Black Sheep

Sometimes there are certain family members that are considered the black sheep of the family. They just don't fit in or aren't wanted around. I feel that I am that family member. While my brother is also treated in a similar way occasionally, I still feel that I would be the one called that if there were a poll taken. The dynamic in my family is disgusting and isn't the way a family should work. While this blog will piss people off, at this point, I really don't give a shit. 

I have certain friends that know how I am and have been treated, and since I've been going through some tough personal times lately, many of them have said to me, "You have got to get out of that house. It's not healthy for you and will only make things more difficult for you to heal." I agree wholeheartedly. This house is not a good place for me to be. As I've stated in a previous blog entry, my support system here is non-existent. While that may be argued by certain people, they fail to realize that I'm not speaking about financial support. Although apparently that is the only thing that seems to matter at all. Emotional support would be too hard and way too much for me to ask for. 

Many people have this idea that the youngest child is spoiled like crazy and gets absolutely everything they want. Wrong! In my family, that would be the first born. They can do absolutely no wrong. They can mess up and make whatever mistakes they want and their messes are always cleaned up by the parents. The next two kids can fucking suffer. We can't do anything right. And because of the oldest's mistakes, the other two children are never allowed to ask for help. I could go into crazy detail, but as I will have enough shit to deal with, I will leave it at that.

Also, anything associated with me is pretty much hated by my family. My last dog, Casey, was just awful because she was mine. And now, Mowgli gets the same treatment. I think he gets it worse actually. I don't know why it happens. It could be jealousy because of the relationship I have with my animals. It could be that simply everything that I love or care for is a piece of shit. Maybe I'm just disliked so much that I can't possibly like anything that is good or right in the world. This is the kind of thing that has made me feel that I am a terrible person or that people hate me. My own family has made me feel this way. No one should ever be made to feel that way, especially by their family. 

I've always been jealous of the people that have great family relationships. I don't really know what that's like. After I started this blog and had really started to examine certain things, I thought that maybe things could turn around. I am no longer hopeful that will happen. I'm almost 27 years old. I need to realize that I am never going to be able to make my family happy with anything I say or do. I need to just concentrate on myself and getting better for me. I cry as I write this because that is a sad realization. Although I've known it for years, I always held out some sort of hope. I really don't know how I can do that now. 

It's not that I don't love my family. I do. And there are occasional happy moments and times when we get along. Maybe that's what deceives me. I want so badly to be able to share things with my parents and not be judged. I want them to be excited for me for going to school and doing something I love. For making the dean's list the first two quarters of my college career so far. I just want them to be proud of me. I've never, ever heard those words and that fucking sucks. I want them to be proud that I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself. I'm not just letting myself sit and rot. I am trying to fight to get better. I want them to want to know about things that are going on with me. 

Mowgli is the biggest comfort and most precious thing I have in my life. So when he is treated like shit, you bet your ass I take it personally. He has helped me through things and is basically the one that holds my hand through everything. Sometimes literally. 

If anyone can make me feel as if I have some good in me, it's my dogs. At least they make me feel as if I do some things right. I do have some good friends that lift me up as well. Deep down, I don't think I'm awful. At least I hope I'm not. But when you are constantly surrounded by people that make you feel that you are, those are the voices that you tend to listen to. The bad always sticks. The good things tend to fade. But my love for my babies will never fade. I know that I am headed in the right direction, with or without my family's support.

Literally, the only two pictures I have of me and Piper. She hates cameras.