I've had some interesting things happen these last few weeks. Some things I would like to talk about are the chapter I just finished in my book, which is all about suicide, and mental illness education.
Suicide is a very taboo topic and most people won't even touch it. The problem is, it's something that absolutely needs to be talked about, because it is a huge problem. The people that commit suicide seem to be getting younger and younger. Mental illness has such a stigma attached to it, which prevents a lot of people from getting the help that they need. We really need to work on changing this. Would you tell someone who has cancer that they're crazy and things will be better tomorrow? No, of course not. Why is mental illness so different? Is it simply because most people don't understand it? I think that's a huge part of it. A friend of mine described it in the best way that I've heard. She said, "Telling a depressed person to get over it is like telling a blind person to look harder." It's time to educate ourselves. I have the disorder and I'm trying to devour every bit of information I can.
The chapter that I have just finished in The Noonday Demon focused solely on suicide. The author has explained a lot of his own story throughout the chapters but this was his chance to tell his mother's story. She committed suicide, only the author, his brother and his father helped her do it. Throughout his life, his family had always been very open with what they talked about and suicide had been a topic they often discussed. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had undergone chemo. It was not successful and she found herself incredibly angry. She decided that she was going to commit suicide, rather than watch herself deteriorate. Her family begged her to reconsider. They told her that there were other treatments they could explore, that she still had time. She agreed to do another round of chemo and any other treatments they could find. But if none of those turned out to be successful, she was going to go through with her plan. Her second round of chemo didn't do the trick. So she discussed things with her family and they planned everything out together. Through family meetings, they planned her funeral and she designed her own headstone. The author says that once his mother had accepted that this was what she was going to do, she had some of the happiest and most peaceful days she had had in a very long time. He says that those are some of the best memories with his mother. She wasn't so focused on dying anymore. She was just living and enjoying everything. Finally the day came, and he, his brother and his father all witnessed her take 40 Seconal. (Seconal: Treats insomnia and also makes you feel sleepy before a surgery or a procedure. This medicine is a barbiturate.) She told them each why they meant so much to her and made sure to say what she wanted them to know. They got to do the same. They watched her drift into a peaceful sleep.
Obviously this isn't the typical suicide tale, but I just found it so amazing. I can't imagine ever having to go through something like that. But, I think it allowed them to really cherish their time together. It would have been harder if she had just done it alone, no warning. This is hard too, but this way, they all got to say goodbye and say what they needed to. That is a rare and beautiful thing.
Depending on when you would ask me this question, sometimes the answer would be yes and sometimes it would be no. It's something that you never really understand until you're right at that edge and it's truly a consideration.
This brings me to the other thing that I wanted to address; mental illness education. I just recently lost a friend because of her inability to understand my disorder. She didn't understand why I was so sad and why I handled things the way that I did. Instead of discussing this with me, she completely shut me out. Leaving a depressed person in their time of need is an incredibly terrible idea. When she finally decided to talk to me about it, I was told that I was "too sad and dramatic" and that "it seemed like I just wanted to be miserable." Very ignorant statements that made it incredibly clear that she had no idea what I'm dealing with.
This is something she just couldn't grasp. She tried to tell me that she's had low points too, but she chose to pick herself back up and to be positive. That's great, but that's just simply not how depression works. It drains you of anything good and positive and there is absolutely no way to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. It feels more like falling down a rabbit hole with no end in sight.
We went back and forth for a while and it was clear that she was completely comfortable in her ignorance. I'm not saying that I expect everyone to understand this disorder. No one will unless they have it themselves. But if you are going to be a friend to someone that does have it, then maybe take a little time to learn about it. I don't expect my friends to do all kinds of research. That would just be a bonus for me. What I do expect is that a true friend would just be there to listen when I need it. I don't need pep talks or to be told that everything will get better. Actually, that's exactly what I don't need. It doesn't help and depressives aren't able to look forward that way.
Each person is different though, as with anything else. There are certain things and approaches that will work with one person that won't work with another. T (the boyfriend) read books and did what they told him to. Those happened to be things that don't work with me. I'm very picky about pretty much everything, so there's no reason that this would be any different. Depression is a tough thing to navigate, not only for the person afflicted with it, but also those around them. All they can see is this person that they love going crazy and losing touch with who they were. It makes you a completely different person and you will say and do things that you wouldn't normally say or do. For those that try to say that depression is a crutch or an excuse, you clearly have no idea what it's like.
I've been there on that edge and I'm so thankful that I went to the hospital when I needed to. T should take some credit for me still being here as well. I didn't want to leave him here alone, even though we were having problems and weren't together at the time. I knew that I wanted to be with him and spend my life with him. I just wasn't ready to leave yet. He visited me in the hospital and brought me a purple sock monkey. I owe my life to this man and I will spend the rest of mine being the best girlfriend, wife, mother of his children that I can be. Thank you T. You're the greatest and I love you with every ounce of my being. <3
Now, I just want to leave you with some quotes that I found and wanted to share. I hope that someone is able to get something out of what I'm saying. No one should ever be alone or feel like they have nowhere to turn to.
I realize that this next quote and the one above are slightly contradictory of each other. In the above, it's just saying that the person is feeling so much hurt that they want to end it. The below just explains what it means when someone says that they want to end their life. This is the true meaning behind that.
Most importantly:
Depression is never your fault and no one should ever make you feel that way. As long as you are taking steps to get better, you're on the right track. Just keep moving forward the best that you can. No one should ever ask more of you than that.
This has always been my personal theme song. I used to listen to it and just cry. I've learned to embrace it and the fact that not everyone will understand me or what I'm dealing with.
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