The Good and The Bad

Trevor and I have known each other since we were in 4th grade. So, since about 10 years old. We have always thought that was such a cool thing that we could tell our kids someday. That we ended up finding our way back to each other and it was a perfect fit. 

On November 17th, Trevor and I made it official and got married. We decided to do a simple, small, courthouse wedding. We didn't even really tell anyone that we were planning on doing it, because we didn't want it to be a big deal. We just wanted our parents and a few friends there, so that's what we did. We had been planning this for some time and I have no idea how we managed to keep it so quiet. We never had an engagement, so it was quite a surprise to everyone. 

Our intention was not for anyone to feel hurt or left out. We just wanted it to be us and a few others. Either next year or the year after, we are hoping to have a bigger wedding and reception so that we are able to share it with more friends and family. So don't worry. The party will come. :)

A few weeks after we had the wedding date picked and things were pretty much planned, we found out that I was pregnant. I had to stop myself from screaming after I took the test. I was so excited and it wasn't something we were expecting. It was such an amazing surprise for us after what we had gone through previously. We weren't expecting to get pregnant this soon after. When I told Trevor, he almost couldn't believe it. He was so excited. :)

I was 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant on October 16th, which is pretty early. I called the next day to make an appointment and they decided to make it for November 19th. That seemed so incredibly far away. I even asked if they would want to see me before that since I had previously miscarried. I guess not. Trevor and I just tried to keep a positive attitude that things would be ok.

At my first appointment with the nurse, I had 5 vials of blood drawn just to test for pretty much anything they could possibly test for. It turned out that my thyroid levels weren't where they should be. I have had issues with my thyroid in the past, but things had sort of leveled themselves out and I was able to stop taking the medication. With me being pregnant, they wanted to get me back on the meds just to make everything a little better for me and baby. 

We actually had to ask to schedule an ultrasound because they weren't planning on doing one until late January/early February. We wanted to see the baby and hear the heartbeat to make sure everything was alright. My doctor's office was booked for the next couple of weeks, so we ended up having to schedule the ultrasound at Butterworth.

My ultrasound appointment was this morning. The tech did a quick sweep with the belly ultrasound and then she told me that she was going to do the vaginal ultrasound. So that was a pretty scary and horrible experience. She didn't say a word while she took pictures and measurements, which was a little strange to us. This was a new doctor's office though, so maybe they just do things differently. She said that her doctor would look things over and then come in and talk to us about the results. 

About a half hour or so later, she came in and handed me a phone. It was a nurse from my doctor's office. She said it wasn't good news and that I needed to keep my appointment with my OB for later on that day. This was going to be our first time meeting our OB as well.

She was really sweet and I liked her a lot. She listened to everything we had to say and all our questions and she explained things as best as she could. 

What I have is called a blighted ovum. This is when the gestational sac develops, but there is no baby inside. So, my body thinks it's pregnant and is acting as if it is, but no baby ever actually developed. This is considered another type of miscarriage. 

I basically have the same options as I did last time. I can choose to let my body naturally expel the pregnancy, which I don't trust my body to do. I have had absolutely no cramping or bleeding, same as last time, so I'm not sure how long it would take for that to happen. I could also use a medication that would help speed up that process and force my body to expel the tissue, but that didn't sound real great either. I would just prefer to not have to go through that process if I don't absolutely have to. So I have chosen to go with a D&C again. My surgery is scheduled for Friday morning.

The doctor said that these two situations are most likely not related in any way. It's probably just a coincidence and really bad luck. If I end up having a third miscarriage, then they will do some investigating to see if there is something going on with me that won't allow me to have a normal pregnancy.

So, Trevor and I are basically back to square one. We don't plan on giving up and are looking forward to having a family someday. For the time being, we have each other and our two fur-babies. We also have awesome families and friends that will help us through. That's good enough for me. <3

Empty Handed

Thoughts of babies have consumed my mind lately. A lot of friends of mine have recently had babies and it's such a joy to see. At the same time, it is heartbreaking because I should also be taking part in the journey of motherhood. My due date is 4 days away and it is all I have been able to think about. I could possibly already have a baby to keep me up at night, to feed and bathe, to stare at lovingly, to make my heart melt. But I don't. 

Since becoming pregnant, the way I think and plan has completely changed. Even though my baby is no longer here, my thinking is forever changed and I like it that way. Going through this has made me realize just how badly I want to be a mother and how much love I will have for my future children. Trevor and I talk of things we'll do with our kids, values we'll teach them, and things we'll show them. 

While we've experienced a great loss, we are blessed enough to know that it is possible for us to have children in the future and we are so excited for that day to come. We both have our moments where our thoughts get the better of us and I think that will probably happen forever. I am thankful that we have each other to pull through this and to spend our lives together.

I could have never imagined anything like this happening to me. I still can't. It still doesn't feel real, but at the same time it feels raw. It feels like forever ago and it also feels like yesterday. I think I've been able to get through this situation the way that I have because I have allowed myself to grieve and break down when needed and I also have a partner that has allowed me to do those things. I have also had a tremendous amount of support from everyone and it really does make all the difference. I can't tell you how much you all have helped me to feel that Trevor and I are not alone in this. Thank you for all of your love and support, because it means the world to us. 

This is going to be a really tough weekend for us. We should be welcoming a beautiful baby girl or boy into this world, but instead, we will be empty handed. We will have each other though and we will spend time with our fur-babies. On my due date, we will be spending the evening with one of my best friends and enjoying listening to her band play music. If anything is helpful and healing to me, it's music. I will try to allow myself as much peace as possible this weekend and be thankful for all that I do have.

UPDATE: September 3, 2014

Well, my weekend didn't end up going as planned. Very few things in my life ever do. 

Friday afternoon, I walked into the kitchen to see that I had received a bouquet of flowers. Naturally, I had assumed they were from Trevor since I had recently been bitching about the fact that he rarely gets me flowers. But when I opened the box and found the little note card, this is what it said:

I immediately started crying because she took the time to think of what I was going through. This girl's heart amazes me over and over and I'm so blessed to call her my friend. Here are the beautiful flowers she sent me:

Friday night, I went out with my parents to see Lauren's band and I had a really good time. I had a few drinks and got up to sing my usual song with the band. We were able to get some good pics from that night.

Why didn't anyone tell me my hair was a mess?

Saturday was pretty uneventful. I honestly can't even remember what we did. I think Trevor watched football, and I watched Xena. 

Sunday was a complete mess. I was excited to go out to hear Lauren again, but Trevor wasn't feeling well. We assumed he was dealing with another kidney stone. It ended up getting pretty bad, so we went to the hospital. I had been a little grouchy all day, but nothing too dramatic had happened. Once we were sitting in that hospital room, I'm not sure what happened, but something hit me and I just started crying. I should have been there having a baby that day and instead Trevor felt like HE was having a baby. He hobbled off the bed and came to hug me and comfort me. I was a little embarrassed because all of the doctors and nurses probably thought I was freaking out about Trevor's kidney stones. Haha. Kind of a cruel thing to end up in a hospital room on that particular day. But we got through it and that's the important thing. 

Thank you to those who checked on me and gave me words of kindness and support. I truly needed it this past weekend and it's appreciated more than you know. We've gotten past the dreaded day that we knew would arrive. We knew it would be tough, but now we are looking forward to good and happy things. 

Simply Human

I've had the idea for this particular post in my head for quite some time now. I've been slowly gathering information for it but could never seem to find the right time to start writing. As with most of my posts, I never feel fully prepared or organized and so I end up waiting. Stupid, I know. This time, there has been an event that has pushed me to finally get started, and that is the untimely passing of Robin Williams. I hope that this wonderful, talented and beautiful man will somehow help guide me to write something worth saying.

No amount of money, fame, love or people surrounding you can take away the pain or difficulty of mental illness. Many of us look up to celebrities and say, "that's what I want" or "I want to be like them." What we need to realize is that we are only seeing the bits and pieces of them that they allow us to. There is so much below the surface that they are keeping to themselves, and it's not all pretty. 

Sometimes, whatever sort of illness that particular person is dealing with can be a catalyst that drives them to succeed. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone. Depression can paralyze some, while it can also drive others to look for something better or something outside of that sad, dark place. Sometimes they are able to find some little piece of happiness and sometimes it just reinforces the realization that it's an internal issue and nothing on the outside will fix it. It truly is a unique experience for each person, which makes it all that much harder to find help or to offer help. The real tragedy is when that overwhelming sadness forces these people to fight alone and not speak a word.

My goal with this particular post is to share with you some of the issues that celebrities that we look up to deal with. They are only human, after all. When I hear comments about how much money they have or how famous they are, it infuriates me. Why do people think that those things are cures to any ailment? All those things mean is that that talented individual was able to work towards a goal in spite of other issues they were dealing with. We all need to look deeper and think a little harder before we make comments like these.

I have a list of other celebrities and what they supposedly deal with. (I only say supposedly, because there's no way of me ever really knowing unless they have come out in the media themselves.) I had planned on including that in this post, but I think I will leave it out for now. I guess the main point I am trying to make is that no one really knows what is going on in someone's life. If they don't want you to know, they will go to all extremes to make sure they don't show it to you. There are some really special people who are able to see beyond all the bullshitting, but those people don't always know how to approach the situation. In the world of mental illness, nothing is pretty and everything is messy. Please be gentler with people and keep in mind that they may be dealing with something that you could never fathom. Just be good to one another. 

To you, Robin Williams:

While you were open with your past struggles and never shied away from sharing those parts of yourself,  there was obviously so much more that you were holding in. I hope you know how much joy and happiness you brought to others and I'm so, so sorry that you didn't feel as if you could stay with us any longer. I truly hope that your soul has found peace and that you are no longer in pain. You were a wonderfully talented man and I'm thankful that your work will continue on and will bring joy to others and myself as the years pass on. You will be forever missed.

1951 - 2014

"Genie, you're free."

My Words #4

New

Starting over
Clean slate
Anything is possible
Leaving it to fate

Tired of disappointments 
Tired of let downs
No more going in circles
No more run-arounds

Need a new beginning
Need a new day
Need to feel new
Some how, Some way

Need someone
To take my hand
When I fall
Need somewhere to land

Wanting and waiting
For someone to catch me
Waiting so long
Feels like eternity

10-29-03

Not Worthy Of Me

You'd think I'd know better
I should know by now
I always fool myself
Into believing in what I've found

But my thanks goes out to you
For opening my eyes
Making me remember
And once again realize

You've justified my distrust
And made my walls stronger
So thanks a lot
For making my search longer

At least now I know
That's you're not for me
I deserve much better
Now I definitely see

You're not worth my time
There were too many lies you fed
You're not worth my tears
So don't expect any to be shed

To me, you're nothing
You no longer exist
You don't deserve me
Now you'll miss my kiss

11-26-03

Anything I Do

Two steps forward
Three steps back
Nothing is ever good enough
With you, there's always something that I lack

Will I ever be good enough?
Will you ever be satisfied?
Or is this the best I could do?
Is this the hardest I could have tried?

You're never happy
With anything I do
So I'm done trying
And I'm done with you

9-27-04

The One Who Loves You

I still think about you
Every now and then
How things should have
And could have been

I wonder if you miss me
Or if I've been erased from your memory
If I ever did anything wrong
I wish you could know that I'm sorry

I'd give up anything
To have one more chance with you
But she seems to make you happy
So I'll just stay out of view

Just remember that when it ends
The one who loves you is still here
Ready and willing
To hold you near

3-15-05

Not The Marrying Kind

When it comes to relationships, I fucking suck at them. I'm usually good for about a year in a relationship, and then everything goes to shit. I'm assuming that this is because the person I'm with has glimpsed some of the horrible I have inside of me. Once that happens, it's almost as if something inside me breaks. I feel as if I've tainted the relationship and there's no way to get it back to good again. I've been a perfectionist my whole life, so I suppose that's where that stems from. I've managed to ruin almost every relationship I've been a part of. This includes some friendships as well. I'm not sure if this is a trait that a lot of depression sufferers share, or if it's just me. 

My first serious relationship was when I was 20. We met through one of my best friends and it was instant attraction. I'd never felt like that with anyone before and things moved very quickly. Within a month, we were living together and everything truly seemed perfect. He cooked for me all the time and I was incredibly spoiled. We played card games together and watched movies. We just really enjoyed each other's company. At some point, my depression started getting worse and I didn't really know what to do about it. I couldn't communicate with him because I had no idea what was happening to me. It's tough to share information that you just don't have. I was mean and cold to him and I really didn't even know why I was acting the way I was. He hadn't done anything wrong, but I was treating him as if he had. I was just angry at everything. Instead of ever having a real fight with him, we just avoided each other. There were days where we would never be in the same room together for more than a couple minutes. Some days we wouldn't even speak. When it got close to our 2 year anniversary, that's when things were just at their worst. He couldn't take it anymore and honestly, neither could I. We decided to break up and I was pretty numb to it for a while. 

I ended up dating someone else for about 5 months right after we broke up. He was completely different and completely wrong for me. I guess that was a lesson that I needed to learn. Everything that went wrong in that relationship made me appreciate what I had had with my ex. I reached out to him and we started talking again. We missed each other and talked through some things, although I still didn't quite understand what I was going through. So unfortunately, that wasn't really part of the discussion. We decided to try living together again, but never officially got back together. Not with a title anyway. It was a very strange situation and most people didn't understand it, but we were doing what we thought was right for us. Things were great for a while, but eventually, things kind of fell back to the way they were before. Some of this is obviously due to my lack of knowledge. Some due to just plain stupidity. I really don't know why I do the things I do or say the things I say. I ended up living with him for almost 2 more years, but we just had to end it. Neither of us was happy and we just didn't know what to do to fix it. We didn't communicate at all and didn't know how to start. That falls on both of us.

When I was 25, I got into contact with an old friend that I had known since 4th grade. It had been quite a while since we had talked or seen each other, so we decided to get together. I had had a crush on him since we were kids, so I figured it might be an interesting situation. It was. He made me laugh and we talked about everything. We were complete opposites in some aspects, and so much alike in others. While this can be an awesome thing, it can also be a difficult one. Again, things seemed perfect for a while and I was the happiest I'd ever been. But things started to go bad for me again. This time, I bought books and did all kinds of research to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I wanted to know what my body was doing to me because I didn't want it to cause me to lose someone else. No matter how much knowledge I gain about what I'm going through, it's never going to be crystal clear to someone who isn't going through it themselves. Depression is so difficult to explain and no matter how hard you try, it doesn't always come through the way you hope. 

We ended up splitting up for a while because my feelings were all messed up. I didn't know what I wanted and I wasn't quite sure how I felt. Not until it was almost too late. Then I figured it out. I couldn't imagine my life without him and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was and is my best friend. We ended up getting back together and things were still a little rough. Then we ended up getting pregnant, then losing the baby, being really good right after that, and then falling apart again. So, now, I've lost him again and I'm pretty sure he's never coming back.

I'm terrible at opening up to people completely and I have a hard time sharing what I'm really feeling. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for me, but it always has been. I let these stupid little things ruin me and ruin the people I love. I feel like I'm just never going to find someone who can deal with me. I feel like I'll never get married and that I'll never have children, which I have always wanted. My miscarriage made me realize that I want it more than ever. I just never feel like I'm worthy of love and a good relationship after that person has seen how ugly I can be. I just want to be good enough for someone and I want to do things right. I'm truly sorry that I couldn't be better. It's something I'll never be able to get over.

My Words #3

This first one doesn't follow the format that I usually follow. I wrote it when I was dealing with my first real depressive episode and this was the best that I could describe what I was feeling. 

My Death

Shut out
Closed off
Locked away
Cold and dark
Empty room
Nothing but me
Experiencing death
While I'm alive
Watching myself deteriorate
Afraid of loneliness
Yet afraid of touch
Afraid of being afraid
Muscles tense
Throat is dry
Tears well up in my eyes
I wish I couldn't feel
Want to be numb
I wish I didn't care
Want to be stronger
I wish I didn't wish so much
Wanting it to end
All of it
Suffocating
Slowly losing life
Watching myself die
No control
Just fear
Crippling fear
So scared it hurts
Overly sensitive
Vanishing 
Gone

3-12-03

Blanket Of You

Say my name
Just say it once
I want to hear how it sounds
Coming from your mouth

Touch my hand
Hold it in yours
Let me see how it feels
Make me want more

Put your lips
Next to mine
Butterflies
Tell me this is right

Put your hand on my heart
Can you feel it?
It's pounding so fast
Does yours do that?

Wrap me up
In the blanket of you
Don't let go
Because I'm in love with you

8-22-03

Fading

Colors fading
Turning to gray
Everything is disappearing
My smile is falling away

Left behind once again
Not willing to fight
It's not worth it anymore
Days fades to night

The darkness overcomes
I'm left in black
My rainbow is gone
There's no turning back

Prepared to do anything
Whatever it takes
After I'm gone
What difference will it make?

9-5-03

30 Major Depressive Disorder Symptoms

I've been having a pretty difficult time lately and I ended up having a bit of a breakdown Thursday. Trevor helped me through it and I was able to calm down. 

Later that night, I ended up coming across an article that explained the 30 major depressive disorder symptoms. Usually if I come across anything like this, I almost always read it. These articles are interesting and can sometimes point out things that I haven't read or thought of before. 

Before I got started, Trevor and I discussed how many of the symptoms we thought I would end up having. He guessed 20 and I guessed 25. Clearly, we both know I have major issues. ;) He kept track on a piece of paper and it was actually his idea to turn this into a blog post. I will put a little * next to the ones that I personally deal with. 

30. Feelings Of Sadness*
People who are depressed are most often described as "sad." They may feel overwhelming sadness and the inability to be happy. This feeling may penetrate every part of their daily activities.

This is kind of a touchy one for me. When someone has a bad day or has had something upsetting happen to them and they choose to describe themselves as depressed, it pisses me off. Being sad and being clinically depressed are very different things. For those that have not been diagnosed, "sad" is really the best way for them to understand. That word just doesn't do it justice because it is such a deep sadness. 

29. Irritability*
Some people who are depressed experience anger and irritability. These people may be unhappy about their life and activities in it. They may find faults in things and people that used to make them happy.

If I am feeling down, I am incredibly irritable. The littlest things can set me off and it's hard for me to see the good in anything. Or anyone, for that matter. 

28. Frustration*
Depressed individuals may get frustrated at simple things in their everyday life. It could be as small as finding nothing interesting on television. They may also become easily frustrated with themselves or other loved ones.

This happens to me quite a bit. Many little things that probably shouldn't have bothered me have gotten me really upset. If the outfit I put on doesn't look as good as it did in my head; if my hair isn't cooperating; if I can't make a decision on a movie to watch; or if the food I just made doesn't taste as good as I was hoping; those things can make me just want to quit the rest of the day. 

27. Focusing On Small Matters*
People who are depressed tend to focus on small issues that are inconsequential. These small problems may disturb them greatly. They may not be able to see the big picture.

This is a HUGE issue for me. When I'm in a relationship, this type of thinking can cause me to think of almost every little issue as a deal breaker. If something happens that upsets me or annoys me, I think, "Is this the thing that's going to end it?" I don't want to have this kind of thinking. When I am on a medication that works properly, those thoughts are under control. 

26. Inability To Have Fun*
Some people who are depressed seem to be unable to experience fun or enjoyment anymore. They may have a good time, but after the activity has ended, they are back in a poor frame of mind.

This happens to me a lot. I'm usually pretty excited to go out with friends and have a good time. It usually starts out well, but at some point, it's almost like a switch flips. All of the sudden, I am sad, want to go home and I don't want to be around anyone. It takes so much effort to smile when someone asks if I'm ok. I'm still able to have fun. It just doesn't always last as long as I would like.

25. Reduced Sex Drive*
Depressed individuals may experience physical symptoms, which can manifest in an inability to enjoy sex. They may not experience pleasure in the same way they used to.

Unfortunately, this is also a big one that I deal with. When I am dealing with an episode, I don't want to be touched at all. Not even holding hands or laying close to each other. I have to have my own physical space. My body's reaction to touch is to pull away or get extremely tense. It's just an automatic thing. This is really, really hard for Trevor. Especially when all he wants to do is give me a hug and it's just hard for me to do it. It might sound stupid or strange to those who don't deal with it, but trust me, it's a real thing and it's tough.

24. Loss Of Interest In Daily Activities*
People who are depressed may lose interest in their normal, daily activities. This can be as simple as not wanting to go to work and as dangerous as not wanting to take their medications.

Thankfully, I have not had to deal with not wanting to take my medications. I know that if I didn't take them, I would be much worse off. I've been off of meds a few times and I know how bad it can get. (I'm actually off them at the moment because I need to switch to something new. I'm mostly speaking of when I am on something that works.) When I'm feeling down, I don't really want to do anything. Even singing. Some of that has to do with my sleep schedule as well, but even something that I am so passionate about gets pushed to the side.

23. Insomnia*
Some people who are depressed spend their nights worrying and experience insomnia. They may resort to taking sleeping medication or drinking alcohol in order to try to get rest.

I've always had a strange sleep schedule. I've always been a night owl. But in the last few years, this has really transformed into something else. There are those who think that insomnia means that you just aren't tired and therefore, you can't sleep. Not true at all. I am incredibly tired ALL. THE. TIME. No matter how tired I feel, I usually can't sleep. I can't even tell you how many different things I've tried to help with my sleeping. My body just doesn't take medication well and nothing really works for me. I eventually just get so tired and wore out to the point where my body really has no choice but to get some rest. This can sometimes be after I've been up for a couple days.

22. Excessive Sleeping*
Depressed individuals may conversely sleep excessively. They may not want to leave their beds, and can spend hours lounging in bed. They may also fall asleep at inappropriate times.

While I deal with insomnia, I also deal with the extreme of sleeping too much. When I am actually able to get some sleep, I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to keep sleeping and do nothing else. Lately, I've been sleeping incredibly heavy, which is very odd for me. I am normally the lightest sleeper ever. It's to the point that I can barely peel my eyes open, my vision is blurry for a while after I get up and I can't walk straight. This is a very unusual feeling for me and while I do appreciate the nights (days, technically) I am able to get some sleep, I would like to be able to wake up without it being such a struggle as well.

21. Overeating
People who are depressed may overeat. Some people mistakenly console themselves with junk food, like ice cream and fast food. This is because eating releases pleasure chemicals in the brain and can provide the temporary yet false belief of feeling better. This feeling doesn't often last very long.

I personally don't really experience this one. Only on occasion do I feel the need to eat everything I see. It's not on a regular basis though.

20. Loss Of Appetite*
Some people who are depressed experience a loss of appetite. This may be from anxiety and feeling nauseous. They may also slip into destructive eating habits in an attempt to control part of their world.

If I have any sort of reaction to food while in a depressive state, it would be a lack of appetite. When I went through my first really serious episode at the age of 17, I dropped down to 82 pounds. (At that time, I was normally around 97 pounds.) I was just never hungry. I had no desire to eat at all. Now, I LOVE food. I've always been asked how I can eat so much for being so petite, so this is strange and a real shock to my system.

19. Restlessness*
Depressed individuals may feel restless, like they want to do something, but don't know what it is. This symptom can show itself with foot tapping and twitches. Depressed individuals may also have a short attention span and move from activity to activity without fully enjoying any of them.

I have this problem all the time! It's incredibly frustrating. I've had a lot of problems with body twitches in the recent past. They've calmed down quite a bit, thank goodness. I still get them occasionally. Mostly, really late at night, I will really want to do something, have the energy for ten things, and I will have no idea what I want to do. I will feel a burst of energy and I will want to get all kinds of amazing projects done or finish things I started a long time ago, but will have no idea where to start. I end up getting so worked up about it, I lose all of my energy for it and give up. 

18. Angry Outbursts*
People who are depressed may get angry without reason. They don't understand what is happening to their mind and may feel helpless, which can manifest in angry outbursts at inappropriate times and to people who don't deserve it.

This is one of my worst symptoms. If I am going through a depressive episode, I usually only have 2 emotions, anger and sadness. There really isn't much else. While I've always dealt with anger, it has really transformed itself within the last few years. I scream at the top of my lungs, I will throw things, I will threaten to do things, physical or otherwise, just to get my way. Sometimes there's a voice telling me to stop, but it's like I physically can't help myself. I'm not in control and it's a really scary situation.

17. Slowed Thinking
Some people who are depressed may have a delayed thinking process, for instance, quickly forgetting what they were saying or doing. For a youth, this can be difficult in a school setting.

This is another one that I only deal with occasionally. Sometimes I'll forget what I was saying in the middle of my sentence. Or I will go to do something and I will completely forget what I had planned. This isn't something that is a real big problem for me though.

16. Slowed Movements
Depressed individuals may also experience slowed movement. They may not walk as fast as they used to. If they used to be active, they may not exercise any longer. 

This one doesn't really apply to me at all. I've always been a fast walker, and I still continue to walk really fast. It drives Trevor nuts. :) I'm sure there could be some sort of example where I slow down my movements, but I honestly can't think of anything.

15. Indecisiveness*
People who are depressed may exhibit indecisiveness in their daily lives. They know that certain activities will not make them happy, so they cannot choose what to do and become indecisive.

This one is bad. Trevor and I get in fights over this one all the time. Something that should be incredibly easy, like picking out what I would like to eat, feels like a life decision sometimes. I have such a hard time figuring out what I want and I don't know how to talk myself through it. I'm pretty indecisive about everything, but that's one of the main issues.

14. Easily Distracted*
Some people who are depressed get easily distracted. No activity holds their concentration. They might spend hours watching television or surfing the internet when they should be working on other tasks. 

OMG such a problem for me. It just happened before I got to this particular point actually. Fucking Facebook. I have a very hard time finishing tasks that I start. Something always catches my attention and I'm distracted for hours. 

13. Decreased Concentration*
Depressed individuals may show signs of decreased concentration. Studying may be particularly hard. They may stare into space for hours instead of focusing on one task. 

This was incredibly hard for me when I was in school (college). I had gotten through the first couple of quarters with no problem. When my meds started to fail, I had such a hard time getting homework done. I couldn't focus and if I read a page in one of my textbooks, I would be thinking about something else at the same time. Once I reached the bottom of the page, I had absolutely no idea what I had just read and I would have to start all over. 

12. Fatigue*
People who are depressed may experience great fatigue. This could be caused by improper sleep. They may want to sleep because they don't have the will or energy to do anything else. 

Another major one for me. As the description says, I'm sure improper sleep is one of the main causes. There are days that I just don't have the energy to get out of bed. I'm so emotionally, mentally and physically drained and I can't force myself to move. 

11. Loss Of Energy*
Some people who are depressed suffer a loss of energy. This could be physical, where they stop doing normal activities. It could also be mental and emotional, where they push away loved ones.

There are plenty of days that I just don't have enough energy to have a serious conversation or talk about how I'm feeling. I literally can not muster up enough energy to even make a half-assed effort. Obviously this can push people away if I am not able to open up.

10. Feelings Of Worthlessness*
Depressed individuals may feel worthless and like no one loves them. They feel like they contribute nothing to society and people hate them. This can lead to more destructive thoughts, like suicide.

While reading through this list, this one made me cry. I experience this one from time to time and it's terrible. 

9. Feelings Of Guilt*
People who are depressed may feel guilty for having a mental disorder. They feel that their sadness places a burden on others. They may thing that if only they were stronger, no one would have to suffer because of them.

I experience this one quite often. While I know it's not my fault that I have depression, sometimes I can't help but feel guilty about it. I feel guilty for all of the problems it causes in others' lives, not just mine. I have no choice but to live with this everyday for the rest of my life. Other people have the option of removing themselves from my life, and I'm always terrified that everyone will do just that.

8. Fixating On Past Failures*
Some people who are depressed fixate on past mistakes and failures. They may be insignificant and as simple as burning dinner. However, these simple mistakes can be overwhelming for those with depression.

The main thing that comes to my mind is my ex and how I treated him. At the time, I still didn't know much about my depression and everything that was going on. I treated him terribly and was never able to explain anything. I chose to just not speak to him and I was always so cold. We would go days without speaking to each other or spending any time in the same room, other than sleeping. Now that I know a lot more, I can look back and pinpoint certain things and I can explain things a little better now. Unfortunately, I'll never have the chance to explain myself and I'll never be able to take back all of the hurt that I caused him. Obviously that's a large thing, but I do fixate on tiny things all the time. Even if I know I shouldn't, I can't stop my brain from obsessing.

7. Trouble Thinking*
Depressed individuals may have trouble thinking clearly. Their thoughts are clouded and confusing. Their depression will get in the way of normal thought processes.

The funny thing is, I don't even really know how to explain this one. There are days where I just can't make proper connections. Where things just aren't making sense and I'm not exactly sure why. 

6. Trouble Concentrating
People who are depressed may have difficulty concentrating on everyday tasks. Doing the laundry or cooking may be too overwhelming for them.

Just based on the examples they give, I don't believe this is one that I deal with on a regular basis. I do, however, forget about the laundry all the damn time!

 5. Trouble Remembering Things
Some people who are depressed have trouble remembering important information. They may forget big dates or holidays, or smaller things. They may even forget to eat and practice personal hygiene.

I'm really good with dates and remembering things like that. I always have been. And I don't think I would ever forget about personal hygiene, because it drives me crazy when people don't take care of themselves.

4. Crying For No Reason*
Depressed individuals may find themselves crying for no reason. They may see a sad commercial on television and start crying. They may start crying during conversations with people. They may also start crying from no direct cause, but their own inner sadness.

As soon as I read the title for this one, I started crying. So, if that doesn't explain how incredibly sensitive I get when dealing with these episodes, I don't know what will. Every little thing can make me cry and it's really annoying. It gets to the point that, when I start to cry about something stupid, it makes me angry. 

3. Thoughts Of Suicide*
People who are depressed may start thinking about suicide. Their self destructive thoughts can become extreme. If a person confides in you that they have thought of committing suicide, be sure to report it to their loved ones or urge them to talk to a medical professional.

Unfortunately, I have had to deal with this one. I was in the hospital in March of last year because of this very thing. I can't say that those thoughts have ever gone away. I think they get pushed back when I am doing well, but as soon as things go wrong, those thoughts can come creeping back in. I'm not positive they will ever disappear. Once they've been planted, I think they're stuck. That doesn't mean they will always be strong thoughts or detailed thoughts.

2. Thoughts Of Death*
Some people who are depressed think not only of their own death, but the death of others. They may threaten others, or mention destructive activities. If you think a person is in danger of harming themselves or others, you may consider calling the police immediately.

I don't know that I've ever threatened anyone, but if I'm having an outburst, I don't always remember the details. Thoughts of death do enter my brain from time to time. I've had some pretty upsetting dreams as well. 

1. Physical Pains*
Depressed individuals may also experience physical pain brought on from their emotional pain. They may get sick more often, and feel a general malaise. They may experience headaches and migraines. They may also have constant muscle pain and stiffness.

ALL. THE. TIME. When I was dealing with my first depressive episode in high school, I started noticing that my body would just tense up and stay that way. It would just happen. I would end up with pulled muscles in my legs and arms because my body just couldn't relax. I still deal with this issue today. Even while I am sleeping, my body does not fully relax and I often wake up really sore. These days, it's mostly my back and neck. I don't really know what I could do to stop that other than asking for muscle relaxers and I don't really want to have to do that.

So, if you're keeping count, that's 25 for me personally. Boom. I was right.

This is easily the best article I've read on this topic. I know that some of the symptoms seem to be repeats of others, but I promise they are not. There are slight differences between them that maybe not everyone will catch or be able to see right away. Completely understandable. This is something that Trevor and I discussed as we read through the article. 

If you would like to read the actual article, here is the link. I have everything word for word on here (with a few things corrected), but some of the pictures they chose to represent the symptoms are kind of comical. It's definitely worth a look. 

I also came across another article a couple weeks about that talked about science getting close to being able to diagnose depression with a blood test. Here is the link for that.

For those that don't respond well to medication, this article might be of some interest to you. It discusses brain stimulation as an alternative. 

"Head Above Water" Theory Of A Deadman