Reading Like My Life Depends On It

As I've stated in past blogs, I am currently reading The Noonday Demon. 

I'm not even half way through this book yet and it's been amazing. He covers every angle he possibly can in this book. He tells his story along with the stories of others he's come into contact with, but he also speaks about different treatments and alternatives to medication. Even if he personally does not think it works, he included it because it could possibly work for someone else. 

I was interested to read that food allergies can actually trigger a depressive episode. That was something I didn't know before. He also talked about the effects of having your blood sugar going up and down throughout the day. By trying to use quick fixes of sweets and junk food, this causes sleep problems. It also wears down your coping ability and your patience and you are less tolerant of people. He says that people with this syndrome are tired all the time, lose their sex drive and ache all over. He also goes into detail about which specific vitamins are good to help relieve some depressive symptoms, including postpartum. Very interesting stuff to know. Especially if someone doesn't want to go on medication. 

There is a specific story that he writes about that I can really relate to. He speaks to a woman about her life struggles and what she has gone through. I mostly related to the situation she described with her husband. I'm going to type the whole passage here. It's definitely worth reading. 

Change, even positive change, is stressful; and marriage is one of the most enormous changes you can make. Problems that had begun before the wedding worsened soon after it. Claudia believed the trouble was with her husband; it took quite a while for her to accept that her situation might be symptomatic. "He was actually more worried about me and my future than I was. During my wedding day, everyone remembers me happy. I look happy in the pictures. But I went through the whole day feeling I should be in love, I should really be in love if I'm doing this. And I felt like a lamb going to the slaughter. My wedding night, I was just exhausted. And our honeymoon was frankly disastrous. I had nothing nice to say to him the entire trip. I didn't want to be with him; I didn't want to look at him. We tried to have sex and it was painful for me and it just didn't work. I could see how in love he was. And I just thought, I can't believe this. I thought it would be different. And I felt miserable at the thought that I had ruined his life and broken his heart."

In late September, she returned to the homeopathic regimen. It had been stabilizing, but it couldn't lift her out of what had become a truly acute depression. "I'd be at work," she recalls, "and all of a sudden I'd feel like I was about to have a breakdown and cry. I was so worried I'd act in an unprofessional way that I could only just do my job. I'd have to just excuse myself and say I had a headache and had to leave the office for the day. I hated everything; I hated my life. I wanted a divorce or an annulment. I felt I had no friends; I felt I had no future. I had made this terrible mistake. I thought, my God, what are we going to talk about for the rest of our lives? We're going to have to have dinner together, and what are we going to say? I've nothing to say anymore. And he of course felt it was all his fault and had huge self-loathing and he didn't want to shave or go to work or anything. I was not nice to him and I know it. He was trying very hard and just had no idea what to do. Nothing he could have done would have been right to me, no matter what it was. But I didn't see that at the time. I would tell him to go away, that I wanted to be alone; and then what I really wanted was for him to insist on being with me. What really matters to me? I'd ask myself. I don't know. What would make me happy? I don't know. Well, what do I want? I just don't know. And that totally freaked me out. I had no clue. There was nothing I was looking forward to. I focused all that on him. I knew I was being horrible to him-- I knew it in the moment and yet I felt powerless to stop it." In October, she had lunch with a friend who told her she had "that happy married glow" and she burst into tears.

There are some things in here that were exactly me when I was going through an episode. I was absolutely awful to my love and there was nothing I could do to stop myself. Everything was always his fault and he could never do anything right in my eyes. I took all of my pain and hurt and misery out on him. I can't believe he stayed. He must really love me, because I honestly don't know if I could have stayed with someone through that. I made him my punching bag and he just took it. Now that we've gotten through that, I think it's made us a stronger couple. It may not be something that he completely understands, but he understands it better. And the next time I have an episode, we will both be prepared to deal with it better. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. He's seen the dark side of me and is still here. 

We are currently in the process of patching things up with his friends and family. They got glimpses of how I was when I was dealing with my depression and I have done some damage. They've also heard stories from him about things that I've said and done. We're just hoping that they can all be understanding of what the situation was and that they are willing to get to know the real me. I guess we will have to see. All I can do is put my best foot forward from this day on. 

Things Are Good

"Feeling hopeless and full of despair is just a slower way of being dead."

This is a quote from the book I'm currently reading, The Noonday Demon. That sentence pretty much sums up depression. You feel like you are just watching yourself slowly deteriorate. Sometimes it's almost like you're on the outside of yourself, watching yourself die. You feel like the shell of a person. You feel nothing and everything at the same time. You feel empty and overwhelmed. 

Thankfully, I'm feeling better these days. My sleep is still shit, but hopefully things will get better in that department soon. The new sleeping pill is iffy. The first time I took it, I actually slept really well and didn't remember any of my dreams when I woke up. (They say if you can remember your dreams, you're waking up in the wrong sleep cycle. I tend to remember 2 or 3 dreams a night. I spoke to my psychology professor about this and he said it sounds like I am not entering my REM sleep stage as I should be.) The second time I tried the new pill, which was a couple days later, it did absolutely nothing. A few days after that, I tried again and it only kind of worked. I slept alright but still remembered at least 1 dream. I'm really hoping that the sleep clinic can figure something out. I can't keep this up forever. It's not healthy.

Other than sleep, I don't really have too many complaints right now. My mood seems to be good, although I'm sure a good chunk of that is attributed to the fact that I'm more in love than ever. I have the best man that I could ever ask for and he builds me up everyday. He's the reason I've made it as far as I have. I honestly don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for him. He's given me so many things to look forward to and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. 

To the friends that have been there for the both of us and understand that we love each other and belong together, thank you for your support and your understanding. We appreciate it more than you know. 

To those that read my blog, I just want to say thank you. It feels good to know that my thoughts are being heard and my only hope is that maybe I can help someone else with what they're going through. Even if it's just the simple fact of letting them know that they're not alone and others are struggling too. 

*UPDATE* July 24, 2013 

There are a couple things that I forgot to mention. People always talk about pregnancy brain and how you forget things. I'm thinking that depression brain is pretty similar. I am constantly forgetting things and can't focus or concentrate. It's ridiculous.

Anywho... I got the results back from my blood test. Everything is normal, which means that the body twitches are not a result of anemia. So now we have to brainstorm and figure out other possibilities. I'm sure that will be fun. In the meantime, my body is driving me crazy and doesn't want to let me sit still, relax or sleep. 

Speaking of sleep, I tried the new sleeping pill again last night. It still didn't really do anything, so I think we are going to have to try something else. My body never really responds well to medication and that just makes things harder and more frustrating. I'm hoping we can find something that works and hopefully we find it soon. That would be fantastic. Until then, I am going to have mixed up sleep patterns and am going to be exhausted constantly. 

I have been doing a little better this last week as far as a decent schedule goes, but I'm honestly not sure that will last too long. Today, I ended having to take a nap because I just couldn't stay up. I need to start exercising. I'm sure that would help a great deal. Only problem is that I don't have the energy to start. It's a double edged sword. At some point, I'm just going to have to force myself to do it. 

New Beginnings

Since the last time I wrote and my medication was doubled, my sleep has become even worse. I'm exhausted all the time, but can never seem to really get any sleep. I can sleep for an hour or two and then I'm awake again. Then after being awake for an hour or so, I feel exhausted again, but usually can't sleep. It's a crazy cycle. My doctor has decided to have me try out a different sleeping pill. She said the Ambien obviously wasn't doing enough. I can't remember the name of the new pill, but I hope it works. I could use a good night of sleep. 

I called and made an appointment at the sleep clinic. My appointment isn't until September 5th. My doctor put me on the other pill because she said she didn't want me to have to go another 2 months without sleep. I guess we'll have to see. I received my paperwork for the clinic yesterday. It's pretty detailed which should be a good thing. I'm just so sick of doctor's appointments and filling out papers. It gets old. Hopefully we can find out something and take care of whatever the problem is. 

I have also been dealing with a lot of body twitches. It happens all throughout the day but I notice it the most when I'm laying down and trying to sleep. My legs and hips will just randomly twitch and it's usually pretty strong. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. My doctor took blood to check levels of everything and said that sometimes anemia can cause twitching. So I guess we'll see how that turns out. All I know is that it's driving me crazy.

My love and I are back together. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am. He's the best man I've ever known and I can't wait to spend my life with him. He's amazing. It upsets a few people that we are back together, but in the end, this is about me and him. No one else. And those people don't matter anyhow. Real friends would be happy for us and thank goodness we have some of those in our lives. 

Other than speaking with my love and spending time with him, my life has pretty much just consisted of movies and reading. Exciting, I know. My schedule is so out of whack, so I just sit in my room most of the time and do those two things. This is the book I am currently reading:

One thing that I find fascinating is that when I searched for a picture of this book, I also came across a porn of the same name. Weird.

This book is incredible so far. There are so many good quotes and explanations I could put here but I'd probably just end up rewriting the whole book for you. At least most of it. I did find some that I will post below. 

“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.” 

“It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed- but you can get through all that. No happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it.” 

“Depressed people cannot lead a revolution because depressed people can barely manage to get out of bed and put on their shoes and socks.” 

“The people who succeed despite depression do three things. First, they seek an understanding of what's happening. They they accept that this is a permanent situation. And then they have to transcend their experience and grow from it and put themselves out into the world of real people.” 

This is a great book if you want to understand more about depression. It's really difficult for someone who doesn't have it to really understand what it's like. So far, this book has done a great job of explaining things. I'm not too far into it yet, so I suppose we'll have to see if it stays this good. It's still interesting to me and I already know a lot about the condition. I think it's always just nice to hear about it from someone else's perspective. To know that you're not alone, even though it feels that way most of the time.