Acceptance & Avoidance

This is my goal. I want to let go of the shyness and insecurity behind having a mental disorder or two. I'm hoping that by telling my story and sharing thoughts, that this could possibly help someone else. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't let others make you feel that way. You just need to remember:

Your illness is a part of you, but it is not all of you. It does not define your character, your dreams, your failures, or your goals. You are always a work in progress and this illness is just a hurdle that you have to deal with. Not a death sentence to your life, friendships, job, or future goals. Although friendships are definitely tested, the true ones will always hold together. If someone leaves you because they can't handle your illness, then you really don't need them in your life. They are a weak link and you can't grasp onto their hand. They will only let you down and postpone your recovery.

There are a few things I'd like to discuss in this entry. I've been wanting to write this for a while now, but I just can't seem to get my thoughts together. I still feel like they are jumbled around in my brain, but I will try my best to keep this organized. 

For those that deal with depression, bipolar or any other mental illness, whether it be by actually having it or loving someone who does, you have two choices. You can either learn to accept your condition and do as much research as you can to deal with it properly, or you can try to ignore it and deny that there's even a problem. I have seen both of those choices played out in my life. 

For me, personally, there was no other option but to learn as much as I could and accept it. I needed to know what my brain was doing to me and all of the ways that it could possibly effect me. I've read multiple books and have many more that I plan on reading in the future. I want to be educated about my disorder and then maybe I can help others who don't have it understand what it's like and what we go through. 

I have a few people in my life that have chosen to avoid their situation and they do not properly take care of themselves. One person chooses to take their antidepressants on occasion. Whenever they remember. I just wish that they understood that the medication doesn't work like that. You don't just take it when you're having an especially bad day. It needs to be taken everyday so that it can build up in your system and do it's job. This person never talks about their disorder and has a hard time dealing with me and what I'm going through. Everything is bottled up and nothing is ever resolved for this person. I don't think they've ever truly dealt with issues of their past and everything has just piled on top of everything else. Now this person is just sitting on a massive mountain of issues and has no idea what to do or where to begin. I hope that someday, they will decide to take a deeper look, even though it hurts, and really try to work their way through whatever pain they're dealing with. They deserve some happiness.

The other person, I'm not even sure they are taking medication at all currently. We never got into deep conversations about what we were dealing with, but I'm pretty sure they are dealing with the same disorders I am. I would think that would make this person more understanding of my situation, but unfortunately, it doesn't. It's a shame because we could have been a support for one another. This person was actually in one of my dreams a few weeks ago and it made me really miss her. But I have to realize that this person has many of her own issues and clearly needs to figure things out for herself. It's tough dealing with these disorders and it's tough trying to be a good friend to others who have these disorders. From what I can tell, this person is heading down the path to having a drinking problem. This is just what I predict from what I've seen. I hope it's not true. I hope that at some point, she is able to find some clarity and is able to break through some of these issues she is dealing with. Everyone deserves some peace. 

The world around us doesn't make it easy for us to openly deal with our disorders. Mental illness is just seen as something made up. It's not given the same thought or respect as something like cancer. Both are illnesses and both can kill you. The chapter in my book that I am currently reading talks about the history of depression. It was once seen as a punishment for sins of your past. If you developed depression, you deserved it and you were outcast. Some saw it as some sort of demonic possession. Sometimes it does feel like that. It feels like someone else is in control of your body and your words. You become this monster that you didn't know could exist inside yourself. Honestly, the view on depression hasn't really transformed that much. There is still so much stigma that surrounds this disorder and it makes me incredibly sad and angry. There are so many people that can't receive the treatment they need because they are either scared to talk about their problems or they are just not given the resources.

I've been dealing with this illness for 10 years and I've had some extremely hard battles. Finding doctors who are willing to help you and have some sort of idea about what they are talking about is incredibly difficult. Medications and doctor visits are expensive and the clinics that are supposed to help people who are unemployed or have low income are just a joke. Mental illness needs to be taken more seriously and everyone deserves proper treatment. 

And now, I suppose I should give an update on myself. I'm still having an incredibly difficult time sleeping. I just went to a sleep clinic this past week to see what kinds of things they could do for me. The doctor was awesome and I loved talking with her. She decided to prescribe me Seroquel, but I ended up not being able to get it because it's too expensive. So Monday, I have to call her and see if she has another option for me. I also was referred to a psychiatrist, so that should be slightly interesting. That appointment isn't until October 14, so I've got a while yet. Other than the sleep issue, my mood has been good. I feel more balanced as far as that goes. I've been a little sensitive the last few days, but I think it's normal to have little patches like that. Nothing will ever be perfect. And it's nice to actually be able to get sad and cry, as weird as that sounds. It's so much better than being frozen and not feeling anything. 

Suicide and Mental Illness

I've had some interesting things happen these last few weeks. Some things I would like to talk about are the chapter I just finished in my book, which is all about suicide, and mental illness education. 

Suicide is a very taboo topic and most people won't even touch it. The problem is, it's something that absolutely needs to be talked about, because it is a huge problem. The people that commit suicide seem to be getting younger and younger. Mental illness has such a stigma attached to it, which prevents a lot of people from getting the help that they need. We really need to work on changing this. Would you tell someone who has cancer that they're crazy and things will be better tomorrow? No, of course not. Why is mental illness so different? Is it simply because most people don't understand it? I think that's a huge part of it. A friend of mine described it in the best way that I've heard. She said, "Telling a depressed person to get over it is like telling a blind person to look harder." It's time to educate ourselves. I have the disorder and I'm trying to devour every bit of information I can.

The chapter that I have just finished in The Noonday Demon focused solely on suicide. The author has explained a lot of his own story throughout the chapters but this was his chance to tell his mother's story. She committed suicide, only the author, his brother and his father helped her do it. Throughout his life, his family had always been very open with what they talked about and suicide had been a topic they often discussed. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had undergone chemo. It was not successful and she found herself incredibly angry. She decided that she was going to commit suicide, rather than watch herself deteriorate. Her family begged her to reconsider. They told her that there were other treatments they could explore, that she still had time. She agreed to do another round of chemo and any other treatments they could find. But if none of those turned out to be successful, she was going to go through with her plan. Her second round of chemo didn't do the trick. So she discussed things with her family and they planned everything out together. Through family meetings, they planned her funeral and she designed her own headstone. The author says that once his mother had accepted that this was what she was going to do, she had some of the happiest and most peaceful days she had had in a very long time. He says that those are some of the best memories with his mother. She wasn't so focused on dying anymore. She was just living and enjoying everything. Finally the day came, and he, his brother and his father all witnessed her take 40 Seconal. (Seconal: Treats insomnia and also makes you feel sleepy before a surgery or a procedure. This medicine is a barbiturate.) She told them each why they meant so much to her and made sure to say what she wanted them to know. They got to do the same. They watched her drift into a peaceful sleep. 

Obviously this isn't the typical suicide tale, but I just found it so amazing. I can't imagine ever having to go through something like that. But, I think it allowed them to really cherish their time together. It would have been harder if she had just done it alone, no warning. This is hard too, but this way, they all got to say goodbye and say what they needed to. That is a rare and beautiful thing. 

Depending on when you would ask me this question, sometimes the answer would be yes and sometimes it would be no. It's something that you never really understand until you're right at that edge and it's truly a consideration. 

This brings me to the other thing that I wanted to address; mental illness education. I just recently lost a friend because of her inability to understand my disorder. She didn't understand why I was so sad and why I handled things the way that I did. Instead of discussing this with me, she completely shut me out. Leaving a depressed person in their time of need is an incredibly terrible idea. When she finally decided to talk to me about it, I was told that I was "too sad and dramatic" and that "it seemed like I just wanted to be miserable." Very ignorant statements that made it incredibly clear that she had no idea what I'm dealing with. 

This is something she just couldn't grasp. She tried to tell me that she's had low points too, but she chose to pick herself back up and to be positive. That's great, but that's just simply not how depression works. It drains you of anything good and positive and there is absolutely no way to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. It feels more like falling down a rabbit hole with no end in sight.

We went back and forth for a while and it was clear that she was completely comfortable in her ignorance. I'm not saying that I expect everyone to understand this disorder. No one will unless they have it themselves. But if you are going to be a friend to someone that does have it, then maybe take a little time to learn about it. I don't expect my friends to do all kinds of research. That would just be a bonus for me. What I do expect is that a true friend would just be there to listen when I need it. I don't need pep talks or to be told that everything will get better. Actually, that's exactly what I don't need. It doesn't help and depressives aren't able to look forward that way. 

Each person is different though, as with anything else. There are certain things and approaches that will work with one person that won't work with another. T (the boyfriend) read books and did what they told him to. Those happened to be things that don't work with me. I'm very picky about pretty much everything, so there's no reason that this would be any different. Depression is a tough thing to navigate, not only for the person afflicted with it, but also those around them. All they can see is this person that they love going crazy and losing touch with who they were. It makes you a completely different person and you will say and do things that you wouldn't normally say or do. For those that try to say that depression is a crutch or an excuse, you clearly have no idea what it's like.  

I've been there on that edge and I'm so thankful that I went to the hospital when I needed to. T should take some credit for me still being here as well. I didn't want to leave him here alone, even though we were having problems and weren't together at the time. I knew that I wanted to be with him and spend my life with him. I just wasn't ready to leave yet. He visited me in the hospital and brought me a purple sock monkey. I owe my life to this man and I will spend the rest of mine being the best girlfriend, wife, mother of his children that I can be. Thank you T. You're the greatest and I love you with every ounce of my being. <3

Now, I just want to leave you with some quotes that I found and wanted to share. I hope that someone is able to get something out of what I'm saying. No one should ever be alone or feel like they have nowhere to turn to. 

I realize that this next quote and the one above are slightly contradictory of each other. In the above, it's just saying that the person is feeling so much hurt that they want to end it. The below just explains what it means when someone says that they want to end their life. This is the true meaning behind that.

Most importantly:

Depression is never your fault and no one should ever make you feel that way. As long as you are taking steps to get better, you're on the right track. Just keep moving forward the best that you can. No one should ever ask more of you than that. 

This has always been my personal theme song. I used to listen to it and just cry. I've learned to embrace it and the fact that not everyone will understand me or what I'm dealing with.

Frozen

I've been feeling down the last few days. I'm not sure why it's happening. The dreams I've been having probably don't help. At this very moment, I feel like I am frozen in place. I honestly don't feel like moving from this spot I'm in. I'm not sure I could. I just want to cry and I want someone to hold me while I do. I had been feeling good, and I know there will be down days, so I guess I can't really complain. It's just tough because these are the days that it's really hard to get myself out of bed or get myself to move. If I can get up and move around, I usually find myself just pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what to do with myself. If I could get any sort of decent sleep, I would just do that. 

I really hope that this feeling passes soon. I can't go right back into another breakdown.

Reading Like My Life Depends On It

As I've stated in past blogs, I am currently reading The Noonday Demon. 

I'm not even half way through this book yet and it's been amazing. He covers every angle he possibly can in this book. He tells his story along with the stories of others he's come into contact with, but he also speaks about different treatments and alternatives to medication. Even if he personally does not think it works, he included it because it could possibly work for someone else. 

I was interested to read that food allergies can actually trigger a depressive episode. That was something I didn't know before. He also talked about the effects of having your blood sugar going up and down throughout the day. By trying to use quick fixes of sweets and junk food, this causes sleep problems. It also wears down your coping ability and your patience and you are less tolerant of people. He says that people with this syndrome are tired all the time, lose their sex drive and ache all over. He also goes into detail about which specific vitamins are good to help relieve some depressive symptoms, including postpartum. Very interesting stuff to know. Especially if someone doesn't want to go on medication. 

There is a specific story that he writes about that I can really relate to. He speaks to a woman about her life struggles and what she has gone through. I mostly related to the situation she described with her husband. I'm going to type the whole passage here. It's definitely worth reading. 

Change, even positive change, is stressful; and marriage is one of the most enormous changes you can make. Problems that had begun before the wedding worsened soon after it. Claudia believed the trouble was with her husband; it took quite a while for her to accept that her situation might be symptomatic. "He was actually more worried about me and my future than I was. During my wedding day, everyone remembers me happy. I look happy in the pictures. But I went through the whole day feeling I should be in love, I should really be in love if I'm doing this. And I felt like a lamb going to the slaughter. My wedding night, I was just exhausted. And our honeymoon was frankly disastrous. I had nothing nice to say to him the entire trip. I didn't want to be with him; I didn't want to look at him. We tried to have sex and it was painful for me and it just didn't work. I could see how in love he was. And I just thought, I can't believe this. I thought it would be different. And I felt miserable at the thought that I had ruined his life and broken his heart."

In late September, she returned to the homeopathic regimen. It had been stabilizing, but it couldn't lift her out of what had become a truly acute depression. "I'd be at work," she recalls, "and all of a sudden I'd feel like I was about to have a breakdown and cry. I was so worried I'd act in an unprofessional way that I could only just do my job. I'd have to just excuse myself and say I had a headache and had to leave the office for the day. I hated everything; I hated my life. I wanted a divorce or an annulment. I felt I had no friends; I felt I had no future. I had made this terrible mistake. I thought, my God, what are we going to talk about for the rest of our lives? We're going to have to have dinner together, and what are we going to say? I've nothing to say anymore. And he of course felt it was all his fault and had huge self-loathing and he didn't want to shave or go to work or anything. I was not nice to him and I know it. He was trying very hard and just had no idea what to do. Nothing he could have done would have been right to me, no matter what it was. But I didn't see that at the time. I would tell him to go away, that I wanted to be alone; and then what I really wanted was for him to insist on being with me. What really matters to me? I'd ask myself. I don't know. What would make me happy? I don't know. Well, what do I want? I just don't know. And that totally freaked me out. I had no clue. There was nothing I was looking forward to. I focused all that on him. I knew I was being horrible to him-- I knew it in the moment and yet I felt powerless to stop it." In October, she had lunch with a friend who told her she had "that happy married glow" and she burst into tears.

There are some things in here that were exactly me when I was going through an episode. I was absolutely awful to my love and there was nothing I could do to stop myself. Everything was always his fault and he could never do anything right in my eyes. I took all of my pain and hurt and misery out on him. I can't believe he stayed. He must really love me, because I honestly don't know if I could have stayed with someone through that. I made him my punching bag and he just took it. Now that we've gotten through that, I think it's made us a stronger couple. It may not be something that he completely understands, but he understands it better. And the next time I have an episode, we will both be prepared to deal with it better. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. He's seen the dark side of me and is still here. 

We are currently in the process of patching things up with his friends and family. They got glimpses of how I was when I was dealing with my depression and I have done some damage. They've also heard stories from him about things that I've said and done. We're just hoping that they can all be understanding of what the situation was and that they are willing to get to know the real me. I guess we will have to see. All I can do is put my best foot forward from this day on. 

Things Are Good

"Feeling hopeless and full of despair is just a slower way of being dead."

This is a quote from the book I'm currently reading, The Noonday Demon. That sentence pretty much sums up depression. You feel like you are just watching yourself slowly deteriorate. Sometimes it's almost like you're on the outside of yourself, watching yourself die. You feel like the shell of a person. You feel nothing and everything at the same time. You feel empty and overwhelmed. 

Thankfully, I'm feeling better these days. My sleep is still shit, but hopefully things will get better in that department soon. The new sleeping pill is iffy. The first time I took it, I actually slept really well and didn't remember any of my dreams when I woke up. (They say if you can remember your dreams, you're waking up in the wrong sleep cycle. I tend to remember 2 or 3 dreams a night. I spoke to my psychology professor about this and he said it sounds like I am not entering my REM sleep stage as I should be.) The second time I tried the new pill, which was a couple days later, it did absolutely nothing. A few days after that, I tried again and it only kind of worked. I slept alright but still remembered at least 1 dream. I'm really hoping that the sleep clinic can figure something out. I can't keep this up forever. It's not healthy.

Other than sleep, I don't really have too many complaints right now. My mood seems to be good, although I'm sure a good chunk of that is attributed to the fact that I'm more in love than ever. I have the best man that I could ever ask for and he builds me up everyday. He's the reason I've made it as far as I have. I honestly don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for him. He's given me so many things to look forward to and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. 

To the friends that have been there for the both of us and understand that we love each other and belong together, thank you for your support and your understanding. We appreciate it more than you know. 

To those that read my blog, I just want to say thank you. It feels good to know that my thoughts are being heard and my only hope is that maybe I can help someone else with what they're going through. Even if it's just the simple fact of letting them know that they're not alone and others are struggling too. 

*UPDATE* July 24, 2013 

There are a couple things that I forgot to mention. People always talk about pregnancy brain and how you forget things. I'm thinking that depression brain is pretty similar. I am constantly forgetting things and can't focus or concentrate. It's ridiculous.

Anywho... I got the results back from my blood test. Everything is normal, which means that the body twitches are not a result of anemia. So now we have to brainstorm and figure out other possibilities. I'm sure that will be fun. In the meantime, my body is driving me crazy and doesn't want to let me sit still, relax or sleep. 

Speaking of sleep, I tried the new sleeping pill again last night. It still didn't really do anything, so I think we are going to have to try something else. My body never really responds well to medication and that just makes things harder and more frustrating. I'm hoping we can find something that works and hopefully we find it soon. That would be fantastic. Until then, I am going to have mixed up sleep patterns and am going to be exhausted constantly. 

I have been doing a little better this last week as far as a decent schedule goes, but I'm honestly not sure that will last too long. Today, I ended having to take a nap because I just couldn't stay up. I need to start exercising. I'm sure that would help a great deal. Only problem is that I don't have the energy to start. It's a double edged sword. At some point, I'm just going to have to force myself to do it. 

New Beginnings

Since the last time I wrote and my medication was doubled, my sleep has become even worse. I'm exhausted all the time, but can never seem to really get any sleep. I can sleep for an hour or two and then I'm awake again. Then after being awake for an hour or so, I feel exhausted again, but usually can't sleep. It's a crazy cycle. My doctor has decided to have me try out a different sleeping pill. She said the Ambien obviously wasn't doing enough. I can't remember the name of the new pill, but I hope it works. I could use a good night of sleep. 

I called and made an appointment at the sleep clinic. My appointment isn't until September 5th. My doctor put me on the other pill because she said she didn't want me to have to go another 2 months without sleep. I guess we'll have to see. I received my paperwork for the clinic yesterday. It's pretty detailed which should be a good thing. I'm just so sick of doctor's appointments and filling out papers. It gets old. Hopefully we can find out something and take care of whatever the problem is. 

I have also been dealing with a lot of body twitches. It happens all throughout the day but I notice it the most when I'm laying down and trying to sleep. My legs and hips will just randomly twitch and it's usually pretty strong. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. My doctor took blood to check levels of everything and said that sometimes anemia can cause twitching. So I guess we'll see how that turns out. All I know is that it's driving me crazy.

My love and I are back together. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am. He's the best man I've ever known and I can't wait to spend my life with him. He's amazing. It upsets a few people that we are back together, but in the end, this is about me and him. No one else. And those people don't matter anyhow. Real friends would be happy for us and thank goodness we have some of those in our lives. 

Other than speaking with my love and spending time with him, my life has pretty much just consisted of movies and reading. Exciting, I know. My schedule is so out of whack, so I just sit in my room most of the time and do those two things. This is the book I am currently reading:

One thing that I find fascinating is that when I searched for a picture of this book, I also came across a porn of the same name. Weird.

This book is incredible so far. There are so many good quotes and explanations I could put here but I'd probably just end up rewriting the whole book for you. At least most of it. I did find some that I will post below. 

“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.” 

“It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed- but you can get through all that. No happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it.” 

“Depressed people cannot lead a revolution because depressed people can barely manage to get out of bed and put on their shoes and socks.” 

“The people who succeed despite depression do three things. First, they seek an understanding of what's happening. They they accept that this is a permanent situation. And then they have to transcend their experience and grow from it and put themselves out into the world of real people.” 

This is a great book if you want to understand more about depression. It's really difficult for someone who doesn't have it to really understand what it's like. So far, this book has done a great job of explaining things. I'm not too far into it yet, so I suppose we'll have to see if it stays this good. It's still interesting to me and I already know a lot about the condition. I think it's always just nice to hear about it from someone else's perspective. To know that you're not alone, even though it feels that way most of the time. 

We're Getting There

I've been planning on writing this post for a while. I just haven't felt like actually doing it. I've been so exhausted lately, physically and emotionally. I figured it was about time to get these things down though. Hopefully this makes sense and isn't all over the place. I can't make promises.

As I've explained in a previous post, I had psychological testing in April to see if I was bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. I received my results toward the end of May and according to the doctors, I am neither bipolar or borderline. They said that it is really clear that I am severely depressed though. This is good news and bad news. This is good news because I don't have another disorder to deal with and more complications that come along with that. It's also bad news because now I feel as though I'm back at square one. If these particular things aren't wrong with me, then what is? I have to battle with trying different medications at different doses. Everything takes time to figure out and I still have to deal with my issues in the process. Not to mention side effects. I haven't had to deal with anything too crazy, thank goodness, but I am incredibly tired all of the time. Me always being tired isn't anything new but I decided to stop taking Depakote and that's when my being tired really elevated. 

I had a doctor's appointment on the 19th and we moved some things around again. My Zoloft was increased to 200 mg. I still have Ambien that I can take if I have trouble sleeping. I have been taking that more often than I had originally planned. I've just had so much trouble sleeping. My doctor also  prescribed me Xanax. I've never taken it before but hopefully it will help with my anxiety. I don't have problems with that TOO often, but at least I know I have it if I need it. I'm sure it will come in handy because I have decided to start driving. I went out today for the first time in 10 years! I was scared but not as scared as I was expecting. I cried a little bit when I sat down in the driver's seat, but after a couple minutes, I was ok. I'm glad I finally gave it a chance again. 

A couple other things that were discussed at my appointment were me getting into counseling and working with a psychiatrist. My doctor set things in motion with trying to find me some options. She also is referring me to a sleep clinic to see if there's anything they can find out. My sleep has always been an issue so maybe there's something they can tell me. I'm interested to see what they will have to say. I also told my doctor that I don't necessarily agree with the results of my psych evaluation. I still think there is a possibility of me being bipolar. Mental health issues are so hard to diagnose because it's basically just someone's opinion. It just depends on what doctor you see. Based on everything I've read about bipolar disorder, I feel that I have a lot of the symptoms. But that is another thing that counseling would be able to help me figure out. I need to do some more in depth reading on it and see what other information I can find out. 

I'm dealing with some tough issues and trying to make a lot of changes. I have my breakdowns, but for the most part, I've been ok. My love and I are currently separated so I am trying to take some good, positive steps for myself so that I will be everything he needs if he finds his way back to me. I'm also going to try to learn to be more independent. Hopefully the driving will be a big part of that. I've had some great friends that have helped talk me though some incredibly rough nights. I can't explain how much I appreciate them. You guys are amazing. <3

Losing It

There have been many times that I've wanted to sit down and write this particular post, but I've always come up with excuses for not doing it.

• I'm too tired, so I'll do it later 
• I don't have my thoughts organized yet
• I'm feeling slightly better, so I don't have much to say today
• No one is going to read this anyway

Seeing as I just had an incredibly horrible night, I feel as though I will have plenty to say at this moment. I've also been reading a lot, so there are a few things I would like to reference as well. The book that I mentioned in my last post, I've now finished. It was incredible. William Styron did an excellent job describing the indescribable. The book is obviously not going to create a crystal clear picture or let those that don't suffer from the disorder feel what it feels like, but his words give them a glimpse into what our world is like. 

I started this book before I was in the hospital and have picked it back up again. This is the first book that I've ever taken notes on as I read through it. There are certain quotes that I relate to and want to pull out. There is also a passage that I would like to share. It does a great job of describing things. This passage is referring to suicide of younger people, but I feel it could be accurate of all people suffering from clinical depression.

"A different but not uncommon profile of an adolescent suicide is that of a high-achieving, anxious, or depressed perfectionist. Setbacks or failures, either real or imagined, can sometimes precipitate suicide. It may be difficult to determine the extent of such a child's psychopathology and mental suffering, due to the tendency to try to appear normal, to please others, not to call attention to oneself. The real reasons for suicide remain fugitive."

I am a perfectionist. There's no doubt about it and anyone who knows me, knows that fact. I don't like failing at things and I take it incredibly hard when I do. I can also relate to the part of trying to appear "normal." I don't want people to see my pain. Sometimes it comes through and I can't hide it though. Here is another passage:

"...when people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace."

It in incredibly difficult for me to even comprehend what my future will be. I'm honestly not even sure I have one. I have now had to quit school, the one good thing in my life. The one thing that gave me a sliver of joy and that would get me out of here. That's gone now. I'm honestly contemplating another trip to the hospital. I just don't know what to do with myself. Nothing has really changed since the last time, although I was only in there for 2 and a half days. I absolutely cannot live without my Mowgli though. He's the only true friend I have, it seems. I've never felt so lonely and forgotten. 

I'm sure the lack of sleep has driven me mad as well. I cannot sleep at night. If I take an Ambien, I usually only sleep a couple hours, if that. William Styron described the sleep situation perfectly in his book. His cycle was not being able to sleep at night, and requiring a nap every single afternoon. He also said that the night was when he felt the worst. At around 3 or 4 PM, he would start to feel dread. I can relate so much to this man on certain things. 

If anyone would like a glimpse into the world of depression, I would highly recommend either of these books. As of now, I am going to go back to reading and then hope that I can get some sleep at some point.