End of the Year

We're coming down to the very end of the year. A year that has been full of all sorts of ups and downs for me. I'm more than happy to move on to a whole new beginning. I just wish I were able to have fresh starts in many different ways other than just starting a new year. There are times I still want to just move to a whole new place where no one knows me and completely begin again. But that can't happen. Not yet at least. Anywho, here is a sort of recap from the last week or so:

Christmas was alright. It was pretty much the same as most Christmases with my family. No one is ever really excited about anything. It used to be my favorite holiday. It still is for other reasons, but it definitely doesn't feel like a "merry" time in my house. No holiday ever really does. I still get pretty excited about my gifts, assuming that the person knows something about me and what I actually like. 

I did get a B-dubs gift card, so that's pretty awesome. My sister also got me a crochet book. I'm pretty excited to try some stuff in that. I have 3 scarfs going at the moment though, so it might be a bit before I get to it. I started making one for a girl at school. I really hope she likes it. I think it looks really pretty. She wants it to be a surprise so in case she glances at this, I can't post a picture of it. 

Mowgli got a ton of stuff. He got a new soccer ball, which is his favorite toy. He also got a bunch of different treats. He got a bag from the bar at Pet Co. and he got some other assortments. He was a pretty happy camper. Piper didn't feel like helping, so she stayed in the bedroom. I tried posting the video of him opening the gifts, but it won't work. Boo. :( I'll try again later and see if I can get it to work. He's so adorable.

I went to the mall yesterday and spent some of my Christmas money. I got me some awesome tights that I've wanted for quite a while. I'm pretty excited to wear them. I also found a new store that sells adjustable rings. So now I have a bunch of rings that will actually fit me!!! I'm so excited! I also got a ton of new earrings. I said that I wanted some new jewelry for Christmas, so I got some!

I also went to school and picked up my books for this coming quarter. Oh my goodness! The poor girl that brought them out had a hard time carrying them all. I had to go to the financial office to adjust something and then they were mine to bring home. It looks like I'm going to be absolutely busting my ass this quarter. Sigh. I love school. I really, really do. I just want to make sure I can keep up and do my best. I don't want to be too overwhelmed with everything. Especially with only getting a B in my biology class, I hope I'm able to understand everything as well as I need to. Either way, I'm so ready and excited to go back. A month off is way too long. 

Now, what this blog is all about; an update on the medical front. I still haven't heard anything from my doctor. I stopped taking the mood stabilizer for 3 days and everything made me cry. Everything. So I had to weigh whether or not I wanted to continue to be a blubbering mess or sleep all the time. I decided to start taking them again. They must having leveled out with my body or something because I feel a ton better and haven't been sleeping like I was. I'm actually going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I'm not holding as much tension when I sleep. I feel like I'm getting better quality sleep also. I still wake up a lot and flip flop, but I feel more rested. My mood feels good. I still have moments, but I'm not sure that will ever go away. I feel a little more hopeful. But that can come and go just as quickly, so hopefully I can hold onto it for a bit. 

Black Sheep

Sometimes there are certain family members that are considered the black sheep of the family. They just don't fit in or aren't wanted around. I feel that I am that family member. While my brother is also treated in a similar way occasionally, I still feel that I would be the one called that if there were a poll taken. The dynamic in my family is disgusting and isn't the way a family should work. While this blog will piss people off, at this point, I really don't give a shit. 

I have certain friends that know how I am and have been treated, and since I've been going through some tough personal times lately, many of them have said to me, "You have got to get out of that house. It's not healthy for you and will only make things more difficult for you to heal." I agree wholeheartedly. This house is not a good place for me to be. As I've stated in a previous blog entry, my support system here is non-existent. While that may be argued by certain people, they fail to realize that I'm not speaking about financial support. Although apparently that is the only thing that seems to matter at all. Emotional support would be too hard and way too much for me to ask for. 

Many people have this idea that the youngest child is spoiled like crazy and gets absolutely everything they want. Wrong! In my family, that would be the first born. They can do absolutely no wrong. They can mess up and make whatever mistakes they want and their messes are always cleaned up by the parents. The next two kids can fucking suffer. We can't do anything right. And because of the oldest's mistakes, the other two children are never allowed to ask for help. I could go into crazy detail, but as I will have enough shit to deal with, I will leave it at that.

Also, anything associated with me is pretty much hated by my family. My last dog, Casey, was just awful because she was mine. And now, Mowgli gets the same treatment. I think he gets it worse actually. I don't know why it happens. It could be jealousy because of the relationship I have with my animals. It could be that simply everything that I love or care for is a piece of shit. Maybe I'm just disliked so much that I can't possibly like anything that is good or right in the world. This is the kind of thing that has made me feel that I am a terrible person or that people hate me. My own family has made me feel this way. No one should ever be made to feel that way, especially by their family. 

I've always been jealous of the people that have great family relationships. I don't really know what that's like. After I started this blog and had really started to examine certain things, I thought that maybe things could turn around. I am no longer hopeful that will happen. I'm almost 27 years old. I need to realize that I am never going to be able to make my family happy with anything I say or do. I need to just concentrate on myself and getting better for me. I cry as I write this because that is a sad realization. Although I've known it for years, I always held out some sort of hope. I really don't know how I can do that now. 

It's not that I don't love my family. I do. And there are occasional happy moments and times when we get along. Maybe that's what deceives me. I want so badly to be able to share things with my parents and not be judged. I want them to be excited for me for going to school and doing something I love. For making the dean's list the first two quarters of my college career so far. I just want them to be proud of me. I've never, ever heard those words and that fucking sucks. I want them to be proud that I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself. I'm not just letting myself sit and rot. I am trying to fight to get better. I want them to want to know about things that are going on with me. 

Mowgli is the biggest comfort and most precious thing I have in my life. So when he is treated like shit, you bet your ass I take it personally. He has helped me through things and is basically the one that holds my hand through everything. Sometimes literally. 

If anyone can make me feel as if I have some good in me, it's my dogs. At least they make me feel as if I do some things right. I do have some good friends that lift me up as well. Deep down, I don't think I'm awful. At least I hope I'm not. But when you are constantly surrounded by people that make you feel that you are, those are the voices that you tend to listen to. The bad always sticks. The good things tend to fade. But my love for my babies will never fade. I know that I am headed in the right direction, with or without my family's support.

Literally, the only two pictures I have of me and Piper. She hates cameras.

Sleepy Lady

I just got off the phone with the awesome nurse at my doctor's office. She is going to relay the information to my doctor and call me back. I frickin' love these people! I've been up since 11 PM last night. I slept ALL day long yesterday. I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, to go potty myself and to eat a couple bowls of cereal. That was literally it. There is no way I can continue to do this. Especially when I have to start classes again. Even the moments when I am awake and try to stay up, I am just absolutely drained and exhausted the whole time. So, on to the next medication I suppose. It just sucks because this is really the only side effect I was having from it. It's a pretty big one though and it is really effecting my daily life. Or lack there of. Ha!

My whole sleeping schedule has really taken a toll on my babies as well. Mowgli tries to get mom up every now and then but it just doesn't work. I don't think he likes sleeping this much either. I don't really think Piper cares one way or the other as long as I get up to take her outside. Mowgli needs his play time though so I feel really bad. Hopefully I can get back to some normalcy and then he will be a little more upbeat as well. 

On a good note, this morning I have kicked some major ass on my scarf. :) Yester-morning, I had to undo 16 rows of it because I had somehow added an extra stitch in there. I seriously stared and debated if I should just leave it. But being the perfectionist that I am, I unraveled the 16 rows and wanted to cry while doing so. This morning, I made up for that and then some! I am actually almost out of that particular yarn, so I need to buy another roll?  What exactly do you call those? I'm new to this crocheting thing. I have a few other ones that I can use to make other scarves. So when I run out of this one, on to a new one for a bit. I'm pretty excited to see what the other ones will look like once they are woven together. 

I also would like to start recording some music again. I was working on some stuff recently but that ended up not working out. I don't understand why people won't just let me do what I love and what I want to do. Everyone wants me to do originals and it's just not something that I'm passionate about right now. I want to record songs that I love and that made me feel something. Songs that when I heard them for the first time, I thought, "I HAVE to record this!" I don't need cheesy props or a crazy stage behind me. I just want to stand on stage and sing. I just want to go into a booth and sing. I just want to fucking sing! So, for those who were looking forward to hearing new songs from me, it will probably be a while. Now, the person I was working with wants to charge me for the songs I recorded. That wasn't the deal originally, but because I didn't do what they wanted me to, they are acting this way. My dad warned me a little bit. He said that this person would change their mind. Oh well. He can keep the fucking tracks. I just hope that he doesn't expect me to give him praise when someone asks me about him or his work. His work is great, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't mean anything when the person behind it isn't pleasant to work with. They really sucked all of the fun out of the process for me and that's a pretty tough thing to do. And now I'm done venting about that! Haha. So, if anyone knows of anyone that records music and does it well, if they would like to help me out, that would be amazing! Music is always a mood lifter and we all know I can use as much as I can of that right now. 

Also, for those who read my blog, please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments. I'm amazed that I'm getting as many hits as I am, but if you like what you read or you can relate, I would love to hear your stories as well. This is all about sharing and relating. And if you are reading this, I just want you to know that I appreciate it. Even the simple act of you reading my words makes me feel like I'm being heard in some sort of capacity. So I just want to say that you're awesome and thank you. <3

A little Christina love!

Optimistic

The last few days have been pretty good. I'm not sure if it's really because of the new medication or if I would have had these days anyway. It's tough to tell, especially since I've only been on this medicine for a short period. I guess I'll know if I get super happy when she ups the dosage again on Tuesday. There is definitely one thing that I can't wait to be rid of and that is this sleeping habit. I want to do nothing but sleep. I don't sleep well and never have but this has been ridiculous! I have also been tensing up a lot while I sleep so I have been waking up extremely sore. I have no idea why I do that but it's been a problem since high school. 

I also got "the look" when I was at the doctor's office. I stepped on the scale and the nurse just looks at me and says, "You've lost weight." Stare. So I am currently back down to 97 pounds. Great. It's not that I don't have an appetite. I do. There just isn't ever anything to eat in this house. My doctor asked me if that was something I could talk to my parents about and I said, "No." I don't ask for anything. I just don't want to deal with the bitching and complaining, so I eat whenever I can. I recently went to the store and bought 24 packs of ramen. Not exactly a wonderful diet. And needless to say I am sick. to. death. of soup. I just wish I were able to get stuff so I could cook. I really enjoy cooking and I would love to try some more recipes. 

On to a little bit more of a crappy topic... This will be the second Christmas without my Casey. I can't believe she's been gone for almost two years already. And I can't believe I've had Mowgli for that long. I definitely have bittersweet thoughts when it comes to the topic of these two babies. 

Christmas 2010

Ugh. I miss my extensions! Anywho... I've been having really weird dreams lately as well. I had an especially terrible one about Mowgli. I lived in a house that had an indoor pool. There was a pool cover over it. I was walking around and realized that I hadn't seen Mowgli in a while, so I started looking and calling for him. I immediately thought of the pool. I ran to check and I lifted the cover. Instead of it being a normal pool, it was like it was this giant waterbed type of thing with a zipper all the way around the edge. Anyway, I lifted the cover and saw this little white body and I just started crying and screaming and trying to unzip this damn thing to get him out. I woke up right after that. I had to feel his chest and make sure his heart was beating. How the hell do you go back to sleep after something like that? And that's only ONE of the dreams I've had recently. Maybe if I do start doing therapy, they'll be able to help with the dreams. That or they'll lock me up. Haha.

Christmas 2011

I've also been working on my scarf and it's coming along nicely. I started trying to work on one for someone else but the yarn that they chose sucks balls. I was trying to figure out why, so I was comparing labels. The only thing my mom and I could come up with was that the yarn they chose said soft on the label. So, no more of that. But at least mine is going to be awesome. :)

Looking Forward

Today was a MUCH better day. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and it went pretty well. She increased the dosage of my new medication, so hopefully that will make a difference. She said that if I am tolerating the medication and am not experiencing side effects by the time I check in with her, she will most likely up the dosage again. I really, really hope that this works. I'm still sleeping like shit but she said that she doesn't want to add any other medications until we can get this one nailed down. That makes sense. 

I am also getting a referral for physical therapy for my back. Maybe once I get my back a little better I might start to sleep a little better anyhow. Doubtful, but maybe. My doctor gave me a few things that I have to do. A little homework, if you will. I have to call a place in Grand Rapids about counseling and see what they can offer. I also have to fill out some paperwork and send it to a place that does psychological testing. There, I would be able to find out if I actually am bipolar 2. If not, I'm sure they'd be able to tell me whatever the hell is wrong with me. 

My doctor said that she is glad that I am not working right now. Say what? Can you tell my parents that? She said I wouldn't be able to function in a work environment right now. Especially with going to school as well. We talked about school and the grades I got this past quarter. She was so excited when I told her I got an A, A- and a B, and that I made the dean's list. It was nice to hear her praise. She asked if I had any big plans for Winter break. When I said, "Absolutely nothing," she sighed and said, "Oh good!" I think she's worried about me. Haha. 

I fucking love this!

The people that I have dealt with at this doctor's office are absolutely amazing! The receptionist knows my name. As soon as I walk in, she says, "Hi Tarah! I'll tell them you're here." She also notices when I change my hair. The nurse is so nice and always strikes up conversation with me. The doctors really take their time and ask a lot of questions. It's just nice to feel like they really care and are really invested in my care. I've never had doctors like that before.

Once I was home, I was exhausted and napped for a while. Much longer than I had planned. But like I said, I don't sleep well, so I guess I needed it. Once I was up, I played with Mowgli a bit. He had me laughing so hard today. He's such a goofball. I don't know what I would do without that boy. <3 

Lost

Another bad evening. Today had moments of promise but eventually I was brought crashing back down. Nothing like having someone make you feel like you're the worst person on the planet. How did things get this bad? I'm not that awful, am I? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle this situation. I can't control my emotions right now and they are all over the spectrum. It got to the point where I was crying and used suicide as a threat. That's a new low for me. I'm not this person. But I couldn't control the tears and the anger I was feeling. 

Right now, I am a giant mess. Those that can make it through this with me are truly special people. But they have to be patient with me. I can't fully explain the things I'm feeling and I don't know why it's happening. I won't always have an explanation for you and you have to be okay with that. And when I do share things with you, you can't turn around later and throw them in my face. Once I've lost that comfort, it's gone. I don't know how to get it back or how long it would possibly take. 

I appreciate everything that people do to try to help me out. I really do. Sometimes I am incapable of showing it. Right now, it's tough for me to show any good emotions. I'm not really feeling many of those. It's mostly bad. But if you do help me out and then throw it in my face, I will probably not show you gratitude for future things. I would never say, "Well, I did this for you and I did that for you, so..." That's just not how I work. 

I know I'm not the most lovable, cuddly, friendly and warm person right now. But that's what I'm working on. I'm trying to get back to my real self and it could take some time. For those of you that are sticking by my side, I couldn't be more thankful for you right now. There are very few of you who have reached out to me and I appreciate it so much. I need to know that I'm not alone and that I'm really not some horrible monster. 

Overload

Tonight has been a bad night for me. I've been on edge as far as mood goes. I was looking forward to getting out of the house with a friend tonight. That ended up not being able to happen and it's not her fault. But I still feel really disappointed and sad. I hate sitting here in this room all the time. I don't have any friends that I can just call up and say, "Hey, let's go out!" Everyone is always too busy for me. It really hurts to be this old and feel like I don't have great friends that want to spend time with me. How the hell am I going to make friends now? 

Also, the person who was supposed to be my main source of support is really in trouble themselves. I can't be a therapist for someone else when my world is crashing down around me. I feel it's very unfair for someone who knows what I'm going through to expect that. They say they don't, but their actions and words say otherwise. So, obviously those are what I believe. 

At this moment, I feel like I have so much to say. Like I'm going to burst because I'm so full of words, yet I have no idea what to tell my fingers to type. I don't even really feel like I can be 100% honest here. There are others that would get their feelings hurt or read something that would piss them off. That's not my purpose for this. But I'm struggling because this is my blog damn it! The whole purpose of this is to get things off my chest and express my thoughts. And yet, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I will need to keep a separate journal by my bed. Although, I worry about that too because I have this fear that it will be read and gone through. I've had my privacy violated before and I just don't feel safe with writing my thoughts anymore. That alone can make someone go crazy. If you can't even openly talk to a piece of paper, what the fuck are you going to do? 

I feel like I could cry at any moment. It's such a miserable feeling. I'm angry yet devastated at the same time. I could scream until my throat bleeds and cry the whole while doing it. But would that really be enough of a release? Would I feel satisfied? Probably not. And even if it helped a little, it would only be temporary. I just look around and see all of these movies that I've watched way too many times. CDs full of songs that will bring up memories I don't want to re-live right now. But the silence is killing me. I don't know what to do with myself. 

UPDATE:

It's been a little while since I wrote earlier. I still feel so... all over the place. I talked briefly with a friend and it made me feel better for the moment. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay. How do other people do this? I feel so alone. I mean, I am literally alone... but emotionally, I feel like I'm by myself. Sometimes I just stare at my phone and go through my list of contacts. Who the hell can I call? Who's going to be there for me? Who would want to listen to me? No one. I really do just feel like a burden to most people. I feel like a burden to my family, the few friends I do have, even strangers. I just feel like I'm always in the way. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? 

I feel like everyone remembers all the things I've ever done wrong. Have I never done anything right? It sure feels that way sometimes. Most of the time. I really feel like people think that I am just this terrible person. That kills me. I try to be the best I can. Sometimes that doesn't always come through. I can't be perfect all the time. No one is. Yet, I put this tremendous pressure on myself to be just that. 

No matter how many times I read that, I will never stop striving to be perfect. That's just who I am. It's who I've always been and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But am I just setting myself up for failure? Obviously I can't actually be perfect. And all others seem to see are my short comings. Is there at least some sort of even ground? How the hell do I reach that? 

This could never be more true for me than it is right now. This is the time that I need people that care about me. I need those people to rally around me and lift me up. I need a massive amount of support because there are days when giving up seems like the easiest and best option. I may not be at my best right now. I know that and I beat myself up for it all the time, but I also know that this is something that I cannot control. I know that this is something that takes time to figure out and it will take time to find the right medication(s). But when most of that time is spent alone with nothing but your own thoughts, it can seem like it takes even longer. Sometimes my thoughts aren't healthy. Sometimes I start to feel slightly optimistic. I'm always teetering on some sort of edge. I just need hands to hold and help me through this. I need to feel loved and supported. 

Winter Break

This school quarter has ended. I'm actually welcoming the break this time. Although a month might be a bit too long. I'm really going to miss my oral communications class. I loved the teacher and all of the people in it. It was an amazing group to be a part of and I don't know if I would have done as well with other people. Everyone was so open and supportive. I ended that class with an A-, so I'm very happy with that grade. Especially considering I failed speech in high school because I was so shy and soft spoken. My how things change. :) I'm just waiting for my final grades in the other two classes. Hopefully I did well. 

So far on this break, I have picked up a new hobby. Crocheting. :) I finally figured it out and now I can't stop. I bought a few more rolls of yarn today so I'll be pretty occupied with that, I think. That and movies. I'm still working on my first scarf but it will be awesome when I'm done. I can't wait to start wearing the stuff I make. 

I took this last night. I'm actually quite a bit farther now. Purple and green! Yay! Two of my favorite colors. I think it'll be awesome when I'm finished. At least I hope. 

During this break, I need to try and get out of the house a bit more. Sitting in my room all the time isn't going to help me. All it will do is give me way too much time to think and stress myself out. I need to try to spend more time with friends and elevate my mood a bit. I have plans to go out this Saturday with Melodie, so that should be fun. Get a couple drinks and do some karaoke. I can't wait!

Other than that one thing, I don't have any other plans so far. Nothing other than crocheting. Haha. I'm such an old lady. 

Piper has a new thing. She has been sleeping in the tub of toys. It's hard for me to get a picture because every time I grab a camera, she freaks out. I kind of got a quick snap of it last night though.

How adorable is that? She's sleeping there right now actually. What a goof. Although I'm sure a huge bin full of soft, stuffed toys is extremely comfortable. 

That is just a quick update on what's happening. Nothing too interesting at the moment. I'm just waiting for some glazed doughnuts and Hershey's hugs to show up. I've been craving them for the last few days. Yum!

Support System

I am currently reading a book all about bipolar disorder. It explains the different types, other disorders that can be associated with it, different treatment options, etc. I just want to get a handle on what it is that I could possibly be dealing with. From what I've read, it sounds like I may not only be bipolar 2, but may also have borderline personality disorder. I'm not real fond of the name because it makes me sound like I have multiple personalities or something. Not the case. I want to share some things from the book that have made me come to this possibility. 

"Someone might abruptly quit a job, end a relationship, or make an enemy out of a friend due to a sudden switch of mood. When the proverbial dust settles and things return to "normal," the person with BPD might be as mystified as everyone else concerned as to exactly what just happened."

This is very relevant to my life. I have absolutely exploded on people and the next day, I feel as if it were a dream. It didn't actually happen. I just want to brush it off and move past it. Obviously that isn't the same for the person who received the verbal lashing from me. The damage has been done and I just want to ignore it. 

"In the eyes of a person with BPD, you can be the greatest human being of all time one moment, and the worst the next."

I have definitely felt this. My moods can switch instantly just based on a remark that someone has made. The book even explains that sometimes the reactions can be more extreme than the situation warrants, and I can relate to that too. I'm just so angry and caught in the moment, I can't help myself. I feel out of control and I just react. I feel that if I ask someone to leave me alone and stop talking to me and they continue to push and push, my reaction is deserved. And I still feel that on some level, honestly.

The book also had a section talking about needing a strong support system. I do not have that. My family could not care less about these sort of things. I am not supported in much. When I told my parents that I was going to be tested for bipolar disorder, the reaction was, "Oh, really?" Imagine that being said in the blandest way possible. No questions of interest. No wondering if I'm ok. No concerns. I wonder if they would be concerned if they knew that I recently, meaning a few weeks back, had my first thoughts of suicide. Would they care then? Honestly, I feel like they would get rid of my dog, throw my stuff out and make my room a junk room. I do have friends that would be supportive, but I don't ever see any of them. Everyone is always busy working or doing something else. I would feel like I am burdening them with my problems. This is also not the easiest thing to be open and talk about, but I feel that it must be done. 

I feel as though maybe I have been a terrible person. I don't want to be. I want to be an amazing friend to everyone and someone that people can be proud to know. My phone never rings. I am always the one chasing after everyone else. It gets tiring and makes me feel like I'm not worth anyone's time. Why am I never on anyone's mind? Why when someone has a day off of work or some free time don't they ever think, "I miss Tarah. I really want to see her." Have I been that awful? Maybe these feelings are juvenile, but they are very real to me and I deal with them all of the time. I just want people chasing me for once. I want to feel loved and needed. I miss my friends. My friendships mean everything to me, but maybe I'm the only one. At least that's how it feels. I realize everyone has lives and things to do. I just want to be thought of and cared for. I definitely need to have that support system and at this point, I don't have a strong one. 

Mowgli's Birthday!!!!!

Today is my baby's 2nd birthday! I can't believe he's 2 already. Just like children, he's growing up way too fast. It also makes me realize that Casey has been gone for almost 2 years now. That just boggles my mind. I miss her everyday, but I have Mowgli, who makes me smile and laugh all the time. 

The day I picked him up, this is what he looked like. So adorable, precious and quiet. Things definitely changed! While he is still adorable and precious, he most certainly will not be quiet if he wants something. I love it though. He is so expressive and communicates his feelings so well. And he takes care of his mama when she needs him.

This is the handsome boy that Mowgli has grown up to be. 16 pounds of pure energy, yet he still likes to cuddle with his mommy. He sleeps under the blankets, curled up next to me. Though he is smaller, he takes up a ton of space. He wakes me up in the morning by laying on my chest and licking my face. He also paws at me like a cat. If that doesn't work, I get barked at. 

This is what my spoiled boy got for his birthday. He got to go for a car ride and we took a trip to Pet Co. He got to look around and pick out some stuff. Later this weekend, he will be getting some homemade peanut butter cookies as well. One would think that all of this would make him a happy camper. But since we've been home, this is what he's been doing:

I can't handle that pouty face. I think he might just be tired from all of the excitement. So now it's time to relax, enjoy a few of the treats, watch a movie and cuddle with mom. I'll leave you with a few more pictures of my handsome boy. I'm proud and thankful to have this cute little boy in my life. <3

Introducing Myself

I know this might seem like a boring, unnecessary entry, but for those who are going to be reading my blog, I would like for them to have some sort of sense of who I am. Well, as much as you can through this sort of communication. So ready, 1, 2, 3 GO!

I am 26 years old. The baby of three children. I have a sister and a brother, two nephews and a niece. I am currently going to Baker College to become a veterinary technician. I absolutely love and adore animals. If I could, I would rescue them all. Someday, my house will be filled with animals and I can't wait! I currently have two dogs, Mowgli, a Rat Terrier and Piper, a Yorkie. 

I grew up in a musical family and I absolutely love to sing. It's a passion of mine and something that I hope to continue to do for the rest of my life. My family always jokes that I'll be the first singing veterinarian. I'm not sure how the animals would feel about that though. 

I have a slight obsession with Christina Aguilera. Alright, alright, a massive obsession. I love her voice, her personality, her attitude. I just love her! I'm sure she will be referenced many, many times throughout this blog. I generally refer to her as "my woman," so if you ever see those words, she is who I am talking about. :)

There's a little bit of the introductory crap. Now onto the real reason why I decided to start a blog. To discuss personal things that I have been going through that someone might not necessarily want to know, but this blog will be my outlet. A form of therapy for me. At least I hope so. If someone is going through something similar, maybe they can offer advice or just someone to talk to. 

When I was 17, I was formally diagnosed with depression. Although, I feel that I really started to experience it when I was about 12. Dealing with this condition has been a struggle at times and I have definitely had some devastating lows. There have been periods where I only felt two emotions, anger and sadness. That was it. I have been able to get things under control multiple times, but now it seems as if things are changing again. The medication I'm on isn't working as well and my emotions are all over the place. I am currently on the path to figure out if I am bipolar or not. I've done some research on my own and have discussed it with my doctor. I just want to document my journey through this and be able to vent and express what I'm feeling. I don't fully understand this disorder myself so I can only imagine what those on the outside think. Maybe this will give some insight. That's my hope in all of this.