Lost

Another bad evening. Today had moments of promise but eventually I was brought crashing back down. Nothing like having someone make you feel like you're the worst person on the planet. How did things get this bad? I'm not that awful, am I? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle this situation. I can't control my emotions right now and they are all over the spectrum. It got to the point where I was crying and used suicide as a threat. That's a new low for me. I'm not this person. But I couldn't control the tears and the anger I was feeling. 

Right now, I am a giant mess. Those that can make it through this with me are truly special people. But they have to be patient with me. I can't fully explain the things I'm feeling and I don't know why it's happening. I won't always have an explanation for you and you have to be okay with that. And when I do share things with you, you can't turn around later and throw them in my face. Once I've lost that comfort, it's gone. I don't know how to get it back or how long it would possibly take. 

I appreciate everything that people do to try to help me out. I really do. Sometimes I am incapable of showing it. Right now, it's tough for me to show any good emotions. I'm not really feeling many of those. It's mostly bad. But if you do help me out and then throw it in my face, I will probably not show you gratitude for future things. I would never say, "Well, I did this for you and I did that for you, so..." That's just not how I work. 

I know I'm not the most lovable, cuddly, friendly and warm person right now. But that's what I'm working on. I'm trying to get back to my real self and it could take some time. For those of you that are sticking by my side, I couldn't be more thankful for you right now. There are very few of you who have reached out to me and I appreciate it so much. I need to know that I'm not alone and that I'm really not some horrible monster.