Books, Books, Books

I've had about a million and one ideas flying through my head for my book. Have I written any of them down? No. Because that would make way too much sense. They usually come to me when I'm lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. I just don't have the energy in those moments to force myself out of bed, find a pen and some paper and put things that make sense onto that paper. I will have to force myself to sit down and really get some ideas out of me soon though. I already can't sleep, so when all of that stuff rushes my brain, it's even more frustrating. I'll keep you updated on how that's progressing. Hopefully by my next post, I will have put something to paper.

I have been doing a lot of reading, per usual. I will share some of the books I've read and my thoughts on said books. 

This is the one I just finished:

The first novel I've ever been able to read and actually enjoy. Also, the first book I've read in quite a while that has nothing to do with depression or some sort of disorder. It was a nice change and I absolutely loved it. Looking forward to reading the second book. I would totally recommend this if you enjoy novels. 

I finished this one before I read the novel. I read another book by Kay Redfield Jamison a while back called Night Falls Fast. I think I enjoyed that one more. This book just didn't seem to give me what I was looking for. I was hoping that she would go into more detail about her feelings and what she went through in that aspect. Instead, it reads more like her life story with bits of "oh yeah, I have bipolar disorder" in there. Maybe I'm being too hard on the book. I'm not sure. But, I suppose that's where the beauty of being able to write my own story comes in. I can tell all of the things that I wasn't able to get from this book. Or I can at least try.

I would like to share some passages from the book that did speak to me. 

There is a part where she speaks of manic depressive disorder being genetic and the chances of passing the disease on to her future children. She discusses a particular doctor visit where this doctor asks her ridiculous questions about her disorder (he basically quizzes her to see if she knows what she's talking about) and then proceeds to tell her that she should never have children. Mind you, this occurred a long time ago and I would certainly hope that the view on this has changed. Unfortunately, she never did end up having children of her own and claims that this is "the single most intolerable regret" of her life. 

Passing on my disorders is something that has crossed my mind often. It's something Trevor and I have discussed and we know how we would like to handle it. I didn't have a great support system and I refuse to let my own children feel alone. If anyone should have a child with this illness, we believe it should be to a parent that can understand exactly what it feels like. Obviously, this wouldn't always be the most ideal situation. It would depend on how well the parent has been able to deal with their own illness, denial vs. acceptance, if they can take care of themselves, etc. Hopefully, my children won't ever have to go through it, but chances are that they will. 

Jamison also discusses the topic of suicide and her own personal attempt.

I could not stand the pain any longer, could not abide the bone-weary and tiresome person I had become, and felt that I could not continue to be responsible for the turmoil I was inflicting upon my friends and family. In a perverse linking within my mind I thought that, like the pilot whom I had seen kill himself to save the lives of others, I was doing the only fair thing for the people I cared about; it was also the only sensible thing to do for myself. One would put an animal to death for far less suffering.

Recently, I was cleaning and going through papers in my drawers. I found two letters that I had written. One was to Trevor and one was to my parents. They were both to say goodbye. They were dated October 13th, 2013. That really isn't that long ago, but feels like forever to me. I honestly don't remember writing them, but that wasn't the first time that thoughts like those had been through my brain. I thought the same things that Jamison thought; that I would be doing my friends and family a favor. They wouldn't have to deal with me or have to try to understand me or my problems anymore. 

I don't feel that way now, but I'm sure at some point I will have those thoughts again. I just have to keep reminding myself that things can get better and I won't always feel that way. I have so many things to look forward to and so many things that I simply don't want to miss out on. 

There is a passage where Jamison does an excellent job in describing what it's like to have episodes and go through moments where you have no control over what you are saying or doing. 

Both my manias and depressions had violent sides to them. Violence, especially if you are a woman, is not something spoken about with ease. Being wildly out of control---physically assaultive, screaming insanely at the top of one's lungs, running frenetically with no purpose or limit, or impulsively trying to leap from cars---is frightening to others and unspeakably terrifying to oneself. In blind manic rages I have done all of these things, at one time or another, and some of them repeatedly; I remain acutely and painfully aware of how difficult it is to control or understand such behaviors, much less explain them to others. I have, in my psychotic, seizure-like attacks---destroyed things I cherish, pushed to the utter edge people I love, and survived to think I could never recover from the shame. 

This strikes a HUGE chord with me. In the last few years, I have watched my depression transition into something more than just clinical depression.(I use the word "just" loosely, because to just have clinical depression is plenty.)  I have become violent and on many occasions, screamed my lungs out at others. I have also threatened to jump from a moving vehicle a few times as well. A lot of these moments are hard to remember for me. They seem very distant and almost like they didn't happen to me; like I watched them happen to someone else. 

A lot of people don't understand why Trevor is with me. Sometimes I don't even understand it myself. These episodes are incredibly hard to deal with and most people don't understand what is going on. I am confused by a lot of it myself, so I can only imagine how it seems from the outside. There are some people who think that I use my disorders as an excuse for many different things. That is very easy to say when you have no idea what you're talking about. 

I have done and said a lot of damaging things. The worst has been to Trevor and yet, here he is by my side. I can't explain how thankful I am to have him. He doesn't fully understand the things I deal with, but he's trying. I can't really ask for more than that. Effort is a huge thing with me. At this point, I think I've done almost all of the explaining I need to do. Most of it has really been owed to one person, and he's right next to me.

There are others that I know may have questions, and I totally understand that. Please feel free to ask me anything. I'm okay with it and I will do my best to give you an answer. The only thing I will say is that I will not tolerate being continuously put in the hot seat and treated like some sort of criminal. Friendly questions and discussion are always welcomed. Interrogation is not. 

While I am very blessed to be loved by an amazing man, love in itself cannot cure me. This is another point Jamison talks about in her book.

No amount of love can cure madness or unblacken one's dark moods. Love can help, it can make the pain more tolerable, but, always, one is beholden to medication that may or may not always work and may or may not be bearable. Madness, on the other hand, most certainly can, and often does, kill love through its mistrustfulness, unrelenting pessimism, discontents, erratic behavior, and, especially, through its savage moods. The sadder, sleepier, slower, and less volatile depressions are more intuitively understood and more easily taken in stride. A quiet melancholy is neither threatening nor beyond ordinary comprehension; an angry, violent, vexatious despair is both. 

 At one point, I thought I had destroyed my relationship with Trevor, among a few others. We had broken up and tried to stop speaking. We fought all the time. But we never could seem to stay away. It was only when I thought I was really going to lose him and that I had done irreparable damage that I finally realized how much I loved and needed him. Thankfully, with time, he has forgiven me. We are happier now than we have been in a long, long time. Recent events have brought us closer as well. 

While I never wanted to be a person that had to take medication every day for the rest of their life, I will gladly do it if it keeps me from feeling so incredibly low. I am still not where I'd like to be emotionally. I don't think I am on the right medication, but it's keeping the bad at bay for now. 

I guess, overall, I did get some things from this book, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on it. I just wish the majority of the book didn't feel so.... bland. I hate to say that because it's her life. It just didn't read with as much emotion as I was hoping for I guess. But, now that I think about it, maybe it's because of me. Maybe my current mood wasn't allowing me to really experience the book as it was intended. 

This is what I am currently reading. I have only made it a couple chapters in, but I'm hoping it will be a fascinating read. Especially because I'm pretty sure I know someone who falls into this catagory. 

Now What?

On March 3rd, I had my post-op checkup. My OB talked to us for a while about what our plans were. She gave us some advice and answered any questions we had. She examined me and said that everything was as it should be and I healed perfectly. Thank goodness!

It almost feels as if I was never pregnant. Everything happened so quickly. It took us so long to get over the shock of it all and by the time we were finally getting really excited, it was over. I didn't really get to experience anything other than nausea and hip pain. I only gained a couple pounds, which are gone now. I wasn't far enough to feel movements or any of the really big milestones that women look forward to in pregnancy. We did get to hear the heartbeat once. It makes us so sad to think about that day. Considering when we heard it, the baby had to have passed away about a week later. It's just incredibly unbelievable and heartbreaking.

I read that Pink wrote this about her miscarriage. I liked the song to begin with. Now I like it even more.

Beyonce talking about her miscarriage and the song she wrote called "Heartbeat"

I am coping as best as I can. I'm not breaking down as much, but it really hits me at certain moments. Same for Trevor. My body has pretty much adjusted to what it was before I was pregnant. Unfortunately, that means that my insomnia is back. I'm having so much trouble sleeping and I only seem to be motivated to do anything when it's really late at night. So now I'm back to trying sleeping pills occasionally. 

Pretty much how I feel every time I look at the clock.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I wanted to look for books on miscarriage, but apparently this is more difficult than I imagined it would be. At least when it comes to looking in an actual bookstore. There are a bunch on Amazon, which is the route I'm going to have to go. Trevor and I went to two different Barnes & Noble bookstores and neither had any. We ended up going back to the first B&N about a week or so later and they had one. ONE!! Considering the statistics on how often this happens, I'm amazed that they didn't carry more. 

(Side note: I was really amused that in the Women's Health section, there was a book about prostate cancer for dummies. It gave me a little giggle.)

When I saw this one book on miscarriage, I grabbed it and bought it without hesitation. I made it 3 chapters in and we had to return it. I am not a religious person, but that doesn't mean I have issues with people who are. I just don't like religion being pushed at me. When I began the book, there were a few things about God and whatnot and I figured I could just try to read the book for what it was really for; support for women who've had a miscarriage. I couldn't do it. The book was all about religion and using your faith to get through it. The book also had all kinds of scriptures to look up. It would be perfect for someone who has a strong relationship with God. I'm not saying it's a bad book. I'm just saying that it's not for me. So I will have to search for something else.

Until then, I still have an amazing amount of support. My friend Megan sent me a package in the mail last week. I opened it to find a necklace with baby feet imprinted on it and the February birthstone. It means so much that she would do that for me. I had been telling Trevor that I wanted a necklace for the baby and now I have one. Thank you Megan. I love you for being such a good friend to me. <3 

Through all of this, I've learned that we as women need to be better to each other. It's not something that I didn't know before. It's just been made more clear to me. What I am dealing with is only a fraction of what some others have to deal with. I just hope that those women have had the kind of love and support that I have had. A lot of women are more concerned with judging one another than with loving and helping each other. I'm fortunate to have some amazing female friends that have been there for me through this and many, many other hard times. I'm not trying to exclude men. I'm just saying that women tend to be really hard on other women. Hopefully no offense is taken.

I have even had the privilege of making some new friends throughout this. Everyone has really been amazing, and I don't care how annoying it gets, I can't say thank you enough. I have made some new connections and it's incredible. Please know that I am thankful for every single one of you and I hope that we continue to stay connected as time passes.

As I stated in my previous post, I am not going to allow people into my life that are all about themselves or like to stir up drama. I want to be surrounded by positive people that want to lift each other up. Trevor and I need that in our lives. With that being said, second chances are almost always given by me. I'm not in a hurry to shut people out, because I know everyone makes mistakes. Trust me! I've made plenty and I'm thankful for those that have given me a second chance. I do have limits though and after the second chance, it's a done deal. 

One thing that I've been doing to help myself is physical therapy. I actually started going about a week before we lost the baby. I was sent because I was having such severe hip pain. It turns out that my hips are completely twisted. I've had hip and back problems for a long time, so that is why they started to bother me so early in the pregnancy. Otherwise, back pain doesn't usually show up until much later. We thought it might be a good idea for me to continue going, even after our loss, just so that I could get the problem fixed. Then, when I do become pregnant again, the issue won't be as severe and I'll know what to do to help alleviate some of the pain. So, I've been going twice a week and doing the exercises at home. I actually do feel a little bit of a difference, so that's good. I have to have measurements taken next week, so that will tell me if there really is a difference or not. 

Another thing that has been brought up is the idea of me writing a book. This was Trevor's idea. I've never really thought of myself as a writer, but I have always enjoyed it. I've written poetry since I was about 12. Sadly, I got out of the habit of doing that on a regular basis. I have gotten an unbelievable amount of support on my last post and this has made me really start to consider the idea. It would probably be similar to what you read here on my blog, since it would be about depression and bipolar disorder. I want to say thank you to those that have supported this idea. You all have lifted me up and given me a boost of confidence. So, I think I'm going to give it a try! 

I'm going to try this for you peanut. We wish you could be with us. We love you. <3