Overload

Tonight has been a bad night for me. I've been on edge as far as mood goes. I was looking forward to getting out of the house with a friend tonight. That ended up not being able to happen and it's not her fault. But I still feel really disappointed and sad. I hate sitting here in this room all the time. I don't have any friends that I can just call up and say, "Hey, let's go out!" Everyone is always too busy for me. It really hurts to be this old and feel like I don't have great friends that want to spend time with me. How the hell am I going to make friends now? 

Also, the person who was supposed to be my main source of support is really in trouble themselves. I can't be a therapist for someone else when my world is crashing down around me. I feel it's very unfair for someone who knows what I'm going through to expect that. They say they don't, but their actions and words say otherwise. So, obviously those are what I believe. 

At this moment, I feel like I have so much to say. Like I'm going to burst because I'm so full of words, yet I have no idea what to tell my fingers to type. I don't even really feel like I can be 100% honest here. There are others that would get their feelings hurt or read something that would piss them off. That's not my purpose for this. But I'm struggling because this is my blog damn it! The whole purpose of this is to get things off my chest and express my thoughts. And yet, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I will need to keep a separate journal by my bed. Although, I worry about that too because I have this fear that it will be read and gone through. I've had my privacy violated before and I just don't feel safe with writing my thoughts anymore. That alone can make someone go crazy. If you can't even openly talk to a piece of paper, what the fuck are you going to do? 

I feel like I could cry at any moment. It's such a miserable feeling. I'm angry yet devastated at the same time. I could scream until my throat bleeds and cry the whole while doing it. But would that really be enough of a release? Would I feel satisfied? Probably not. And even if it helped a little, it would only be temporary. I just look around and see all of these movies that I've watched way too many times. CDs full of songs that will bring up memories I don't want to re-live right now. But the silence is killing me. I don't know what to do with myself. 

UPDATE:

It's been a little while since I wrote earlier. I still feel so... all over the place. I talked briefly with a friend and it made me feel better for the moment. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay. How do other people do this? I feel so alone. I mean, I am literally alone... but emotionally, I feel like I'm by myself. Sometimes I just stare at my phone and go through my list of contacts. Who the hell can I call? Who's going to be there for me? Who would want to listen to me? No one. I really do just feel like a burden to most people. I feel like a burden to my family, the few friends I do have, even strangers. I just feel like I'm always in the way. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? 

I feel like everyone remembers all the things I've ever done wrong. Have I never done anything right? It sure feels that way sometimes. Most of the time. I really feel like people think that I am just this terrible person. That kills me. I try to be the best I can. Sometimes that doesn't always come through. I can't be perfect all the time. No one is. Yet, I put this tremendous pressure on myself to be just that. 

No matter how many times I read that, I will never stop striving to be perfect. That's just who I am. It's who I've always been and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But am I just setting myself up for failure? Obviously I can't actually be perfect. And all others seem to see are my short comings. Is there at least some sort of even ground? How the hell do I reach that? 

This could never be more true for me than it is right now. This is the time that I need people that care about me. I need those people to rally around me and lift me up. I need a massive amount of support because there are days when giving up seems like the easiest and best option. I may not be at my best right now. I know that and I beat myself up for it all the time, but I also know that this is something that I cannot control. I know that this is something that takes time to figure out and it will take time to find the right medication(s). But when most of that time is spent alone with nothing but your own thoughts, it can seem like it takes even longer. Sometimes my thoughts aren't healthy. Sometimes I start to feel slightly optimistic. I'm always teetering on some sort of edge. I just need hands to hold and help me through this. I need to feel loved and supported.