When I am dealing with a depressive episode, another thing that happens to me is that I don't want any sort of physical touch. I'm not exactly sure why this happens, but I don't want to cuddle, hold hands, or anything of the sort. Obviously this can be very difficult if I am in a relationship... and I am. I have tried to be better about it, because I realize that I am not the only person in my relationship that has wants and needs. Being in a partnership with no affection is basically just being glorified roommates.
There are times when Trevor gets incredibly frustrated, and understandably so, because I don't want to be next to him. This is nothing personal against him, which I would hope is obvious, because if it was, I wouldn't be with him. Duh. Sometimes that's hard to be mindful of when his feelings are hurt and he's feeling rejected. It's always hard to explain that this is all me. I am the problem and it's me who has the defect.
As I've said before, I don't feel that I am currently on the proper medication, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I'm thinking that it might be time to make a doctor's appointment and have her give me something else. I asked her to switch me a while back, but she didn't want to do that. I think it might be time to try again though. I'm not feeling particularly bad, but I don't feel great either.
These last few weeks, I've also had some moments where thoughts about my miscarriage have really hit me. Something will trigger it and I'll go limp in my seat and am just a mess. It tends to happen in a public place, so I have to wipe my eyes and try to hold it together. It still doesn't seem real. It almost feels as if it happened to a really close friend and I can feel their pain. I was still coming to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mommy, so nothing about this whole situation has set in. I would be 5 months along now. I know it does me no good to think about the timeline and where I would be, but I can't help it. My brain is giving me no choice but to think about these things. All I know is that I want to be a mom more than anything. I always knew I wanted kids, but this has made me want it now.
I have a lot of reading to do. I just recently ordered some new books and I'm pretty excited about them. I always want new books when I have so many that I still have to read. That's normal, right? I just got one in the mail today and this is it:
A friend of mine read this and posted about it, so I thought I would check it out. I'm interested to see how much of it applies to me. Hopefully there is a lot of helpful information in it that I can share with you.
My books look ridiculous after I've finished reading them. There are usually about a million sticky notes sticking out to mark things that I want to discuss. I still need to do a blog about The Sociopath Next Door because that book was fascinating. The person who I thought could fit into that category, I'm about 95-98% sure that they do now.
Anywho, here are some of the other books that are in line for me to read:
I have some other fun, non-mental illness books coming to me too, so I will probably place those in between these. Lots and lots of reading days ahead of me and I freaking love it. I just recently finished Shania Twain's autobiography and it was so cool.
I'm sorry that this entry was kind of rambly. I don't even think that's a real word, but we'll go with it. I just wanted to add in the things that I forgot about last night. If I wake up tomorrow and find that I still forgot a bunch of stuff, I'm gonna be pissed. Haha!
I hope that you guys are able to get something out of my writing and I would love to hear about you. Tell me about your struggles and how you deal with them. Or if you want to tap into the music side of this blog, tell me about some of your favorite music. Tell me what artists or songs get you through tough times and what makes you happy.
Soon, I will be doing an entry on my favorite music movies and another post about my favorite musicals. I've got a lot of things planned, so hopefully they will be things that you will enjoy.
(All of my entries about music, movies and book have been moved to a separate blog. If you'd like to read those, here is the link.)
Thank you to everyone that takes the time to read my blog. I appreciate it more than you know. <3
Thank you to Trevor for putting up with me. I love you!
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