Something that can make it even more difficult for others to understand is the fact that depression is different for each person. It does different things to different people, but yet there is a unified experience. Even that sounds confusing, but those that deal with it themselves will probably understand what I'm saying. While I can't speak for everyone, I can certainly speak for myself and do my best to explain what happens to me when I am dealing with depressive moods.
My depressive moods can hit me out of absolutely nowhere. I can be smiling and laughing one minute and sad or pissed off 2 seconds later. I will not have any idea why I feel that way, but I can't kick it. I have to just ride it out, and that could be hours, days, or even a couple weeks. People around me will ask me what's wrong and it's hard to answer because I have no idea what the hell is wrong. I just feel like crap.
Most of the time, when my mood is really low, it almost paralyzes me and I can't speak about anything that I'm feeling at all. It's as if my body just can't physically get words out. I may have a billion things running through my brain, but no way to get a sound out of my mouth. I'm not sure if this is a typical thing when it comes to depression, but it is something that has been really hard to deal with for me. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for those that are trying to get information out of me as well.
There are also times where I am just so physically and mentally tired, I can't muster up enough energy to try to explain what I'm feeling. I just want to sit there and not move or speak for a while. I just want to shut everything and everyone out for a bit. Sometimes this is when I attempt to sleep. (My sleep habits are a whole different deal that could take up it's own post.... and it might at some point.) When I am able, I usually just use sleep as an escape. I tend to have incredibly strange or sad dreams, so it's not always helpful.
Sometimes, I just need to have some time by myself. I just want to be alone. Most of the time, this is due to the exhaustion, but it's also partly because I don't want to end up saying something mean to someone else. I tend to get really mean and snippy when I'm feeling down.
Just as I am sometimes paralyzed and can't respond at times, sometimes I am also not able to stop myself from saying or doing something. Depression is like a stranger that takes over your body. I feel like an observer that is stuck inside my own body, but I have no control over anything that's happening. I could be screaming at myself inside my head, saying, "Don't say that! Don't do it!" but I can't physically stop it.
It's incredibly difficult to keep up with my moods, and I realize that. I don't expect anyone to completely get my situation. It always means a lot when someone really tries to understand me, and I can tell you that those experiences are very few. I'm an open book and I have no problem answering questions as best as I can. But as I said, everyone's experience isn't the same as mine, so what I have to say might not help you. All I can do is give you insight into what my days are like and how I cope. I am always willing to listen if someone needs me though. That's been one of my toughest issues. I always feel as if I am burdening everyone when I feel down, and no one would really understand me anyway. That's a terrible way to feel and if I can prevent someone else from feeling the same, then I've done my job.
It's really hard to put on a brave face when you are feeling so down. Sometimes it takes everything inside of me to fake a smile. I'm absolutely awful at hiding my feelings, good or bad, so it's usually pretty easy to tell if I'm not feeling well. Depending on the situation, I try to cover it up. For example, if I'm out with friends, I try to put on a smile and enjoy myself. Most of the time, I'm usually just too tired to try to fake it though.
It's hard for others to recognize your effort to work on yourself. If the amount of effort you are able to put forth doesn't look like what they expect, then they may accuse you of not trying at all. For me personally, there is only so much I can do some days. I also have days where I just don't have any energy to try at all and I just need some time to be a mess and fall apart.
If you are are the friend/family member/significant other of someone who has depression and you don't know how to get closer, this is for you:
I was also able to find an awesome description of depression. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it's great.
It's so hard to find people that are willing to try to understand. Please know that you are not alone and there are others out there that know what you are going through. As hard as it can be, reach out. You might be surprised at how kind and loving people can be.
If the person you reach out to ends up being horrible to you, just try to keep in mind that they might also be dealing with something themselves. It is never your fault if someone is awful to you because of what you're going through. I know it's hard not to take certain things personally. I have a lot of trouble when it comes to that. Don't let bad moments or comments keep you from trying though. You will find someone who understands or wants to understand.
Learning how to deal with and navigate depression takes time. I'm not sure if anyone can ever get a firm hold on what's happening, but it's better to try than to let yourself rot in darkness. All you can do is your best, and my hand is out if you need to grab it.
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