Clusterfuck

The title of this post should be pretty accurate. I haven't had a lot of time to write lately, so this will be a mix of all kinds of things that have been going on. Ready 1, 2, 3, GO!

I have now lost the main support person in my life. He was one of my best friends and I don't really know what I'm going to do without him, but us not speaking is what's best for us right now. It's going to be tough. Very tough. We talked every day and he knows how my family is. He was always a big support and helped with things they wouldn't, which is pretty much everything. Lately, all of that has changed into arguments and name calling. I can't be called names or accused of things anymore. I already have so much on my plate. I need to be able to focus on the good things. So I guess I am following my last post. I've got to surround myself with positive, uplifting people and he can't be that for me right now. I know he wants to, but he just can't. So we have to separate and not speak for however long. I hope he can figure things out for himself while I am trying to do the same.

More than you know

On the school front, I have been absolutely slammed with homework and tests. This last week, I had 4 tests! I was supposed to have 5, but one of them got moved to this week. Today actually. I have another test tomorrow and I think I might have one on Thursday as well. This is frickin' nuts! I got my scores back for all of the tests I took last week and they are less than impressive. 

Animal A & P: 74%

Animal A & P Lab: 76%

Human Relations: 86%

Intro to Vet Tech Lab: 73%

:( I'm already busting ass and apparently I need to work even harder. I need someone to help me study and whip me into shape. So if anyone would like to be my studying partner... I'm thinking along the lines of Billy Madison. Strip studying, if you will. Hahaha jk. Or am I? :)

I started using a website call Lumosity. It's a bunch of games that are supposed to help with brain power and focusing. I've been doing it for over a week now and I really like it. They keep track of your scores and show the progress you're making throughout the weeks. It's really neat and I would highly recommend that others try it. I seriously want to buy a subscription to the website. You get to play more games that way and build a more complete profile. I'm hoping it will possibly help with school stuff. Teach me how to focus better, use my brain more efficiently. I guess we'll see if it works!

Also, my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. I'm not sure what I'd like to do yet. So if anyone can think of an amazing, awesome idea, throw it at me! I also think I'm going to celebrate the weekend before and after. Why, you ask? Because I fucking can! I'm going to celebrate the weekend before because it's Valentine's weekend and, well, that weekend usually blows for me. So I'm going to spend it drinking and hating all of the happy couples around me. I might even throw some stuff and yell some inappropriate things. Needless to say, I'm going to be a blast on my birthday and you probably shouldn't miss it. :) Unless some handsome gentleman would like to sweep me off of my feet and take me on an amazing date/trip... then I'd be willing to give up my booze fit. 

With my birthday also comes the anniversary of Casey's passing. I still miss my baby so much everyday. I look at her pictures everyday and have even mistakenly called Mowgli by her name a few times. Old habits really do die hard I guess. So two days after Valentine's Day, and two days before my birthday, I will probably be a bit of a mess. I might need some cheering up that day. Or maybe I'll stay in bed. I guess we'll have to see. 

For my Casey

So now I leave you, so I can go study. Or sleep. I'm doing more of the former than the latter lately. :( And I'm exhausted. At some point, I am just going to collapse in the hallways and tell someone to bring me a pillow. Fuck it. I'll sleep right here. 

My woman!

Feeling this song right now

Keys To Happiness

Today in my human relations class, we discussed the keys to happiness. As we were going through the list, it really made me think. I wanted to share some of those thoughts and see if these things resonate with anyone else as well. 

1. Pursue - Meaning, don't wait for happiness to just show up at your door. That's not going to happen. You need to go out and search for the things that will make you happy. I feel this is very relevant in my life right now because I made the choice to go to college. I am currently pursuing my dream of working with animals. Does it scare me? Absolutely! But I feel that in the end, everything will be worth it. I just need to work my hardest and focus. This obviously doesn't just apply in terms of career/job. 

2. Befriend happy people -  This is one that I REALLY need right now. Having negative people around will only bring me down. Even if they aren't actually saying anything, just their negative aura can pull others down. I have a few of these people around me on an almost constant basis. I need to find others that have a positive outlook and can lift me up when I need it. People that can encourage me and brighten my spirits. 

3. Pursue self-love - This one made me laugh a little bit when I read it. I thought, "Of course masturbation is going to make someone happy!" My professor said that you really need to learn to like yourself. If you can't, then how can you really expect others to? I think this is absolutely true. Are there things about myself that can be improved and worked on? Of course! But that's every person in the world. There are things that I absolutely love about myself as well. I strive to learn and gain information. I love with all that I am and my friendships mean the world to me. I can put a smile on people's faces and I can make others laugh. I feel that I am true to myself even when others may not like it. I realize that not everyone is going to be my friend. I don't need everyone to be. I have to live with myself, so if I like me, I'm ok with a few less friends. 

4. Savor the here and now - So many people are thinking of their futures or are completely stuck in the past. I am guilty of letting these thoughts fill my head as well. I think of all the shitty things I've done. What I've done wrong and how I could have done it differently. I need to realize that it's gone. The chance is over and I need to move on from it. I also need to learn to not stress about the future. What I do now will determine how the future turns out. I need to learn to focus on the moment at hand and really live it. It's definitely easier said than done, but it's worth trying to stick with. 

5. Help others - Helping others when they need a hand is a good way to lift yourself up. I know that when I've lent a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on and I've managed to make that person feel better even just a little bit, I feel like I've done my job as a friend. I feel good. I want others to know that they can rely on me when they need something. Plus, it feels nice to be needed. 

6. Create self-time - No matter how many things you have going on, there needs to be some time put aside for yourself. For me, this is something as simple as listening to some music or watching a movie. I love being around people and hanging out with friends but sometimes you just need to relax by yourself. It's healthy. Some people can take offense to it because not everyone needs the same amount of space. I think I tend to need more than most of the people that I am around. 

7. Stop whining - Everyone complains. And sometimes that complaining is justified. Most of the time it isn't. A lot of the time when I whine, I'm joking. And of course I have to do the annoying voice that goes along with it. :) When I really complain, it's usually about something like having to do a lot of homework, or something like that. Well, I chose to go back to school, so I should probably just shut up. Plus, even while I'm complaining, I know I'm doing the homework for a good reason. 

8. Don't obsess over things you can't control - Ah ha! This is mine right here! I'm terrible at this. I do it all the time and even though I try to work myself out of it, it seems like a vicious circle. I try to make deals with myself and con myself out of thinking about a particular thing. I try to tell myself that I'm going to jinx something if I worry about it too much. I'm talking almost OCD level type stuff. If I send this particular text message, I ruin it. If I keep listening to this particular song over and over, it'll make this happen. Yeah, a little nuts. Like I said, I'm always trying to make deals with myself. I need to learn to relax (which I have no freaking clue how to do!) and just let things take their course. I actually tend to be a pretty laid back person... on the outside. Haha. I'm kind of a mix of everything. A mutt, if you will. 

9. Be true to your values - I feel that I have a pretty good handle on this one. I don't really let people push me around or change my mind. If I stand firm on something, I'm pretty much not moving. Does that mean I can't compromise? Not at all. I can compromise. It's just the things that I am absolutely sure of that I won't budge on. I don't try to hide who I am or the fact that I am a complete dork. I will gladly embarrass myself in public for someone else's amusement. I will sometimes drag others with me though. ;) I feel like I am a fun, happy, loving person and I hope that when people meet me, those are the things that I portray to them. 

10. Decide to be positive - Another biggie for me. I need this in my life SO badly right now. I'm constantly surrounded by negativity and it's tough. No matter how much I try to brush it off, some of it always sticks. Bad always sticks in your mind. So again, I just need to have bright, positive people around me to keep me on track. I've made some new friends that I think fit that description well. 

Haha! Just kidding.

I absolutely loved this discussion. I think I'm really going to enjoy this class. It will definitely cause me to do some personal refection and really examine myself. Hopefully it will help me learn some tools to change some of my bad habits. I'll leave you with some Christina love. <3

The Start

This week has been very crazy for me. I had my first week of classes. I feel very overwhelmed with all of the information that has been thrown at me. I need to learn to step back and look at things one at a time, not as a whole. Hopefully that will help me calm down a bit. I've had some ups and downs emotionally; some relating to school and some not. I'm just all over the place right now. Hopefully I can stabilize myself, face forward and move on. 

Day one of classes was good. I had my human relations class and my intro to vet tech lecture. My teacher for human relations seems pretty cool. He reminds me a little bit of Dana Carvey. He also says "Mmkay" a lot and that makes me think of South Park. Haha. I think I'll probably enjoy that class. I've always enjoyed psychology. I plan on taking the psychology course after I'm done with the vet tech course, so... hopefully this will reinforce my excitement for that. My intro to vet tech class is mildly intimidating. There is SO much reading and so many things to memorize. I have trouble retaining everything so hopefully I can figure out a system that works for me. 

Day two, I had my animal anatomy & physiology 1 lab and then the lecture. Backwards, I know, but that was the only way I could schedule it. This class scares the shit out of me! Even MORE memorization than the vet tech class. Plus we're carrying some stuff over from biology and chemistry, so thank goodness I have someone who might be helping me study. I need the help to refresh my memory and maybe that person can explain things better or make it easier for me. I tend to make things more complicated for myself. 

Also, during the lecture, my instructor talked about kidney failure. She went into detail of what the animal goes through and what is happening to the body. She asked if any of us had experienced this with any of our animals. A few of us raised our hands. I couldn't help but start to cry. After hearing what my baby went through physically and what she was feeling, I felt horrible. And I also miss her terribly. I felt like a complete idiot just sitting there crying in class but I couldn't stop it. I'm sure it won't be the last time I cry in this program though. Sigh.

Day three, I had human relations, intro to vet tech lecture and then the intro to vet tech lab. For lab, I have to start memorizing dog, cat, horse, cow, etc. breed names. I swear, this program is going to kill me. I realize it isn't supposed to be easy or everyone could do it. I'm just going to need some encouragement throughout this. I'm terrible with time management too, so I really need to try to keep that in check. 

On the way home from class, I was given the new Lifehouse CD!!! I was stoked. They are my absolute favorite band. I'm actually listening to it as I type this. I have no doubt that I'll love it. I'm not sure it can possibly be better than their last album though. 

As far as personal things going on, I've experienced good and bad things this week. I read too much into things sometimes. I worry about every little thing. I can't help it. I wonder why certain things weren't said. What was meant by something that was said. I want to know how others feel but I can't ask because then I'll be that annoying girl who continuously asks questions. I know exactly how I feel and I feel that I portray that pretty openly. But maybe I'm completely wrong and maybe others feel the exact same way about me. Either way, I'm basically driving myself nuts. I had a conversation about this with a friend a couple nights ago. She just laughed at all of the things I was telling her but could completely relate. Apparently this is a little dance that happens all the time. Well, I just want to fucking know the answers! Haha. I'm so not a patient person and I'm terrible at distracting myself from this sort of thing. Good thing I have a shit ton of homework to help with that! 

Back To School

The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. Everything as far as medication and whatnot has been fine. Everything else just seemed to go to shit. 

I've been terrified that I wouldn't be able to go to school this quarter. The person that I was counting on to take me decided to bail at the last minute. I was scrambling for someone else to help but couldn't find anyone. Finally, tonight, the night before I go back, a friend offered to help. THANK GOODNESS! I burst into tears because I was so happy. I could not be more thankful for his help. So I get to start my new classes tomorrow. I am so excited. This is going to be a tough quarter. Both class wise and schedule wise. I have a couple long days and I will be working my ass off. I'm ready! :)

I have been absolutely obsessed with this song. I've been listening to it over and over. I love the lyrics. That didn't really have to do with anything. Haha. I just wanted to include it in my post.