Plot Twist!

It's been quite a while since I've written a post. I just haven't had the energy or felt motivated. I can't say that I am overwhelmed with energy or motivation at this moment either. To be honest, I just got really sick of having such a large time span between posts. 

The focus of this blog might shift into a slightly different direction for a while. Possibly for however long I decide to continue writing. There are some big changes ahead.

I wouldn't say that this is something that has gone wrong in my life. It is just unexpected. I found out a couple of weeks ago that Trevor and I are going to have a baby. I have to say that my reaction was not what I had thought it would be or what I had hoped it would be. Since my last post, I have still been struggling with trying to get the correct medications for me and it's been an incredibly frustrating process. So, needless to say, my meds aren't stable and therefore, I am not stable. The focus of this blog is now going to follow my struggles with depression while going through pregnancy. I see some bumps ahead folks, so get ready. 

As soon as I saw the pregnancy test, I immediately started crying. I had so many things running through my head. 

"We're not ready."

"I'm not ready." 

"There's no way this is really happening."
"What about postpartum?"

"How am I going to handle this?"
"I don't think I'm going to be a good mother."

The list could go on. The thoughts just fired through my brain and I didn't know how to really calm myself. I also thought about the fact that my parents would be so disappointed and upset. Now, I realize that I am almost 28 years old. I'm not in the place I want to be, but I am an adult. But nonetheless, I knew that they would not have a happy reaction. Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised by a couple people and there were a couple that didn't surprise me at all. Thank goodness I have awesome friends that are super excited and have been wonderful.

I stopped taking my medications as soon as I found out, so for the last few weeks, I haven't been taking anything at all. I've been waiting to talk to a doctor about which medications would be safe to take and what not. I had an appointment with my OB on Friday and she said that the medications I was on are safe and I can continue taking them. I am going to slowly reintroduce them back into my system. I can definitely feel that I haven't been on anything for a few weeks. I think that is why I don't feel as excited as I think I should. Nothing about this is going how I had imagined it. I'm hoping that once I am on a medication that works, I will be able to experience the emotions of excitement, joy, and love that I should be feeling.

I thought that the ultrasound would make everything a little more real for me. It didn't. I still feel like I'm in some sort of dream. Even though I don't feel well emotionally, I've been trying to eat well and make sure I take care of myself as best as I can. Thankfully, I haven't been very sick. I've only thrown up 5 times so far, so I'm lucky. I feel nauseous almost everyday at some point. It's not all the time though. My biggest issues are nasal congestion and my back and left hip are in awful pain most of the time. These last few days, my hip hasn't been so bad. Thank goodness! There were 2 or 3 days that I could barely walk. My doctor is going to refer me to a physical therapist so that they can help me throughout the pregnancy. The hip and back pain will only get worse as I get bigger, so I will need the help.

Trevor and I got to hear the heartbeat for a couple of seconds on Friday. Then the baby moved and we couldn't hear it anymore. It turns out that my uterus it tilted back slightly, so the doctor thinks the baby just moved towards the back. Baby is a brat already. :) I also found out that I apparently have a rare blood type. I find that slightly fascinating and I'm not really sure why.

I should just wear this shirt 7 days a week. I've been incredibly hungry, but I don't always know what I want. I haven't had any steady cravings. That usually changes day to day, which is how I am anyway. Currently, I am dying for some really delicious barbecue chicken. If there is any fruit around, I'm all over it. (I'm currently eating a big bowl of cubed watermelon.) I've also been eating a lot of salads and drinking a lot of milk. Normally, I am allergic to milk, but for some reason it isn't making me sick like it usually does. I'm not complaining. I think it's amazing. 

I am starting to see a slight change in my belly already. Nothing too dramatic, but something that I would notice, because, well, it's MY body. I'm excited to see and feel all of the changes that are going to happen. The hip and back thing can calm the fuck down though.