Mother's Day

This is the first Mother's Day that I am personally experiencing for myself. Today has been tough for me. I've spent most of the day in bed. I feel exhausted and I've had dreams about babies last night and today. It's a little comforting and a little torture at the same time. 

I feel empty today. I have been wearing the necklace that my friend Megan got me since yesterday. While I am not breaking down (not yet, anyway), I just feel very blah today. I almost feel as if I'm floating through or that it's not really me inside of my body today. I'm sure that probably doesn't make any sense, but it's the best way I can describe it.

It's a little strange to have people tell me Happy Mother's Day. I'm sure a big part of that is because it's my first, but also because I won't end up with my baby like I should. I should be preparing for his/her arrival, as I would be about 5 and a half months along now. It still feels as if it happened to someone else. My head still hasn't wrapped around what happened and honestly, I'm not sure it ever really will. This is such a hard situation to understand.

Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, this is a situation that I have a really hard time with that thinking. It's hard for me to imagine that there would ever be any sort of good reason for a mother to lose a child. I just have to try to look to the positive. At least I now know that I am able to get pregnant. For some reason, I always had this strange feeling that I wouldn't be able to have children. I know I'll have another baby someday, but it will always hurt that I won't get to know this baby. 

I was worried how I would feel when someone close to me told me they were pregnant. I got to find out recently. One of my best friends called to give me the news. In all honesty, I was so elated for her! I know that she truly wanted this and I couldn't have been more excited for her. I'm so thankful that those were my emotions, because I wouldn't have wanted to spoil the moment for her. She is going to be an amazing mother and I am blessed that I get to watch the whole process. Nicole, I love you and I couldn't be happier for you! <3

I know there are tons of women out there who can relate to what I'm going through. I hope that you are able to find some peace today, and please know that you are loved and thought of. 

To my peanut, I think about you all the time. I hope that somehow you know how much we love you. 

I apologize if this entry has been all over the place. That's pretty much how my brain is today. Not just today, who am I kidding? But especially today. To be honest, I don't even feel like reading back through it and fixing it. I'm going to go outside and hang out with my fur-babies. I don't think I could have gotten through this without them. I'm sure Trevor feels the same.

Mowgli <3

Piper <3