I haven't updated in quite some time but about a million things have happened. Most importantly, I need to cover things that revolve around the whole reason I started this blog in the first place. I will go back a few months to fill you in on the whole story:
Sometime in late December/early January, I was having my first serious thoughts of suicide. It had crossed my mind in the past and I knew I would never do it. But this was the first time that I truly didn't want to be around anymore. I thought it would be better and easier for everyone else if I were gone. To be entirely truthful, I still feel this way. I went to my doctor and discussed this with her. This is when she started me on the Depakote and I had to put a plan in place in case I ever felt this way again. I set something up with a friend, hoping I'd never have to go through with it. I began feeling much better on the Depakote and had assumed that things were heading for the better.
Three or four weeks ago, I had gotten into one of many arguments that had just pushed me towards the edge. I started having thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore and went as far as to bring a knife into the shower with me. I sat there staring at it and played with it on my leg a little bit. I broke down crying because I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready.
Since that time, I've been extremely fragile. I haven't felt good about myself and every little thing upsets and/or angers me. I can't even begin to explain how much crying I've done recently. My eyes seem like they are constantly swollen. I feel like I'm always on edge. I don't sleep well at all. It was only a matter of time before something else pushed me toward the edge again. This weekend, that happened. I was dealing with an incredibly stressful relationship situation and also had someone tell me that I was a horrible and cruel person. I won't go into details of the situation because that's not what matters here.
I ended up having to put my plan into action. I called my friend and had her take me to the hospital. Once I was there, I was just shaking and my heart was pounding. I was scared to death. What were they going to do to me? Did I really want to do this? Was I doing the right thing? Will they believe me?
I had a few different people come in and ask my why I was there. It was incredibly tough to have to tell it once, let alone 3 times. Once the discussions had taken place and the doctors had spoken with each other, it was recommended that I stay in the hospital. Again, fear just went through me. What about school? I'm supposed to go back on Monday. What are they going to do to me? What is it going to be like? What about my babies? That was the toughest thing in the world for me. I'm rarely ever away from Mowgli and Piper. My friend gave me her opinion and agreed that she thought it would be the best thing for me to stay. So I signed the paperwork and voluntarily committed myself.
I decided to keep a journal while I was there. One reason was to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and to be able to get some of that out of me. Another reason was simply to have something to do. Below are those journal entries.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
6:44 AM
I don't want to be alone. I shouldn't be alone. Yet here I am in a hospital room by myself. I can't sleep. They gave me an Ambien and an Adivan to help me sleep. I'm not too surprised it didn't work. I slept for about an hour and a half at the most. I miss and need Mowgli so much. He's probably so worried and scared without me. I can't wait to see his face again and get attacked by kisses. I want to use my phone but that's not allowed. I feel like a prisoner. I just want to text a few people and look at my photos of Mo. I guess we're allowed to use the hospital phone after 7 AM. I'm watching the clock. I just want to talk to my mom. I'm sure she's worried. I just need someone to hold me right now. I can't stop crying. I want to go home. I hope they can fix me. I can't feel like this anymore. Sometimes I just want to move somewhere far away where no one knows me. Just start over. I feel like I've made so many mistakes and stupid choices. I just want them to go away. I want to forget or at least have the ability to forgive myself. I wish I treated others better. At the same time, I need to be surrounded by people that treat me better as well. I think I have anger issues and that's incredibly tough to control. I say things to purposely hurt others. That's not the kind of person I want to be.
9:54 PM
Today has been an extremely long day. I spoke to about 6 or 7 different people, explaining why I'm here and some of my background. There's only so many time you can re-tell something like that and I'm really burned out on crying. I also had a group that I attended. The focus was something called distress tolerance. This is a way of getting through a difficult situation or moment without making the problem worse. This just had my name written all over it. When I'm angry or upset, my mouth tends to get me in trouble. I will admit that there are times I know I shouldn't be saying what I'm saying and I could stop myself. I'm just so angry at the time that I say, "fuck it" and keep on going. There are also other times when I'm so blinded by anger or hurt that I don't really know what I'm doing. I guess I'd like to learn to be more emotionally aware and more in control of my reactions to things. This is going to be a long, tough road but I need to try. I can't leave my Mowgli without his mama.
My parents and Trevor came to visit me today. I honestly wasn't sure how I'd feel when they got here. It was nice to be hugged. I needed to be hugged. The conversation wasn't always flowing and there were some awkward silences. I've also never been in a room with my parents for 2 hours with nothing to do but talk. This is also part of the problem for me. I should be able to speak to my parents and have it just come natural. I know that the situation makes it harder. No one wants to visit their daughter in the psych ward. I'm sure they're confused and worried and don't really know what to say to me or about the situation. Either way, I think I brightened up a bit while they were here. I'm definitely ready to go home and I miss Mowgli and Piper so much. Hopefully I only have a couple more days. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the doctors say. Also, I don't think my mother has ever hugged me so hard.
Friday, March 29, 2013
11:04 PM
I woke up around 6 AM and had actually slept pretty well. I took another Ambien and it worked much better this time. I think my emotions were just running so high the night before that nothing was going to allow me to rest. I woke up feeling surprisingly cheerful and full of energy. I was looking forward to getting through the day and finally getting to see the psychiatrist. He and I had a brief conversation about how I was feeling and what my goals were. He actually asked if I felt prepared to go home today but I said that I would like to stay until tomorrow. Although I am dying to go home, I don't want to just rush out of here. I am supposed to have follow-up blood tests in the morning. The blood I had drawn this morning showed that the level of Depakote in my system was too low and also that my liver function is slightly abnormal. The doctors also decided to change the antidepressant that I'm taking from Celexa to Zoloft. Hopefully that will help make some sort of difference. I just need to feel better.
Today in class, we discussed emotional regulation. This involves identifying the exact emotion you're feeling, reducing emotional sensitivity and decreasing emotional intensity. This is definitely something I need to learn and put into practice. I've always been very emotionally oversensitive. I let things get to me and I don't know how to properly deal with the emotions that follow. This is going to be such a tough skill for me but it's necessary. My first goal is to try to stay calm when I'm upset. I need to try to keep my anger in check and not be so quick to yell or name call. This is even more difficult when the person on the other end of the argument isn't trying to do the same. I'm going to need lots of help and support with this one.
I ended the night with a phone call that upset me. At this point, it's very rare that I have a day where this person doesn't make me cry. I feel as though this relationship is starting to be very toxic for me. It's part of what landed me in here, whether that person wants to believe it or not. I need to figure out if I think this relationship is salvageable or if it's simply time to let go and move on. I'm incredibly confused and yet I also feel like I may already know the answer. This just makes me slightly more confused. I hope that I learned some things that I can take away from here to help me through this. I'm going home tomorrow so hopefully I can hold myself together. I don't want to end up back in here again.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
9:47 AM
I woke up around 7:10 this morning and had my blood drawn about 5 minutes later for follow-up tests. My mood isn't the greatest this morning. I think a lot of my upset from last night has carried over into today. I didn't sleep as well last night either. I still got okay sleep. Just not as good as the night before. I think I might need to ask about getting a prescription for Ambien or some sort of sleep aid. I'm anxious to go home. In all honesty, I should probably be staying and I feel as though I might end up back in here. I had another terrible phone conversation and am very upset. I think I feel more alone now than I did when I first got here. I have absolutely no idea how to get through this or if I even can.
Now that I'm home, I have no idea what to do with myself. It's good to be with Mowgli and Piper again but that's pretty much been the only positive thing so far. I had another incredibly unpleasant thing happen that I'm trying to deal with. I feel like I'm just being hit over and over and over again. I can only get up so many times.
