Empty Handed

Thoughts of babies have consumed my mind lately. A lot of friends of mine have recently had babies and it's such a joy to see. At the same time, it is heartbreaking because I should also be taking part in the journey of motherhood. My due date is 4 days away and it is all I have been able to think about. I could possibly already have a baby to keep me up at night, to feed and bathe, to stare at lovingly, to make my heart melt. But I don't. 

Since becoming pregnant, the way I think and plan has completely changed. Even though my baby is no longer here, my thinking is forever changed and I like it that way. Going through this has made me realize just how badly I want to be a mother and how much love I will have for my future children. Trevor and I talk of things we'll do with our kids, values we'll teach them, and things we'll show them. 

While we've experienced a great loss, we are blessed enough to know that it is possible for us to have children in the future and we are so excited for that day to come. We both have our moments where our thoughts get the better of us and I think that will probably happen forever. I am thankful that we have each other to pull through this and to spend our lives together.

I could have never imagined anything like this happening to me. I still can't. It still doesn't feel real, but at the same time it feels raw. It feels like forever ago and it also feels like yesterday. I think I've been able to get through this situation the way that I have because I have allowed myself to grieve and break down when needed and I also have a partner that has allowed me to do those things. I have also had a tremendous amount of support from everyone and it really does make all the difference. I can't tell you how much you all have helped me to feel that Trevor and I are not alone in this. Thank you for all of your love and support, because it means the world to us. 

This is going to be a really tough weekend for us. We should be welcoming a beautiful baby girl or boy into this world, but instead, we will be empty handed. We will have each other though and we will spend time with our fur-babies. On my due date, we will be spending the evening with one of my best friends and enjoying listening to her band play music. If anything is helpful and healing to me, it's music. I will try to allow myself as much peace as possible this weekend and be thankful for all that I do have.

UPDATE: September 3, 2014

Well, my weekend didn't end up going as planned. Very few things in my life ever do. 

Friday afternoon, I walked into the kitchen to see that I had received a bouquet of flowers. Naturally, I had assumed they were from Trevor since I had recently been bitching about the fact that he rarely gets me flowers. But when I opened the box and found the little note card, this is what it said:

I immediately started crying because she took the time to think of what I was going through. This girl's heart amazes me over and over and I'm so blessed to call her my friend. Here are the beautiful flowers she sent me:

Friday night, I went out with my parents to see Lauren's band and I had a really good time. I had a few drinks and got up to sing my usual song with the band. We were able to get some good pics from that night.

Why didn't anyone tell me my hair was a mess?

Saturday was pretty uneventful. I honestly can't even remember what we did. I think Trevor watched football, and I watched Xena. 

Sunday was a complete mess. I was excited to go out to hear Lauren again, but Trevor wasn't feeling well. We assumed he was dealing with another kidney stone. It ended up getting pretty bad, so we went to the hospital. I had been a little grouchy all day, but nothing too dramatic had happened. Once we were sitting in that hospital room, I'm not sure what happened, but something hit me and I just started crying. I should have been there having a baby that day and instead Trevor felt like HE was having a baby. He hobbled off the bed and came to hug me and comfort me. I was a little embarrassed because all of the doctors and nurses probably thought I was freaking out about Trevor's kidney stones. Haha. Kind of a cruel thing to end up in a hospital room on that particular day. But we got through it and that's the important thing. 

Thank you to those who checked on me and gave me words of kindness and support. I truly needed it this past weekend and it's appreciated more than you know. We've gotten past the dreaded day that we knew would arrive. We knew it would be tough, but now we are looking forward to good and happy things. 

Simply Human

I've had the idea for this particular post in my head for quite some time now. I've been slowly gathering information for it but could never seem to find the right time to start writing. As with most of my posts, I never feel fully prepared or organized and so I end up waiting. Stupid, I know. This time, there has been an event that has pushed me to finally get started, and that is the untimely passing of Robin Williams. I hope that this wonderful, talented and beautiful man will somehow help guide me to write something worth saying.

No amount of money, fame, love or people surrounding you can take away the pain or difficulty of mental illness. Many of us look up to celebrities and say, "that's what I want" or "I want to be like them." What we need to realize is that we are only seeing the bits and pieces of them that they allow us to. There is so much below the surface that they are keeping to themselves, and it's not all pretty. 

Sometimes, whatever sort of illness that particular person is dealing with can be a catalyst that drives them to succeed. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone. Depression can paralyze some, while it can also drive others to look for something better or something outside of that sad, dark place. Sometimes they are able to find some little piece of happiness and sometimes it just reinforces the realization that it's an internal issue and nothing on the outside will fix it. It truly is a unique experience for each person, which makes it all that much harder to find help or to offer help. The real tragedy is when that overwhelming sadness forces these people to fight alone and not speak a word.

My goal with this particular post is to share with you some of the issues that celebrities that we look up to deal with. They are only human, after all. When I hear comments about how much money they have or how famous they are, it infuriates me. Why do people think that those things are cures to any ailment? All those things mean is that that talented individual was able to work towards a goal in spite of other issues they were dealing with. We all need to look deeper and think a little harder before we make comments like these.

I have a list of other celebrities and what they supposedly deal with. (I only say supposedly, because there's no way of me ever really knowing unless they have come out in the media themselves.) I had planned on including that in this post, but I think I will leave it out for now. I guess the main point I am trying to make is that no one really knows what is going on in someone's life. If they don't want you to know, they will go to all extremes to make sure they don't show it to you. There are some really special people who are able to see beyond all the bullshitting, but those people don't always know how to approach the situation. In the world of mental illness, nothing is pretty and everything is messy. Please be gentler with people and keep in mind that they may be dealing with something that you could never fathom. Just be good to one another. 

To you, Robin Williams:

While you were open with your past struggles and never shied away from sharing those parts of yourself,  there was obviously so much more that you were holding in. I hope you know how much joy and happiness you brought to others and I'm so, so sorry that you didn't feel as if you could stay with us any longer. I truly hope that your soul has found peace and that you are no longer in pain. You were a wonderfully talented man and I'm thankful that your work will continue on and will bring joy to others and myself as the years pass on. You will be forever missed.

1951 - 2014

"Genie, you're free."