I had my first counseling appointment this past Monday. It was just an intake appointment, so she basically asked all of the same questions I've already been asked about a million times. Her name is Tara, so that's kind of neat. We just went through what I might want to accomplish by being in counseling/therapy. She asked about the different relationships in my life and how I deal with those. She asked about my support system and I chuckled. The people that I feel should be around for me are the ones that are nowhere to be seen.
I understand that this isn't an easy situation to deal with and I know that people may not know how to approach me or if they even should. By ignoring the situation and not talking to me about it, you are doing the exact opposite of what I need. This is a huge reason why I've gotten to the place I am. Everyone is always silent. I realize that there are a lot of people in my position that would prefer to not talk about it, but I NEED it. I need to feel as if I matter and that people care. This doesn't mean that I'm going to want to talk about it constantly. That's not it at all. But I need to be able to have people to go to that are really concerned about what's going on. People that are interested in how I'm doing. I have a couple of those right now, but I don't want to constantly pile everything on them. Sometimes I just need to know that I'm loved. If that makes me needy, then fuck it, I'm needy. I just feel so vulnerable and raw right now. I need that comfort.
I also had the intake appointment at the place where I'll be having my psychological testing done. Again, same damn questions. The girl even said to me, "Wow, you really seem to have your story down. Most people come in here and don't really know what they're going to be asked and they stumble over their answers." I said, "You have no idea how many times I've had to do this recently." My actually testing will be done on the 26th, I believe. It will be a 3 hour appointment. I'm nervous but hopefully I'll be able to get some answers. Right now, based on the research that I've done, we are looking into the possibility of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. They've also mentioned the possibility of A.D.D. because of the fact that I have such a hard time sitting still and concentrating. I just want to have some answers and be on my way to feeling better.
I have so many appointments coming up. I have two more counseling sessions scheduled, the appointment for my psychological testing and the follow-up appointment for the results and a regular doctor's appointment. That's just what I have for the moment. Who knows what else could possible be thrown in there. All of this on top of school. I feel a little all over the place right now, but I need to try to find some sort of balance between everything.
Some of the things that I would like to start doing would be to get out of the house more. I need to make sure I don't stay in my room all of the time like I have been. I feel as though I've been doing well with this so far. I'd also like to start some sort of workout routine. That would make me feel better on multiple levels. Especially since I think I'm gaining weight because of the medications I'm on. I can't stop eating everything I see. I've already gained 7 pounds since being out of the hospital. I am also going to start recording songs again this week. I can't wait! That can only do good things for me. I'm just ready to make changes and try to get myself to a good place. For those that are willing to stick this out with me, I can't tell you how much it means. I need all the support I can get right now and for those that have been there so far, you're so amazing. For those that now know I really do want you to talk with me, please jump on in. I would appreciate it more than I can say.
No comments:
Post a Comment