14 Weeks

We are officially in the second trimester!!

We are so excited, even though I'm still a bit paranoid. I think I will be for this entire pregnancy. And then I'll be paranoid for new reasons once the baby is here. 

I'm still waiting for this belly to pop. I can't wait for that. I'm also ready for that second trimester energy boost. With how busy the band is this summer, I'm going to need it! I've already had to switch up my footwear when I play. I used to be able to wear cute boots, but the last time I tried that, I could barely walk at the end of the night. Looks like it's flip flops from here on out.

This is also no joke. That last couple of weeks, I've been sleeping SO MUCH. I feel like I barely leave my bed. If I need the rest though, I will take it. Anything to keep this baby comfortable and growing.

Speaking of baby...

This was from a couple week ago. We were doing some testing and the baby was jumping and moving around all over the place. It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. Trevor and I were so surprised at how much the baby was moving and we couldn't stop staring at the screen. We both may have cried a bit as well. It was just confirmation that everything is going well so far and the baby is ok. Best feeling ever.

I don't have another appointment until the 30th and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still nervous. I just want to see the baby again and know everything is still ok. 

The baby has already gotten some gifts from some of our friends. 

This giraffe and onesie are from Aunt Erin and Aunt Sara. The saying on the onesie couldn't be more true. Angela and Katie have also gotten us some gifts. We are so thankful for everything that our friends are doing. You guys are such a huge support and we honestly feel like we just have this big, extended family that is just as excited about this baby as we are. We love you guys so much.

I've had a couple dreams about the baby lately as well. The first one was a short dream. Just me holding the baby and kissing him. The second one was a little weird. We were in the doctor's office and the doctor took the baby out of me to look him over. He examined him, told us the gender and then put the baby back. So. Weird. As you can tell by the words I used, I've been feeling as if this baby is a boy. I could be completely wrong, of course, but that's just what I've been feeling. 

Now, a slightly crappier part of what I need to say. I am fully aware that something bad could still happen. That could happen at any time, even after the baby is born. I do not want to focus on that though. This is the farthest we've ever made it and I just want to be happy about the things that are going right. While I understand where people are coming from when they tell me to still be cautious, or that I need to think about what could happen, it's actually not helpful at all. I've lost 3. I know what can happen. I am going to enjoy the time I have with this little one and if it ends up working out, I will be the happiest I've ever been. If something does happen, I will deal with it then. But for now, I am going to enjoy every second of having this baby with me. 

7.2 Weeks

This last week or so has been absolutely awful. I've never been more nauseous in my life. I ended up getting sick a couple times on Monday. Thankfully, after that, I have felt much better. Still a little nauseous, but nothing like I was. This kid is already a dick.

My sleep has improved a bit, thank god!! I'll share some of my sleep maps with you guys. I'll show some of the really awful ones at the beginning and some more recent ones that aren't as bad.

I am at least getting in longer stretches of sleep occasionally. At first, I could only get a couple hours if I was lucky. I still have those short naps sometimes, but it doesn't happen every single time I try to sleep. I'm still super exhausted, but I know that's normal. 

I'm so happy the band took this month off. I don't think I could perform like this. I just don't have the energy. We had band practice this past Sunday and after an hour, I was just done. I didn't even have the energy to stand anymore and I wanted to go back to bed. I'm definitely ready to have some energy and motivation back.

We had our first ultrasound yesterday. As I've said, I've been trying to not get too excited because I wasn't sure what to expect. I assumed that since I've been feeling so sick that everything was ok, but you never know. 

Everything looked good and the heartbeat was 125. I'm still cautious because it's still very early. Something could still go wrong. Seeing that hearbeat on the screen was pretty amazing though. The last 2 didn't make it that far. Trevor and I just hugged. We're so used to nothing but negative news on every visit, so this was a great change. Hopefully everything continues to go well. Maybe the progesterone is really helping.

So far, I haven't had any specific cravings. I did want fish sticks pretty badly the other day, but once I had them, I was fine. I just have lots of different snacks, so if I'm wanting something salty or sweet, I've got some options. Trevor has gone to the store for me a couple times this past weekend to stock up for me. I really appreciate. I know it's a pain, especially when I'm not sure what I'll want to eat. I wonder if I'll get any cravings at all this time. I have been enjoying milk a lot. I normally don't drink it very much since I'm lactose intolerant. It hasn't been bothering me as much as it usually does though, so the baby must really like it. 

For all my mommy friends out there:

Was there a particular pillow that you would recommend?

Were there any tricks that helped you get some better sleep? Or am I out of luck?

What were some of the foods you craved? What foods did you develop an aversion to?

Did any of you also use progesterone? What were your experiences with it?

I'd love to hear what your pregnancies were like. Everyone is so different, so it's neat to hear different stories.

Who Needs Sleep?

I touched on my sleep issues a bit in my last blog post, but I am especially frustrated right now. I've been tired most of yesterday (Friday) and had to sing last night. My voice was tired and wouldn't really do what I wanted it to. I was a little frustrated but it made sense. I assumed that maybe once I got home and had read a book for a while, I might be able to get some sleep.

I feel like this is some kind of sick joke. I've always struggled with sleep issues, but lately it has been magnified. Granted, my sleep schedule has never been real routine.

I'm sure that's not helping my situation any, but this is insane. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind at some point. Is this even normal? To be missing this much sleep? Then even when I do finally fall asleep, I flip flop so much and it's not restful sleep. Obviously, I can't take anything to help me, other than Unisom, and that hasn't done anything at all.

I have to sing again tonight, so I'm freaking out a little bit. I know that also won't help my situation, but ya know. What can I do? So, to my band mates, I'm just going to apologize now. I might be a monster.

I'm hoping that I can sneak a nap in at some point. I should start sharing my sleep maps from my FitBit with you guys. It's truly ridiculous. I'm definitely going to have to bring this up to my doctor when I get a chance. Did any of you deal with this problem? If so, what were some things that helped you or were recommended to you? I'm desperate here. HELP ME!

Side note: Just so this blog isn't only me whining and crying, I'll give a tiny health update. 

I had blood taken on Wednesday and the doctors said that my hcg levels looked great. I have to get more blood taken on Monday morning to make sure that those keep rising.

I've only been on the progesterone since Tuesday, but I can feel something from it. By doing it vaginally, I'm supposed to get less of the side effects, but of course, I could still get some anyway. I've been feeling some cramping a little after I've taken the pill. That's listed as a normal side effect, so I'm not too worried. And it's not horrible cramping, so I'm ok. Thankfully, that has been the only thing I've noticed so far.

Tonight when I got home from my gig, my legs were more sore than usual and cramping a bit. I'm assuming it has to do with being off for 3 weeks and also changes in my body. I guess I need to stock up on bananas. 

This Could Be A Bumpy Ride

This past Sunday was just like most Sundays for Trevor and I. We both slept in and cuddled with the doggies. Only thing is that Trevor didn't know I snuck out at one point. I've been ridiculously tired and have been sleeping even worse than usual. It all suddenly made sense.

That's right. It's time for try #4. I am very, very early. Only just over 4 weeks. We didn't want to make an announcement, for obvious reasons, but I wanted to blog through my experiences with this pregnancy.

We made a plan with our doctor to try something different this time. I am taking progesterone for the first trimester. Hopefully it will help me maintain this pregnancy. I'm not super excited about having to try this method, but when you want a baby, you'll do anything.

I will say that this is the earliest I've ever experienced symptoms. Like I said, my sleep has been absolute shit. I've always been a terrible sleeper, but it's just gotten so much worse. 

I'm happy to know that this is somewhat normal. I was starting to lose my fucking mind. I still might, but at least I know the reason now. I have been taking naps and getting sleep whenever my body will allow me. Tracking my sleep with my FitBit is slightly hilarious and also depressing. I suppose this will be my practice for when a baby is actually here.

Speaking of, I am personally not getting too excited yet. It's way too early and with what we have been through, I just can't. Trevor is excited but cautious. It's awful not being able to allow myself to feel the way I should feel, but I would honestly rather be prepared for the worst. Well, as prepared as I can be. I have hope that it will happen. I just can't be sure it's this time. Not just yet.

Aside from the super shitty sleep, I've also been incredibly nauseous and hungry. I haven't actually gotten sick yet, but every now and then, the nausea hits. I have crackers on my bedstand. I've also been wanting things like soup and salads. Stuff that's fairly easy to eat. I'm just constantly hungry right now. I wake up because I need food. So, if this pregnancy continues to progress and I keep eating this way, I will be a giant cow. Although, if it's still soups and salads, it shouldn't be too bad.

They say that the crappier you feel, the healthier the baby is. If that is true, then I will take all of this as a good sign.

So far, I've been on the progesterone for 2 days. I can say I don't enjoy the process, because I have to take it vaginally, but like I said, you do whatever it takes. We're really hoping this is it. The 4th time has to be the charm, right? RIGHT! Please, wish us luck and keep us in your thoughts. I'll keep you updated on how everything is going. *Deep breath* Here we go...

2016 Update

It's been so long since I've done a true update. I apologize for that. I've actually been fairly busy and when things are going well, I don't usually have too much to say/vent about. Hopefully I can break this up into sections so that it's a little easier to follow. I may have forgotten how to do this entirely. *Sigh* I will be including a band update and my medical updates, so this could be a lengthy one. Especially since I'm a slacker and now have to recap the entire year. Go me!

Band first!

Everything with the band is going so much better than I could have imagined. I'm having so much fun and really enjoy the music I'm singing. Most of it anyway. I also really love the people I play with. I couldn't ask for a better or more talented group of people to play with. The people that I have had the chance to meet have made all the difference as well. I've made some amazing friends and have met some very sweet, supportive people. My stage fright is not even close to being what it used to be. I do still have moments where I get nervous, but I know that as soon as I'm on stage and a few songs in, I'll feel better. This is definitely what I was meant to do and I can't believe it took me so damn long to do it! Having my dad playing in the band with me is pretty fucking amazing, too. That's something I will always cherish and I really hope I'm making my family proud.

Health

A few different things have happened this year health wise. I probably won't even remember everything, to be honest. I should have taken notes to follow for this post. Oh well. Too late. 

One thing that happened was I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. I'm still not super clear on what this is myself, but I will try to explain it as best as I can. 

HASHIMOTO’S DISEASE

This condition is an autoimmune disease that causes the thyroid to become inflamed, which affects the thyroid’s ability to produce hormones and often results in hypothyroidism.

Overview

Hashimoto's disease is a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck below your Adam's apple. The thyroid gland is part of your endocrine system, which produces hormones that coordinate many of your body's functions.

Inflammation from Hashimoto's disease, also known as chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis, often leads to an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). Hashimoto's disease is the most common cause of hypothyroidism in the United States. It primarily affects middle-aged women but also can occur in men and women of any age and in children.

Doctors test your thyroid function to help detect Hashimoto's disease. Treatment of Hashimoto's disease with thyroid hormone replacement usually is simple and effective.

Symptoms

You might not notice signs or symptoms of Hashimoto's disease at first, or you may notice a swelling at the front of your throat (goiter). Hashimoto's disease typically progresses slowly over years and causes chronic thyroid damage, leading to a drop in thyroid hormone levels in your blood. The signs and symptoms are mainly those of an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).

Signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism include:

• Fatigue and sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Brittle nails
• Hair loss
• Enlargement of the tongue
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Joint pain and stiffness
• Muscle weakness
• Excessive or prolonged menstrual bleeding (menorrhagia)
• Depression
• Memory lapses

When to see a doctor

See your doctor if you develop these signs and symptoms:

• Tiredness for no apparent reason
• Dry skin
• Pale, puffy face
• Constipation

You'll also need to see your doctor for periodic testing of your thyroid function if:

• You've had thyroid surgery
• You've had treatment with radioactive iodine or anti-thyroid medications
• You've had radiation therapy to your head, neck or upper chest

If you have high blood cholesterol, talk to your doctor about whether hypothyroidism may be a cause.

And if you're receiving hormone therapy for hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's disease, schedule follow-up visits as often as your doctor recommends. It's important to make sure you're receiving the correct dose of medicine. Over time, the dose you need to adequately replace your thyroid function may change.

Causes

• 

  Thyroid gland

Hashimoto's disease is an autoimmune disorder in which your immune system creates antibodies that damage your thyroid gland. Doctors don't know what causes your immune system to attack your thyroid gland. Some scientists think a virus or bacterium might trigger the response, while others believe a genetic flaw may be involved.

A combination of factors — including heredity, sex and age — may determine your likelihood of developing the disorder.

Risk factors

These factors may contribute to your risk of developing Hashimoto's disease:

• Sex. Women are much more likely to get Hashimoto's disease.
• Age. Hashimoto's disease can occur at any age but more commonly occurs during middle age.
• Heredity. You're at higher risk for Hashimoto's disease if others in your family have thyroid or other autoimmune diseases.
• Other autoimmune disease. Having another autoimmune disease — such as rheumatoid arthritis, type 1 diabetes or lupus — increases your risk of developing Hashimoto's disease.

Radiation exposure. People exposed to excessive levels of environmental radiation are more prone to Hashimoto's disease.

Complications

Left untreated, an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) caused by Hashimoto's disease can lead to a number of health problems:

• Goiter. Constant stimulation of your thyroid to release more hormones may cause the gland to become enlarged, a condition known as goiter. Hypothyroidism is one of the most common causes of goiters. Although generally not uncomfortable, a large goiter can affect your appearance and may interfere with swallowing or breathing.
• Heart problems. Hashimoto's disease also may be associated with an increased risk of heart disease, primarily because high levels of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol — the "bad" cholesterol — can occur in people with an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). If left untreated, hypothyroidism can lead to an enlarged heart and, possibly, heart failure.
• Mental health issues. Depression may occur early in Hashimoto's disease and may become more severe over time. Hashimoto's disease can also cause sexual desire (libido) to decrease in both men and women and can lead to slowed mental functioning.
• Myxedema (miks-uh-DEE-muh). This rare, life-threatening condition can develop due to long-term hypothyroidism as a result of untreated Hashimoto's disease. Its signs and symptoms include drowsiness followed by profound lethargy and unconsciousness.
• A myxedema coma may be triggered by exposure to cold, sedatives, infection or other stress on your body. Myxedema requires immediate emergency medical treatment.
• Birth defects. Babies born to women with untreated hypothyroidism due to Hashimoto's disease may have a higher risk of birth defects than do babies born to healthy mothers. Doctors have long known that these children are more prone to intellectual and developmental problems. There may be a link between hypothyroid pregnancies and birth defects, such as a cleft palate.
• A connection also exists between hypothyroid pregnancies and heart, brain and kidney problems in infants. If you're planning to get pregnant or if you're in early pregnancy, be sure to have your thyroid level checked

Treatment

Treatment for Hashimoto's disease may include observation and use of medications. If there's no evidence of hormone deficiency, and your thyroid is functioning normally, your doctor may suggest a wait-and-see approach. If you need medication, chances are you'll need it for the rest of your life.

Synthetic hormones

If Hashimoto's disease causes thyroid hormone deficiency, you may need replacement therapy with thyroid hormone. This usually involves daily use of the synthetic thyroid hormone levothyroxine (Levoxyl, Synthroid, others).

Synthetic levothyroxine is identical to thyroxine, the natural version of this hormone made by your thyroid gland. The oral medication restores adequate hormone levels and reverses all the symptoms of hypothyroidism.

Treatment with levothyroxine is usually lifelong, but because the dosage you need may change, your doctor is likely to check your TSH level about every 12 months.

Monitoring the dosage

To determine the right dosage of levothyroxine initially, your doctor generally checks your level of TSH after a few weeks of treatment. Excessive amounts of thyroid hormone can accelerate bone loss, which may make osteoporosis worse or add to your risk of this disease. Overtreatment with levothyroxine can also cause heart rhythm disorders (arrhythmias).

If you have coronary artery disease or severe hypothyroidism, your doctor may start treatment with a smaller amount of medication and gradually increase the dosage. Progressive hormone replacement allows your heart to adjust to the increase in metabolism.

Levothyroxine causes virtually no side effects when used in the appropriate dose and is relatively inexpensive. If you change brands, let your doctor know to ensure you're still receiving the right dosage.

Also, don't skip doses or stop taking the drug. If you do, signs and symptoms will gradually return.


When I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was told that my blood levels would have to be checked about every 6 months or so. Since being diagnosed with Hashimoto's, my doctors need to keep a closer look at my levels, So now I am supposed to get blood drawn every 2 months or so. I was also told that I have a very prominent thyroid. Doctors can easily see it just by looking at me and can tell it's larger than normal. So weird to me. It's amazing how many things this little gland can affect. I might have to do some more research. I know there are certain foods that I am supposed to avoid. Time to read up.
As far as the depression issue, I have recently had to go up in dosage on my medication. I am now at the highest dosage which is pretty terrifying for me. This has been the only medication that has fully worked for me. Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of this good run. I know I shouldn't think about that or stress about it, but at the same time, I can't help it. Hopefully this dosage will last for a decent amount of time, because I'm really not ready to go through all of the trials of every other medicine. And I already know they won't work because I've been on everything. Sigh. So.... trying to look on the bright side, but still scared.
Now for a harder topic. I experienced my third miscarriage in November. I was so happy to finally be pregnant again. We had waited 2 years for this to happen. There was a break in there because I needed to take some time for my emotional and mental state. I finally felt I was ready and it happened. The doctors got us in for an ultrasound fairly quick, but already something didn't seem right. Honestly, I didn't have a good feeling, but they wanted to give me another week to make some progress before they would do another ultrasound to be sure. Sure enough, as soon as the picture showed up on the screen, it looked no different than it had the previous time. I knew immediately. But I had an entire week to prepare myself emotionally. Well, as much as I could. I already felt differences in my body and I just knew. Trevor didn't have that. He was not prepared at all. I opted for the surgery again and decided to have the tissue sent off to be tested. Hoping that maybe they could figure out why this keeps happening. When the results came back in, we were all a little shocked. A normal baby has 46 chromosomes. 23 from each parent. Our baby had 92. This is what is called a tetraploid pregnancy and is apparently very rare. I wasn't really sure what to think, but my doctor seems to think that this should not have anything to do with having a healthy, normal pregnancy next time. Honestly, I feel pretty burnt out though. I'm just a little emotionally exhausted. I know I've always said that I'd have the babies I'm meant to have, but what if that means I'm not supposed to have any at all?  I thought I had been dealing with this fairly well. Every now and then it hits me though. Three precious babies gone. I can't give up hope though. I want babies that I can teach music too and sing to them at night. I want to read them all kinds of books and help them learn everything they can. I've always dreamt of being a mother. If there is a higher power of some sort, I hope that they find me worthy of being a mother someday soon. I'm not sure how many more times I can go through these losses.

Well now that we've ended that on a depressing, ranting note.... I just wanted to catch you guys up on what's been happening. I'm sure I missed something. That's just what happens when I don't map out my thoughts. Lists are my friends and I didn't make any. Sigh. Thank you to everyone who has been a huge support for me this past year. I've made some amazing friends and have been incredibly lucky in that area of my life. I hope you know who you are and I love you all dearly. Here's to things looking up, getting better, and becoming more awesome and kick ass! I'm trying to look at things in a positive light. I may not always be able to do so, but I'm trying.