When it comes to relationships, I fucking suck at them. I'm usually good for about a year in a relationship, and then everything goes to shit. I'm assuming that this is because the person I'm with has glimpsed some of the horrible I have inside of me. Once that happens, it's almost as if something inside me breaks. I feel as if I've tainted the relationship and there's no way to get it back to good again. I've been a perfectionist my whole life, so I suppose that's where that stems from. I've managed to ruin almost every relationship I've been a part of. This includes some friendships as well. I'm not sure if this is a trait that a lot of depression sufferers share, or if it's just me.
My first serious relationship was when I was 20. We met through one of my best friends and it was instant attraction. I'd never felt like that with anyone before and things moved very quickly. Within a month, we were living together and everything truly seemed perfect. He cooked for me all the time and I was incredibly spoiled. We played card games together and watched movies. We just really enjoyed each other's company. At some point, my depression started getting worse and I didn't really know what to do about it. I couldn't communicate with him because I had no idea what was happening to me. It's tough to share information that you just don't have. I was mean and cold to him and I really didn't even know why I was acting the way I was. He hadn't done anything wrong, but I was treating him as if he had. I was just angry at everything. Instead of ever having a real fight with him, we just avoided each other. There were days where we would never be in the same room together for more than a couple minutes. Some days we wouldn't even speak. When it got close to our 2 year anniversary, that's when things were just at their worst. He couldn't take it anymore and honestly, neither could I. We decided to break up and I was pretty numb to it for a while.
I ended up dating someone else for about 5 months right after we broke up. He was completely different and completely wrong for me. I guess that was a lesson that I needed to learn. Everything that went wrong in that relationship made me appreciate what I had had with my ex. I reached out to him and we started talking again. We missed each other and talked through some things, although I still didn't quite understand what I was going through. So unfortunately, that wasn't really part of the discussion. We decided to try living together again, but never officially got back together. Not with a title anyway. It was a very strange situation and most people didn't understand it, but we were doing what we thought was right for us. Things were great for a while, but eventually, things kind of fell back to the way they were before. Some of this is obviously due to my lack of knowledge. Some due to just plain stupidity. I really don't know why I do the things I do or say the things I say. I ended up living with him for almost 2 more years, but we just had to end it. Neither of us was happy and we just didn't know what to do to fix it. We didn't communicate at all and didn't know how to start. That falls on both of us.
When I was 25, I got into contact with an old friend that I had known since 4th grade. It had been quite a while since we had talked or seen each other, so we decided to get together. I had had a crush on him since we were kids, so I figured it might be an interesting situation. It was. He made me laugh and we talked about everything. We were complete opposites in some aspects, and so much alike in others. While this can be an awesome thing, it can also be a difficult one. Again, things seemed perfect for a while and I was the happiest I'd ever been. But things started to go bad for me again. This time, I bought books and did all kinds of research to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I wanted to know what my body was doing to me because I didn't want it to cause me to lose someone else. No matter how much knowledge I gain about what I'm going through, it's never going to be crystal clear to someone who isn't going through it themselves. Depression is so difficult to explain and no matter how hard you try, it doesn't always come through the way you hope.
We ended up splitting up for a while because my feelings were all messed up. I didn't know what I wanted and I wasn't quite sure how I felt. Not until it was almost too late. Then I figured it out. I couldn't imagine my life without him and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was and is my best friend. We ended up getting back together and things were still a little rough. Then we ended up getting pregnant, then losing the baby, being really good right after that, and then falling apart again. So, now, I've lost him again and I'm pretty sure he's never coming back.
I'm terrible at opening up to people completely and I have a hard time sharing what I'm really feeling. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for me, but it always has been. I let these stupid little things ruin me and ruin the people I love. I feel like I'm just never going to find someone who can deal with me. I feel like I'll never get married and that I'll never have children, which I have always wanted. My miscarriage made me realize that I want it more than ever. I just never feel like I'm worthy of love and a good relationship after that person has seen how ugly I can be. I just want to be good enough for someone and I want to do things right. I'm truly sorry that I couldn't be better. It's something I'll never be able to get over.
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