...And Sometimes I Forget Things

I was thinking about my blog post from last night.... and I realized I forgot some things. Sigh. Someday, my brain will have it's shit together and I will be able to think clearly. I'm just going to jump right in. Ready, set, GO!

When I am dealing with a depressive episode, another thing that happens to me is that I don't want any sort of physical touch. I'm not exactly sure why this happens, but I don't want to cuddle, hold hands, or anything of the sort. Obviously this can be very difficult if I am in a relationship... and I am. I have tried to be better about it, because I realize that I am not the only person in my relationship that has wants and needs. Being in a partnership with no affection is basically just being glorified roommates. 

There are times when Trevor gets incredibly frustrated, and understandably so, because I don't want to be next to him. This is nothing personal against him, which I would hope is obvious, because if it was, I wouldn't be with him. Duh. Sometimes that's hard to be mindful of when his feelings are hurt and he's feeling rejected. It's always hard to explain that this is all me. I am the problem and it's me who has the defect. 

As I've said before, I don't feel that I am currently on the proper medication, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I'm thinking that it might be time to make a doctor's appointment and have her give me something else. I asked her to switch me a while back, but she didn't want to do that. I think it might be time to try again though. I'm not feeling particularly bad, but I don't feel great either. 

These last few weeks, I've also had some moments where thoughts about my miscarriage have really hit me. Something will trigger it and I'll go limp in my seat and am just a mess. It tends to happen in a public place, so I have to wipe my eyes and try to hold it together. It still doesn't seem real. It almost feels as if it happened to a really close friend and I can feel their pain. I was still coming to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mommy, so nothing about this whole situation has set in. I would be 5 months along now. I know it does me no good to think about the timeline and where I would be, but I can't help it. My brain is giving me no choice but to think about these things. All I know is that I want to be a mom more than anything. I always knew I wanted kids, but this has made me want it now. 

I have a lot of reading to do. I just recently ordered some new books and I'm pretty excited about them. I always want new books when I have so many that I still have to read. That's normal, right? I just got one in the mail today and this is it:

A friend of mine read this and posted about it, so I thought I would check it out. I'm interested to see how much of it applies to me. Hopefully there is a lot of helpful information in it that I can share with you. 

My books look ridiculous after I've finished reading them. There are usually about a million sticky notes sticking out to mark things that I want to discuss. I still need to do a blog about The Sociopath Next Door because that book was fascinating. The person who I thought could fit into that category, I'm about 95-98% sure that they do now. 

Anywho, here are some of the other books that are in line for me to read:

I have some other fun, non-mental illness books coming to me too, so I will probably place those in between these. Lots and lots of reading days ahead of me and I freaking love it. I just recently finished Shania Twain's autobiography and it was so cool. 

I'm sorry that this entry was kind of rambly. I don't even think that's a real word, but we'll go with it. I just wanted to add in the things that I forgot about last night. If I wake up tomorrow and find that I still forgot a bunch of stuff, I'm gonna be pissed. Haha!

I hope that you guys are able to get something out of my writing and I would love to hear about you. Tell me about your struggles and how you deal with them. Or if you want to tap into the music side of this blog, tell me about some of your favorite music. Tell me what artists or songs get you through tough times and what makes you happy. 

Soon, I will be doing an entry on my favorite music movies and another post about my favorite musicals. I've got a lot of things planned, so hopefully they will be things that you will enjoy.

(All of my entries about music, movies and book have been moved to a separate blog. If you'd like to read those, here is the link.)

Thank you to everyone that takes the time to read my blog. I appreciate it more than you know. <3

Thank you to Trevor for putting up with me. I love you!

Sometimes I Get Sad

As I've stated in previous entries, depression is incredibly difficult to understand. The person who has it is confused, and therefore everyone else around them is also confused. It is impossible to fully explain how it feels, but sometimes it's necessary to try. If we've done our best to try to help someone understand better and they still reject us, then there is nothing we can do. Some people are more comfortable in not knowing and just want to pretend that there isn't any problem at all. Some want to know way too much and no matter how much explanation you try to give, it's never enough. I've experienced both. 

Something that can make it even more difficult for others to understand is the fact that depression is different for each person. It does different things to different people, but yet there is a unified experience. Even that sounds confusing, but those that deal with it themselves will probably understand what I'm saying. While I can't speak for everyone, I can certainly speak for myself and do my best to explain what happens to me when I am dealing with depressive moods. 

My depressive moods can hit me out of absolutely nowhere. I can be smiling and laughing one minute and sad or pissed off 2 seconds later. I will not have any idea why I feel that way, but I can't kick it. I have to just ride it out, and that could be hours, days, or even a couple weeks. People around me will ask me what's wrong and it's hard to answer because I have no idea what the hell is wrong. I just feel like crap. 

Most of the time, when my mood is really low, it almost paralyzes me and I can't speak about anything that I'm feeling at all. It's as if my body just can't physically get words out. I may have a billion things running through my brain, but no way to get a sound out of my mouth. I'm not sure if this is a typical thing when it comes to depression, but it is something that has been really hard to deal with for me. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for those that are trying to get information out of me as well. 

There are also times where I am just so physically and mentally tired, I can't muster up enough energy to try to explain what I'm feeling. I just want to sit there and not move or speak for a while. I just want to shut everything and everyone out for a bit. Sometimes this is when I attempt to sleep. (My sleep habits are a whole different deal that could take up it's own post.... and it might at some point.) When I am able, I usually just use sleep as an escape. I tend to have incredibly strange or sad dreams, so it's not always helpful. 

Sometimes, I just need to have some time by myself. I just want to be alone. Most of the time, this is due to the exhaustion, but it's also partly because I don't want to end up saying something mean to someone else. I tend to get really mean and snippy when I'm feeling down. 

Just as I am sometimes paralyzed and can't respond at times, sometimes I am also not able to stop myself from saying or doing something. Depression is like a stranger that takes over your body. I feel like an observer that is stuck inside my own body, but I have no control over anything that's happening. I could be screaming at myself inside my head, saying, "Don't say that! Don't do it!" but I can't physically stop it. 

It's incredibly difficult to keep up with my moods, and I realize that. I don't expect anyone to completely get my situation. It always means a lot when someone really tries to understand me, and I can tell you that those experiences are very few. I'm an open book and I have no problem answering questions as best as I can. But as I said, everyone's experience isn't the same as mine, so what I have to say might not help you. All I can do is give you insight into what my days are like and how I cope. I am always willing to listen if someone needs me though. That's been one of my toughest issues. I always feel as if I am burdening everyone when I feel down, and no one would really understand me anyway. That's a terrible way to feel and if I can prevent someone else from feeling the same, then I've done my job. 

It's really hard to put on a brave face when you are feeling so down. Sometimes it takes everything inside of me to fake a smile. I'm absolutely awful at hiding my feelings, good or bad, so it's usually pretty easy to tell if I'm not feeling well. Depending on the situation, I try to cover it up. For example, if I'm out with friends, I try to put on a smile and enjoy myself. Most of the time, I'm usually just too tired to try to fake it though. 

It's hard for others to recognize your effort to work on yourself. If the amount of effort you are able to put forth doesn't look like what they expect, then they may accuse you of not trying at all. For me personally, there is only so much I can do some days. I also have days where I just don't have any energy to try at all and I just need some time to be a mess and fall apart. 

If you are are the friend/family member/significant other of someone who has depression and you don't know how to get closer, this is for you:

I was also able to find an awesome description of depression. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it's great.

It's so hard to find people that are willing to try to understand. Please know that you are not alone and there are others out there that know what you are going through. As hard as it can be, reach out. You might be surprised at how kind and loving people can be. 

If the person you reach out to ends up being horrible to you, just try to keep in mind that they might also be dealing with something themselves. It is never your fault if someone is awful to you because of what you're going through. I know it's hard not to take certain things personally. I have a lot of trouble when it comes to that. Don't let bad moments or comments keep you from trying though. You will find someone who understands or wants to understand. 

Learning how to deal with and navigate depression takes time. I'm not sure if anyone can ever get a firm hold on what's happening, but it's better to try than to let yourself rot in darkness. All you can do is your best, and my hand is out if you need to grab it.

Dreams & Sickness

I've been sick for almost three weeks now. Nothing too severe. Just coughing and some congestion. But it's really fucking annoying! This is the first time I've ever thrown up from coughing so much. It's happened twice now. Twice is enough. I also think I bruised my diaphragm... or something like that. It hurts even just to touch my ribs, and I get a sharp pain now every time I cough. Fun times.

During these three weeks of sickness, I have been having some incredibly strange dreams. I'm not sure if the two things are related or not, but they fall into the same timeline, so.... I can only assume that they are. These dreams are serious potential writing material. I've never been interested in writing fiction, mostly because I would probably suck at it. I don't even read much fiction. These dreams are just weird enough that I might give it a try though. 

I absolutely think this is true! I remember a lot of my dreams, which I've been told means that I am waking up in the wrong stage of my sleep cycle. 

Apparently, a lot of creative people tend to sleep like shit and can remember some of their dreams. This makes a lot of sense to me. I've heard a lot of stories about famous people creating songs, paintings, movie scripts, or novels based on some of their dreams. I can definitely see why this happens. These particular dreams I've been having are crazy detailed and very weird. I will try to give a brief description of each. Maybe you could tell me if any of them would be worth trying to expand into a story. Although, I realize that these descriptions might sound like complete rubbish to you, seeing as how I at least had the visuals to go along with them. I will do my best though. I apologize if this sucks and none of them are interesting.

Dream 1

This dream revolved around me being chased down for something that I was not guilty of. I was to be sacrificed (I only use this word because that is how it was phrased in the dream) in front of a huge crowd. I was tied up and hung from the ceiling somehow. Not by my neck. They didn't end up killing me. Someone came to my rescue and proved my innocence. He took me down and untied me. I remember that I was wearing a long, lace dress. There are pieces that I remember taking place before this, but they are just fragments. I know there was a little girl at some point and I know that these people were looking for me when I was with her.

Dream 2 

This dream involved a man from a TV series that I watched a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with the show Girls, but the character named Adam was in this dream. He was much less weird and awkward in my dream than he is on the show though. This one started out as my neighbors having a party. A girl came to my bedroom window (weird) and invited me over. I got ready and went, only to find that I was too late. Most of the people were gone. There were still a few hanging around though. There ended up being some sort of virus that was passed from person to person, although I'm not sure how it was transferred. These people didn't become zombies, but they were in a sort of trace-like state and it caused them to harm another person. I can't really remember, but I think that once they had hurt someone, they snapped out of it and the virus had taken hold of someone else. The virus never hit me, but it had taken hold of my dad and he's the one that tried to hurt me. I can't remember exactly what he did, but I got free before anything happened to me. I also remember my mother electrocuting a girl at some point. My dog, Casey, was in this dream as well. I think she was evil at one point, too.

Dream 3

This dream seems very movie-esque to me. The beginning of it took place at a sort of school concert. I'm not sure how it ties into the rest of the dream because it doesn't really make sense. At one point, I was talking with a doctor about children. We discussed the fact that I had had a miscarriage, but the doctor said that I could no longer get pregnant. I was really confused and was asking a lot of questions. I finally got it out of the doctor that I was actually able to get pregnant, but if I did, I would be having an evil child. The dream skipped around and I ended up being in some sort of tank filled with water. I'm terrified of water, so anytime it shows up in my dreams, which is fairly often, it freaks me out. This one wasn't as bad as others that I've had. Anyway, somehow, I escaped this tank of water with a little girl. We were walking down the sidewalk holding hands and talking. After a while, a little boy was walking towards us and the girl seemed to know him. Someone else approached me and asked me who I was talking to. It turns out that these two children were actually dead and I was seeing their ghosts. No one else could see them. I woke up after that. 

So, this is the weird shit that has been going on in my brain at night. Maybe I'm just finally losing it. I don't know. But maybe my dreams will just start providing me with writing material like they have for many others. What do you think?

A Freddy  reference is always appropriate