Never in a million years did I think that I would be writing about this. I've always known that there was a chance it could happen, but like most people, I took on the "it won't happen to me" mentality. Unfortunately, I was only fooling myself. After speaking with the doctors and doing some reading on my own, I've learned that the chances of it happening to me were actually pretty high. Way too high.
Trevor and I were stunned when we heard that 1 in 4 pregnancies turn out this way. Knowing the statistics doesn't take away from the shock and the heartache though. Nothing will.
Let me back up a little bit and explain exactly how everything took place...
Trevor and I had discussed having genetic testing done, just in case something were to come up. This was our first baby and we wanted to be as prepared as possible. Any sort of problems that came up wouldn't have changed our decision to have the baby. It just would have allowed us to prepare a little more emotionally and to do some research before the baby arrived.
This appointment was scheduled for Tuesday, February 18, which was also my 28th birthday. We woke up early that morning to get ready. I was excited because I absolutely LOVE my birthday and we were also going to get to see the baby. We were feeling good. We arrived at the doctor's office and waited for them to call us in. When we finally got into the room, I sat down in the chair and the ultrasound tech squirted some warm gel onto my tummy. She started looking around and was very quiet.
"Tarah, have you been having any spotting or bleeding?"
"No."
I gave Trevor a worried look. I knew something was wrong. There would have been no other reason for her to ask me that.
"Is Dr. Kraker your doctor?"
"Yes."
I watched as she measured the baby. The screen said about 9 and a half weeks. I was 12 weeks along. My heart sank.
"Tarah, I'm not finding a heartbeat."
Then she just looked at me and rubbed my arm. She covered my belly with a towel and said she was going to go get one of the doctors. She left the room and I lost it.
The doctor came in, (not my doctor. My OB was on vacation that week) and told us how sorry she was and that this just happens sometimes. She explained that when this happens, it's almost always a genetic issue. The body realizes that something is wrong and stops the pregnancy. She looked at the screen and said that it looked as though the baby had died about 3 weeks ago. She was a little confused as to why my body wasn't responding. I had no spotting, bleeding or cramping. Absolutely no clue that there was anything wrong. She said I had the option of just allowing my body to go through the miscarriage on it's own or I could have surgery. There was no question. I wanted the surgery. Going through the whole miscarriage process would have made things even more traumatic for me and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. They set everything up for me and I was scheduled for surgery that Friday.
Those 3 days before the surgery were hell for me. I had to walk around knowing that my baby was still with me, but no longer alive. My heart re-broke every single time I thought about it. Trevor and I had so many questions. Things that we would never be able to know the answers to.
- Was our baby a boy or a girl?
- Would they have had Trevor's dark hair? My green eyes?
- Would they have had their dad's love of sports? My love of music?
- What kind of personality would they have had?
- Would they be smart like their dad? Funny like their mom?
- What kind of friend would they have been?
- When would they have fallen in love for the first time?
- When would they get married and have a family?
- Would they have inherited my depression?
The questions just seem endless. I know there is nothing I can do to change this, but I can't help but go over things in my mind and wonder if I could have done something differently. Is it somehow my fault that our baby is gone? No, and I know that. It doesn't stop the thoughts from creeping in. Thoughts that I'm sure will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Those 3 days seemed to drag on and fly by at the same time. I woke Friday morning, just ready to get the whole thing over with. Trevor was a nervous wreck. I told him that he was acting like he was the one having surgery. I know it was just out of love and concern for me. My parents came to the hospital as well. I may be 28 years old, but I still wanted my parents with me.
Multiple people on the hospital staff came into the room to speak with me. I had to sign some papers and keep repeating what I was having done. The surgeon came in to see if any of us had questions before they took me. I didn't really have any but Trevor asked a few things. My mother also asked, "When can she have sex again?" Trevor and I kind of laughed and I said, "I love that my mother asked that question." It actually helped lighten the mood a tiny bit, so I'm glad she asked. In all honesty, Trevor and I weren't even thinking about that. I'm sure it would have come up when we met with the doctors later for my post-op appointment, but at that very moment, it was probably one of the last things on our mind.
One of the nurses asked me if I wanted them to give me something for my nerves. I said no. My mother wanted to know if her and Trevor could have something though. Another comment to lighten the mood. Anything like that, I was thankful for. It was such a sad occasion. I just wanted everyone to be okay. This wasn't just about me.
I was completely calm until they started to wheel me down to the operating room. Then the thoughts of everything that could possibly go wrong ran through my brain. I had never even heard of this procedure until the doctors brought it up, so I was going in on faith that they knew what they were doing and everything would turn out alright.
The procedure I had done was called a D & C. If you are interested in what exactly this procedure is, just click on the letters.
One of the first things I wondered after I found out the baby had died was, "Am I still a mom?" I didn't feel like I was pregnant long enough to claim that title. I didn't really feel like I deserved it. The more things I read, the more I began to realize that, "Yes, I am a mom. I lost a child."
I'm sure that there are people in my life and in Trevor's life that are wondering what I could possibly be so upset about. Maybe they think the things that had originally crossed my mind. That I'm not really a mother yet. That I wasn't pregnant that long, so how could I possibly be so heartbroken. All I can really say is that if you haven't had to go through it, you probably won't be able to understand.
On top of all of these other thoughts, I can help but feel some sort of guilt. How could I have not known there was something wrong? Why didn't I sense it? Did I do something to deserve losing this baby? Was I not excited enough? Will Trevor hate me? Does he blame me on some level? Does he think it's my fault? I know it's not my fault and there's nothing I could have done. I just don't understand how I couldn't have felt that there was something wrong.
I have to say thank you to everyone who has been there for us. We are amazed by the out-pour of love and concern that we have received. I wish there was some way that I could truly show my appreciation and gratitude to each and every one of you. You have all been incredible. I've received messages from people that I don't normally talk to or haven't been in contact with for a while. You still took the time to let me know that you were thinking of me or that you had also been through the same thing. It's meant so much. You have offered to share your stories with me, and I haven't taken advantage of that yet. I just wanted to take some time for Trevor and I to be together and just be sad. I know the sadness will never go away, but I think I'm ready to hear some of your stories now. Please, if you are still willing, share your experiences with me. It would mean the world to me. Again, I can't thank everyone enough for being so kind to us.
On the flip side, there are also those that have chosen to not say anything at all or say as little as possible. While I understand that this is a difficult situation and people may not know how to react to us, please know that acknowledging the baby and us is what we need and what will help us get through this. While I have received an endless amount of messages from a numerous amount of people, Trevor has not gotten as much support. There are a few people who have been wonderful and checked on him repeatedly. To you, I say thank you for being there for him, and thank you for your concern for me. The people that he would have expected to hear from on a regular basis have, unfortunately, failed him in that area. (For me, there are only a couple people I have not heard anything from.) Even if they dislike me, Trevor needs as much love and support as I do. I just wish that was the first concern right now.
To Trevor: My love, I am so sorry that we are both experiencing this. I couldn't ask for a better partner, friend, or man in my life. You've always been there for me, but even more-so lately. I wasn't sure that was possible. I couldn't imagine having anyone else by my side. You are amazing and I don't tell you enough. Thank you for holding me and letting me cry. Thank you for letting me grieve in my own way. Thank you for accepting that I find comfort in humor, no matter how inappropriate it is, and thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for telling me every single day how beautiful you think I am and how much you love me. I never knew how much I needed that until you came along. You are everything to me and I don't think I could make it through this without you. I honesty don't think I would even be here anymore if you weren't with me. You've saved me more times than I can tell you. I hope that someday I am able to give you a fraction of what you have given me. Hopefully that includes a beautiful family. I love you always & forever.
Through this, I have realized a few things about myself. Most importantly, I want to be more gentle with people. I've actually been thinking about this for quite some time, but this event has solidified it for me. I just want to treat people with more softness and sweetness. I know that sometimes I can come off a bit rough, and I still will at times. I'm not changing who I am. I just want to be more conscious of how I treat people and the things I say.
Another thing that is going to change is my efforts towards others that clearly have no concern for other people. If you don't like me, that's totally fine. But if you claim to dislike me and you don't even know me, then that says more about you than it does about me. I no longer have patience for those who seem to only care about themselves or want to constantly be the center of everyone else's world. We are adults and we should be worrying about other things. I feel like I've just lost a chunk of my heart and from this day forward, I will be focusing on the important things. I want to be happy and I want to surround myself with others that are happy as well.
I know I have the best partner possible and my mother and father have been wonderful. Our friends have been absolutely amazing. You guys are my strength and will help me get through the rough parts. Again, I can't thank you enough. I am now faced with having to see things every single day from other women who are pregnant. It's extremely difficult, but it does not lessen my joy for them. I would never wish this pain upon anyone else. The hardest thing I've had to see is pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy.
I completely understand that not everyone's pregnancies are fun or enjoyable. Obviously. It's just something that is hard to see. I just wish they would realize how absolutely lucky they are to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I would much rather have the misery of pregnancy right now. Hopefully I will get my turn someday soon.
To our baby: I know you can't be here with us. We just want you to know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. We had so many plans for you and were so excited to watch you grow. Please know that we will think of you every single day. I feel some comfort in knowing that Casey is up there to look after you (Thank you Megan <3 ). Take care of each other. Mommy and Daddy love you peanut. We'll be with you someday.
I AM 1 IN 4
