It almost feels as if I was never pregnant. Everything happened so quickly. It took us so long to get over the shock of it all and by the time we were finally getting really excited, it was over. I didn't really get to experience anything other than nausea and hip pain. I only gained a couple pounds, which are gone now. I wasn't far enough to feel movements or any of the really big milestones that women look forward to in pregnancy. We did get to hear the heartbeat once. It makes us so sad to think about that day. Considering when we heard it, the baby had to have passed away about a week later. It's just incredibly unbelievable and heartbreaking.
I read that Pink wrote this about her miscarriage. I liked the song to begin with. Now I like it even more.
Beyonce talking about her miscarriage and the song she wrote called "Heartbeat"
I am coping as best as I can. I'm not breaking down as much, but it really hits me at certain moments. Same for Trevor. My body has pretty much adjusted to what it was before I was pregnant. Unfortunately, that means that my insomnia is back. I'm having so much trouble sleeping and I only seem to be motivated to do anything when it's really late at night. So now I'm back to trying sleeping pills occasionally.
Pretty much how I feel every time I look at the clock.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I wanted to look for books on miscarriage, but apparently this is more difficult than I imagined it would be. At least when it comes to looking in an actual bookstore. There are a bunch on Amazon, which is the route I'm going to have to go. Trevor and I went to two different Barnes & Noble bookstores and neither had any. We ended up going back to the first B&N about a week or so later and they had one. ONE!! Considering the statistics on how often this happens, I'm amazed that they didn't carry more.
(Side note: I was really amused that in the Women's Health section, there was a book about prostate cancer for dummies. It gave me a little giggle.)
When I saw this one book on miscarriage, I grabbed it and bought it without hesitation. I made it 3 chapters in and we had to return it. I am not a religious person, but that doesn't mean I have issues with people who are. I just don't like religion being pushed at me. When I began the book, there were a few things about God and whatnot and I figured I could just try to read the book for what it was really for; support for women who've had a miscarriage. I couldn't do it. The book was all about religion and using your faith to get through it. The book also had all kinds of scriptures to look up. It would be perfect for someone who has a strong relationship with God. I'm not saying it's a bad book. I'm just saying that it's not for me. So I will have to search for something else.
Until then, I still have an amazing amount of support. My friend Megan sent me a package in the mail last week. I opened it to find a necklace with baby feet imprinted on it and the February birthstone. It means so much that she would do that for me. I had been telling Trevor that I wanted a necklace for the baby and now I have one. Thank you Megan. I love you for being such a good friend to me. <3
Through all of this, I've learned that we as women need to be better to each other. It's not something that I didn't know before. It's just been made more clear to me. What I am dealing with is only a fraction of what some others have to deal with. I just hope that those women have had the kind of love and support that I have had. A lot of women are more concerned with judging one another than with loving and helping each other. I'm fortunate to have some amazing female friends that have been there for me through this and many, many other hard times. I'm not trying to exclude men. I'm just saying that women tend to be really hard on other women. Hopefully no offense is taken.
I have even had the privilege of making some new friends throughout this. Everyone has really been amazing, and I don't care how annoying it gets, I can't say thank you enough. I have made some new connections and it's incredible. Please know that I am thankful for every single one of you and I hope that we continue to stay connected as time passes.
As I stated in my previous post, I am not going to allow people into my life that are all about themselves or like to stir up drama. I want to be surrounded by positive people that want to lift each other up. Trevor and I need that in our lives. With that being said, second chances are almost always given by me. I'm not in a hurry to shut people out, because I know everyone makes mistakes. Trust me! I've made plenty and I'm thankful for those that have given me a second chance. I do have limits though and after the second chance, it's a done deal.
One thing that I've been doing to help myself is physical therapy. I actually started going about a week before we lost the baby. I was sent because I was having such severe hip pain. It turns out that my hips are completely twisted. I've had hip and back problems for a long time, so that is why they started to bother me so early in the pregnancy. Otherwise, back pain doesn't usually show up until much later. We thought it might be a good idea for me to continue going, even after our loss, just so that I could get the problem fixed. Then, when I do become pregnant again, the issue won't be as severe and I'll know what to do to help alleviate some of the pain. So, I've been going twice a week and doing the exercises at home. I actually do feel a little bit of a difference, so that's good. I have to have measurements taken next week, so that will tell me if there really is a difference or not.
Another thing that has been brought up is the idea of me writing a book. This was Trevor's idea. I've never really thought of myself as a writer, but I have always enjoyed it. I've written poetry since I was about 12. Sadly, I got out of the habit of doing that on a regular basis. I have gotten an unbelievable amount of support on my last post and this has made me really start to consider the idea. It would probably be similar to what you read here on my blog, since it would be about depression and bipolar disorder. I want to say thank you to those that have supported this idea. You all have lifted me up and given me a boost of confidence. So, I think I'm going to give it a try!
I'm going to try this for you peanut. We wish you could be with us. We love you. <3
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