New Beginnings

Since the last time I wrote and my medication was doubled, my sleep has become even worse. I'm exhausted all the time, but can never seem to really get any sleep. I can sleep for an hour or two and then I'm awake again. Then after being awake for an hour or so, I feel exhausted again, but usually can't sleep. It's a crazy cycle. My doctor has decided to have me try out a different sleeping pill. She said the Ambien obviously wasn't doing enough. I can't remember the name of the new pill, but I hope it works. I could use a good night of sleep. 

I called and made an appointment at the sleep clinic. My appointment isn't until September 5th. My doctor put me on the other pill because she said she didn't want me to have to go another 2 months without sleep. I guess we'll have to see. I received my paperwork for the clinic yesterday. It's pretty detailed which should be a good thing. I'm just so sick of doctor's appointments and filling out papers. It gets old. Hopefully we can find out something and take care of whatever the problem is. 

I have also been dealing with a lot of body twitches. It happens all throughout the day but I notice it the most when I'm laying down and trying to sleep. My legs and hips will just randomly twitch and it's usually pretty strong. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. My doctor took blood to check levels of everything and said that sometimes anemia can cause twitching. So I guess we'll see how that turns out. All I know is that it's driving me crazy.

My love and I are back together. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am. He's the best man I've ever known and I can't wait to spend my life with him. He's amazing. It upsets a few people that we are back together, but in the end, this is about me and him. No one else. And those people don't matter anyhow. Real friends would be happy for us and thank goodness we have some of those in our lives. 

Other than speaking with my love and spending time with him, my life has pretty much just consisted of movies and reading. Exciting, I know. My schedule is so out of whack, so I just sit in my room most of the time and do those two things. This is the book I am currently reading:

One thing that I find fascinating is that when I searched for a picture of this book, I also came across a porn of the same name. Weird.

This book is incredible so far. There are so many good quotes and explanations I could put here but I'd probably just end up rewriting the whole book for you. At least most of it. I did find some that I will post below. 

“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.” 

“It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed- but you can get through all that. No happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it.” 

“Depressed people cannot lead a revolution because depressed people can barely manage to get out of bed and put on their shoes and socks.” 

“The people who succeed despite depression do three things. First, they seek an understanding of what's happening. They they accept that this is a permanent situation. And then they have to transcend their experience and grow from it and put themselves out into the world of real people.” 

This is a great book if you want to understand more about depression. It's really difficult for someone who doesn't have it to really understand what it's like. So far, this book has done a great job of explaining things. I'm not too far into it yet, so I suppose we'll have to see if it stays this good. It's still interesting to me and I already know a lot about the condition. I think it's always just nice to hear about it from someone else's perspective. To know that you're not alone, even though it feels that way most of the time.