This is a quote from the book I'm currently reading, The Noonday Demon. That sentence pretty much sums up depression. You feel like you are just watching yourself slowly deteriorate. Sometimes it's almost like you're on the outside of yourself, watching yourself die. You feel like the shell of a person. You feel nothing and everything at the same time. You feel empty and overwhelmed.
Thankfully, I'm feeling better these days. My sleep is still shit, but hopefully things will get better in that department soon. The new sleeping pill is iffy. The first time I took it, I actually slept really well and didn't remember any of my dreams when I woke up. (They say if you can remember your dreams, you're waking up in the wrong sleep cycle. I tend to remember 2 or 3 dreams a night. I spoke to my psychology professor about this and he said it sounds like I am not entering my REM sleep stage as I should be.) The second time I tried the new pill, which was a couple days later, it did absolutely nothing. A few days after that, I tried again and it only kind of worked. I slept alright but still remembered at least 1 dream. I'm really hoping that the sleep clinic can figure something out. I can't keep this up forever. It's not healthy.
Other than sleep, I don't really have too many complaints right now. My mood seems to be good, although I'm sure a good chunk of that is attributed to the fact that I'm more in love than ever. I have the best man that I could ever ask for and he builds me up everyday. He's the reason I've made it as far as I have. I honestly don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for him. He's given me so many things to look forward to and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
To the friends that have been there for the both of us and understand that we love each other and belong together, thank you for your support and your understanding. We appreciate it more than you know.
To those that read my blog, I just want to say thank you. It feels good to know that my thoughts are being heard and my only hope is that maybe I can help someone else with what they're going through. Even if it's just the simple fact of letting them know that they're not alone and others are struggling too.
*UPDATE* July 24, 2013
There are a couple things that I forgot to mention. People always talk about pregnancy brain and how you forget things. I'm thinking that depression brain is pretty similar. I am constantly forgetting things and can't focus or concentrate. It's ridiculous.
Anywho... I got the results back from my blood test. Everything is normal, which means that the body twitches are not a result of anemia. So now we have to brainstorm and figure out other possibilities. I'm sure that will be fun. In the meantime, my body is driving me crazy and doesn't want to let me sit still, relax or sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I tried the new sleeping pill again last night. It still didn't really do anything, so I think we are going to have to try something else. My body never really responds well to medication and that just makes things harder and more frustrating. I'm hoping we can find something that works and hopefully we find it soon. That would be fantastic. Until then, I am going to have mixed up sleep patterns and am going to be exhausted constantly.
I have been doing a little better this last week as far as a decent schedule goes, but I'm honestly not sure that will last too long. Today, I ended having to take a nap because I just couldn't stay up. I need to start exercising. I'm sure that would help a great deal. Only problem is that I don't have the energy to start. It's a double edged sword. At some point, I'm just going to have to force myself to do it.
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