I've been planning on writing this post for a while. I just haven't felt like actually doing it. I've been so exhausted lately, physically and emotionally. I figured it was about time to get these things down though. Hopefully this makes sense and isn't all over the place. I can't make promises.
As I've explained in a previous post, I had psychological testing in April to see if I was bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. I received my results toward the end of May and according to the doctors, I am neither bipolar or borderline. They said that it is really clear that I am severely depressed though. This is good news and bad news. This is good news because I don't have another disorder to deal with and more complications that come along with that. It's also bad news because now I feel as though I'm back at square one. If these particular things aren't wrong with me, then what is? I have to battle with trying different medications at different doses. Everything takes time to figure out and I still have to deal with my issues in the process. Not to mention side effects. I haven't had to deal with anything too crazy, thank goodness, but I am incredibly tired all of the time. Me always being tired isn't anything new but I decided to stop taking Depakote and that's when my being tired really elevated.
I had a doctor's appointment on the 19th and we moved some things around again. My Zoloft was increased to 200 mg. I still have Ambien that I can take if I have trouble sleeping. I have been taking that more often than I had originally planned. I've just had so much trouble sleeping. My doctor also prescribed me Xanax. I've never taken it before but hopefully it will help with my anxiety. I don't have problems with that TOO often, but at least I know I have it if I need it. I'm sure it will come in handy because I have decided to start driving. I went out today for the first time in 10 years! I was scared but not as scared as I was expecting. I cried a little bit when I sat down in the driver's seat, but after a couple minutes, I was ok. I'm glad I finally gave it a chance again.
A couple other things that were discussed at my appointment were me getting into counseling and working with a psychiatrist. My doctor set things in motion with trying to find me some options. She also is referring me to a sleep clinic to see if there's anything they can find out. My sleep has always been an issue so maybe there's something they can tell me. I'm interested to see what they will have to say. I also told my doctor that I don't necessarily agree with the results of my psych evaluation. I still think there is a possibility of me being bipolar. Mental health issues are so hard to diagnose because it's basically just someone's opinion. It just depends on what doctor you see. Based on everything I've read about bipolar disorder, I feel that I have a lot of the symptoms. But that is another thing that counseling would be able to help me figure out. I need to do some more in depth reading on it and see what other information I can find out.
I'm dealing with some tough issues and trying to make a lot of changes. I have my breakdowns, but for the most part, I've been ok. My love and I are currently separated so I am trying to take some good, positive steps for myself so that I will be everything he needs if he finds his way back to me. I'm also going to try to learn to be more independent. Hopefully the driving will be a big part of that. I've had some great friends that have helped talk me though some incredibly rough nights. I can't explain how much I appreciate them. You guys are amazing. <3
