Losing It

There have been many times that I've wanted to sit down and write this particular post, but I've always come up with excuses for not doing it.

• I'm too tired, so I'll do it later 
• I don't have my thoughts organized yet
• I'm feeling slightly better, so I don't have much to say today
• No one is going to read this anyway

Seeing as I just had an incredibly horrible night, I feel as though I will have plenty to say at this moment. I've also been reading a lot, so there are a few things I would like to reference as well. The book that I mentioned in my last post, I've now finished. It was incredible. William Styron did an excellent job describing the indescribable. The book is obviously not going to create a crystal clear picture or let those that don't suffer from the disorder feel what it feels like, but his words give them a glimpse into what our world is like. 

I started this book before I was in the hospital and have picked it back up again. This is the first book that I've ever taken notes on as I read through it. There are certain quotes that I relate to and want to pull out. There is also a passage that I would like to share. It does a great job of describing things. This passage is referring to suicide of younger people, but I feel it could be accurate of all people suffering from clinical depression.

"A different but not uncommon profile of an adolescent suicide is that of a high-achieving, anxious, or depressed perfectionist. Setbacks or failures, either real or imagined, can sometimes precipitate suicide. It may be difficult to determine the extent of such a child's psychopathology and mental suffering, due to the tendency to try to appear normal, to please others, not to call attention to oneself. The real reasons for suicide remain fugitive."

I am a perfectionist. There's no doubt about it and anyone who knows me, knows that fact. I don't like failing at things and I take it incredibly hard when I do. I can also relate to the part of trying to appear "normal." I don't want people to see my pain. Sometimes it comes through and I can't hide it though. Here is another passage:

"...when people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace."

It in incredibly difficult for me to even comprehend what my future will be. I'm honestly not even sure I have one. I have now had to quit school, the one good thing in my life. The one thing that gave me a sliver of joy and that would get me out of here. That's gone now. I'm honestly contemplating another trip to the hospital. I just don't know what to do with myself. Nothing has really changed since the last time, although I was only in there for 2 and a half days. I absolutely cannot live without my Mowgli though. He's the only true friend I have, it seems. I've never felt so lonely and forgotten. 

I'm sure the lack of sleep has driven me mad as well. I cannot sleep at night. If I take an Ambien, I usually only sleep a couple hours, if that. William Styron described the sleep situation perfectly in his book. His cycle was not being able to sleep at night, and requiring a nap every single afternoon. He also said that the night was when he felt the worst. At around 3 or 4 PM, he would start to feel dread. I can relate so much to this man on certain things. 

If anyone would like a glimpse into the world of depression, I would highly recommend either of these books. As of now, I am going to go back to reading and then hope that I can get some sleep at some point. 

Feeling Stuck

It's been about a month since I last wrote. Most of the appointments have come and gone. I have one more left and that is the one where I am supposed to find out what my diagnosis is. I have a feeling they are going to say, "We still aren't 100% sure. We need to do some more testing." That would be just my luck, but I will do it if I need to. 

I had an appointment with my regular doctor today. I just needed to update her on things. This is my first visit with her since I was in the hospital. She doubled my dose of Zoloft, so we'll see how that goes. I also asked about the Ambien. I need it to sleep. I haven't been able to sleep at all lately. When I do take it, it knocks me out but doesn't help me sleep through the night. I asked my doctor if there was one that would keep me asleep all night. She said yes but wasn't sure that my insurance would cover it. We tried it anyway. It turns out that even with my insurance, it still would cost me $160. So I guess I won't be sleeping through the night anytime soon. 

I have also had to withdraw from all of my classes. I hate it and I'm not happy about it. Friends that I was supposed to be able to rely on have shown their true colors lately. I have also been feeling so overwhelmed by everything and wasn't able to properly concentrate so maybe it's a good thing for now. I'd like to return in the fall if possible. I'm just ready to feel better. 

I recently finished reading Girl, Interrupted. I liked it but it was nothing like I expected. It was a very easy, quick read but it jumped around. Overall a good book though. 

This is what I am reading now. This illness is so impossible to explain to others but he does an amazing job with his imagery. It's a little bit of a tough read for me, in terms of that he speaks very proper and above my level I suppose. But when it comes to the feelings he is portraying, I understand every word. I'm about a third way through this. I can't wait to see what other things I will be able to take from this book. 

I guess since I now have all of this free time and don't have to worry about homework, I can spend it reading. I also need to start recording again. I need to. I hope that I can somehow take this time and use it for what it needs to be; a break. 

Christina Love!! <3